Wednesday, December 18, 2013

the science of self-esteem

I mean, we've all been there.

We spend an hour getting ready. Three days not eating after 8pm. We stand in front of the Evil Mirror and try to squash every little imperfection we see so when we finally make it to that party or that event or that show, we can feel "good" whatever the hell that means. 

We put layers on our face so we can hide the way we hate our skin. We straighten and flatten and gloss everything over so we can feel HOT.

but like am iiiii??????

 Then we roll up to the party or whatever like we are FIERCE.

We have an expectation vs. reality moment.

We know that that person we've been hoping to run into will be there. So we have it planned out - we're going to go for a drink at the same time. We'll say something witty - ("I'll have a rum and coke......a COLA, my GAWD, I'm not a monster!!!")
The person will laugh and notice us....finally.

  Yes, it's me. That girl you've been noticing here and there all month. And yes we're finally in the same room. And yes, I'm funny and cute and charming. And yes, I would love to get coffee sometime and talk about our favorite books and why we wish literary characters could be real people.


  We get so nervous. We check ourselves in Evil Mirror ten times to make sure we still look the way we think we're supposed to. We don't eat anything and we talk to our friends but our eyes keep moving around the room. 

And then that person walks in with their friends and they look on point.

Hi I'm Nathan Fillion and I'm so handsome it's StUpId~*~~* 

And then this is it! This is the moment! You're going to woo them with your brain and this new dress you slipped on and you imagine Hall & Oates starts playing and I don't know maybe there's wind or some shit but ugh that would definitely be a cliche --

And then, and then!

The person passes you. The music is loud, the person offers you a little grin and they talk to someone else the whole night. Maybe your friend circles never intersect, maybe they hit it off with a girl who's way skinnier than you or not it doesn't matter but you notice everything, maybe you never get the courage, maybe everything just absolutely sucks.

You mentally check out for the rest of the party, you drive home blaring Awolnation and you think, "At least I have Netflix. At least I have The Office on queue and everything will be okay because I'm just season 3 Pam Beasley, right? RIGHT?" 

 Then the dark thoughts start to come in. 

"WHY am I such an idiot?"

"Why am I ugly?"

"Why am I not COOOOOL?!?!?"

And then we realize we are freaks and go home and go to sleep and text our friends and they tell us to listen to Beyonce and we'll feel better and then we move on.

I feel like this is a pretty normal scenario but also it's like, definitely not okay. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, but I mean it definitely happens to me. And I don't want to have my self-esteem all over the place based off of other people. 

This is a thing I'm learning. This is a hard thing I'm learning that is REALLY REALLY HARD TO UNDERSTAND. 

My self-worth is not based on other people.

But it's true.

Our self-worth is not based on other people.

I think eventually I just have to let it go. I have to let it go how I want other people to perceive me and I have to know what is true inside of me. I have to know there are good things about me and there are bad things about me and that's the same for everyone. 

Sometimes living in Los Angeles is a little hard (A LOT HARD) because everything is based off of status and how you look and who you're friends with and labels and all that basic shit. But at the end of the day you have to take a step back and know that your self-worth isn't gauged by any of that.   

I want my self-worth to be gauged by something bigger than material and shallow things and I realize this will be a life-long struggle but the point is to try. To know the core of who I am isn't based off of how I look or if I have a lot of money.

I mean these are really elementary ideas that I am not responsible for thinking of but they're things I seriously have to remind myself. 

Self-esteem is this weird thing we're taught when we're little. We're taught to have good self-esteem and it's such a weird concept. We're told when we're little that we're beautiful and perfect and great at everything but I mean, seriously, those are bold-faced lies. And then we grow up and normal life happens and somewhere along the line we're like DAMN. This is hard and I don't feel good about myself, like, hardly ever.

I'm not writing a post about trying to make ourselves feel better, I am just writing about what it's like to sometimes hate the person you are and sometimes love the person you are. And I think it's all just a part of being HUMAN.

Which is cool. Being human is cool, right? Obviously it'd be cooler to be half-human half-someone with super powers, but I mean I'll take being human. And I guess I'll talk all the stuff that comes with it.

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