Friday, April 18, 2014

today.




When I was sixteen, I sat with my arms wrapped around my knees in a field in upstate New York. I sat beneath the stars and the night sky and beside my little sister, and I felt something shift inside of me. I felt this pull, this question, this curious moment of, “This. This is what I’ve been looking for, forever.”
I heard about a God that created the universe and it stole my breath away. I cried, I told Jesus I believed in Him, and I became “saved.”
Saved. A word that now makes me cringe, that makes me quirk an eyebrow and think, what?
My journey as a Christian has been a bumpy, confused, scary, amazing one. I, along with many others, am wary of the term “Christian.” It’s a word I keep at a distance, balancing on my hand far away, one that I peek at through the slits of my fingers, clenched fists and shame. 
I am a believer in Christ, but the term Christian scares me. Which is why I know to let that go, and to focus my eyes on Jesus Christ and what that means to me. 
And on this Good Friday, I reflect on the miracle that is Jesus, and how He has changed my life.
I will stand for Jesus all the days of my life - I will wake up every day and try to love people the way He loved. I will question and learn and pursue a life with the Lord.
Living in Los Angeles has been the most amazing thing for my relationship with God, because it has taught me that things aren’t black and white. That this Christian culture that I was first introduced to IS NOT the foundation of my life - rather God’s love is.
Jesus Christ died because of love. That is the most beautiful thing I can ever imagine. Even writing this it makes my heart clench and draws me to my knees. He hung on a cross because of the fact that he desperately loved. I can’t even fathom that.
Jesus loves me when I curse, when I get angry, when I am impatient. He loves me when I’m not good at loving Him, when I’m not good at loving my friends and family, He loves and loves and loves.
Somewhere along the line, Christianity got jumbled up with judgement and rules and hate and this love seeped into the cracks and was just a side note. I’m not a theologian, but I know that Jesus was radical and wild and amazing. And that’s how I want to live my life. That’s really all I can do, is everyday try and be a little closer to him.
When it’s hard to pray, when it’s hard to open up a bible, when it’s hard to go to church, I remember the foundation of it all. That love. That’s all I want to remember and that’s what is so important. I want to remember that not just on Good Friday, but on a random Monday, on a Thursday, on a late night and early morning, every day of my life.
I am thankful.

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