Friday, November 15, 2013

the hunger

Have you guys seen that one episode of It's Always Sunny where Sweet Dee & Charlie think they eat human meat because Frank tells them they did?

 They go pretty much batshit crazy. They think they're cannibals & decide they have "The Hunger." It's funny because it's super disturbing and anything with Charlie Day in it is perfect and duh, I'm from Philadelphia so of course I'll watch a show that makes Philadelphians look like loveable sick crazy stupid idiots. 

They become obsessed. And then they find out it wasn't even human meat but like, raccoon meat or something and all of their crazed "hunger" was just in their head. 

I feel a lot like Dee and Charlie, which I don't know if I should say out loud because then maybe I need to question like, things in my life. But it's true. I have this hunger in me all the time. This hunger for more more more.

Nothing is ever enough. When I first moved here I had nothing, so all I wanted was somewhere to live and any kind of job. Little tiny victories like getting an interview at a restaurant or a nice stranger were glorious moments in my day. It was really, really hard.

Then I got an apartment but it wasn't nice enough. Then I got a car and it was a terrible hunk of shit. And I wanted and wanted more. Then I got a real job but it wasn't enough, nothing was enough.

Now I have a brand new car by the grace of God and a beautiful apartment (again by the grace of God) and a job that treats me so well (by the grace of God) and there's still..this...nagging. This little emptiness inside that says "more more more."

Nothing ever seems good enough. I'm never thin enough, I'm never pretty enough, I'm never talented enough, I'm never content. 

Sure I think the culture of Los Angeles fuels this need and want for better and bigger and more, but it's also for sure a human condition. It's a little something inside of me that says "There's always something better."

And there is. I'm not supposed to be content with everything here. But instead of reaching toward a better career, a better car, a better life/status, I should be reaching toward a better relationship with God.

Which like, is totally obvious but something I can't seem to grasp. 

I think a lot of times people expect because I identify as Christian that means I'm legalistic, I'm a bigot, I'm boring, I'm conservative, and I'm wrong. But I think what it means to me, to love Jesus Christ, it means to try and model my life the way Jesus lived His. 

He loved.

The hunger I have in me should be to love others selflessly, to serve others selflessly. That's really all I have to give anyway. 

I will never be satisfied while I'm alive. But that's different than not being thankful. Because oh man, I am thankful. I am so, so thankful even though I don't always act like it. And hey, I'm sorry universe and friends and world because sometimes I act like a brat and I complain and I'm annoyed and I'm super bitchy. 

But for every moment I mess up, every moment I crave something fleeting like money or fame or popularity or sex appeal - every minute I crave something like that, there is another minute that God is working in me. Shaping me and helping me and guiding me and I am so thankful because I hope I never stop changing and growing and becoming the person I was created to be. 

 I don't know these are just some thoughts I had this morning, also MIIIIGHT have to do with all the coffee I just drank but who's to say, really!

 * * * 

1 comment:

  1. This is a great post. I can relate to you about wanting more and it still not enough. I have been taught, get a better car, a better job, better apartment. I feel so much pressure since moving to Philly for grad school. I just need to seat down and get on my knees pray, thank God for everything I have now and learn from Him.