It's no secret that I like to have crushes on people...but the problem here is that my crushes tend to be on celebrities and literary characters and at this point in my life I realize it's time to let it go. It's time to breakup with all of them. But how do you break a habit that's been your whole life? Ever since I learned how to read or watched movies I've fallen in love with fictional characters. Chris Chambers, Ron Weasley, Mr. Darcy, Jack Dawson, Jake Ryan, Peter Pevensie, Sherlock Holmes - really the list is embarrassingly long.
It's easier to have crushes on unattainable people. Like, literally unattainable since they don't even exist. Or celebrities like Benedict Cumberbatch, Andrew Garfield, Zac Efron - men that are so far from me it's safe to like them. So that in real life, I can hide and stay far away from relationships. Because relationships mean investment and time and God forbid I actually start to like someone because what if it doesn't work out? Because we've all been hurt right? We've all been with people that hurt us and it's so much better to just be alone, right?
I don't know. I don't know because I don't let myself get close to guys romantically because it's scary. But I do know that there is this line between reality and fantasy and so often I live in fantasy. Like one time I actually cried because I was thinking about how Narnia doesn't exist. That's how much I love worlds that aren't this one. But it's so strange to me, because I do love this world. I love the gritty, strange, beautiful, dirty city of Los Angeles. I love my friends so much sometimes it feels like my heart could burst.
I love this place and I love the moments when I stand back and feel in awe of just I don't know, the universe and space and time because really, it's so amazing. And I want to give my whole heart to this life that I have. I want to love people genuinely, I want to invest in my friendships and family and work.
And I want to be open if there's someone out there for me. Someone real.
I know it's good to dream. I know it's good to love books and film. But I also know I can use them as an escape. And I just can't do that anymore. I can't remove myself from my own reality because not only is that not healthy, it's not what God wants for me. I don't think so. You know?
So here I am. Here I am all you fictional men I love so much. It's not you guys. It's totally me. Like 100 percent. You guys have been great. It's been fun and exciting but I think it's time we go our separate ways. And hey...we can still be friends, right?