Friday, November 29, 2013

why Frozen made me cry (spoilers)

This morning I crawled out of my food-induced slumber from yesterday's feast and Chanelle & I trekked to Santa Monica to see Disney's 'Frozen.'

I will always love Disney movies because despite their plot holes (Belle, you freak a leak you fell in love with a beast who is keeping you a prisoner, Ariel you a dumb idiot let's be honest) because overall love is their theme and we can all appreciate love and feeling good, right?

Well Frozen was gorgeous. Not just visually but the story actually made me cry. And sure, I cry easily but this was a different level because it was so moving. Because it wasn't about romantic love. It was about the love between sisters and how it was enough to save lives.


my sissy Rebecca (L) & Christina (far right)  (rebecca just got engaged!!!)
A sister story? Done. Completely unraveled. Maybe it's because my sisters are my best friends. Maybe it's because I'm 3,000 miles away from my family and it's the holidays and one of my sisters just got engaged and everything is just changing and moving and it's beautiful but like, I think if I feel anymore my heart is going to fly out of my chest.

There's something so special about the bond between sisters. 

When we were really little we loved each other because quite honestly we didn't know any better. And then we got a little older and our parents divorced and it was like a force field pushing us together. Divorce is awful and sad but I do have to say this; it caused my sisters to go from just my siblings to my best friends and my soulmates. And I'm so grateful for them. I'm grateful for everything - our fights, our laughter, I'm grateful for the moments we get together and are so excited to see each other we basically tackle one another to the ground. I'm grateful for how loud we talk, how we can communicate without actually speaking. I'm really just grateful for them. And mom, thanks for raising us to be young women who are independent and for teaching us the value of hard work.

This wasn't mean to be sappy but I can't help it, that's what Disney does I guess. What I loved so much about Frozen was that while yes, it had a little romance, that wasn't the overall story or purpose of the film. It's quite unlike literally every other Disney movie where romantic love is the anchor of the plot. In this movie the focal point of the story is Princess Anna's unflinching love for her older sister Elsa and how she literally sacrifices herself to save her. It's so much more moving than just a simple romance and that's what makes the actual romance in the movie that much sweeter. Because it's secondary.

Anyway, I loved this movie so much. GO SEE IT NOW WOULD YOU!

Friday, November 15, 2013

the hunger

Have you guys seen that one episode of It's Always Sunny where Sweet Dee & Charlie think they eat human meat because Frank tells them they did?

 They go pretty much batshit crazy. They think they're cannibals & decide they have "The Hunger." It's funny because it's super disturbing and anything with Charlie Day in it is perfect and duh, I'm from Philadelphia so of course I'll watch a show that makes Philadelphians look like loveable sick crazy stupid idiots. 

They become obsessed. And then they find out it wasn't even human meat but like, raccoon meat or something and all of their crazed "hunger" was just in their head. 

I feel a lot like Dee and Charlie, which I don't know if I should say out loud because then maybe I need to question like, things in my life. But it's true. I have this hunger in me all the time. This hunger for more more more.

Nothing is ever enough. When I first moved here I had nothing, so all I wanted was somewhere to live and any kind of job. Little tiny victories like getting an interview at a restaurant or a nice stranger were glorious moments in my day. It was really, really hard.

Then I got an apartment but it wasn't nice enough. Then I got a car and it was a terrible hunk of shit. And I wanted and wanted more. Then I got a real job but it wasn't enough, nothing was enough.

Now I have a brand new car by the grace of God and a beautiful apartment (again by the grace of God) and a job that treats me so well (by the grace of God) and there's still..this...nagging. This little emptiness inside that says "more more more."

Nothing ever seems good enough. I'm never thin enough, I'm never pretty enough, I'm never talented enough, I'm never content. 

Sure I think the culture of Los Angeles fuels this need and want for better and bigger and more, but it's also for sure a human condition. It's a little something inside of me that says "There's always something better."

And there is. I'm not supposed to be content with everything here. But instead of reaching toward a better career, a better car, a better life/status, I should be reaching toward a better relationship with God.

Which like, is totally obvious but something I can't seem to grasp. 

I think a lot of times people expect because I identify as Christian that means I'm legalistic, I'm a bigot, I'm boring, I'm conservative, and I'm wrong. But I think what it means to me, to love Jesus Christ, it means to try and model my life the way Jesus lived His. 

He loved.

The hunger I have in me should be to love others selflessly, to serve others selflessly. That's really all I have to give anyway. 

I will never be satisfied while I'm alive. But that's different than not being thankful. Because oh man, I am thankful. I am so, so thankful even though I don't always act like it. And hey, I'm sorry universe and friends and world because sometimes I act like a brat and I complain and I'm annoyed and I'm super bitchy. 

But for every moment I mess up, every moment I crave something fleeting like money or fame or popularity or sex appeal - every minute I crave something like that, there is another minute that God is working in me. Shaping me and helping me and guiding me and I am so thankful because I hope I never stop changing and growing and becoming the person I was created to be. 

 I don't know these are just some thoughts I had this morning, also MIIIIGHT have to do with all the coffee I just drank but who's to say, really!

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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

breaking up with my (fictional) boyfriends

It's no secret that I like to have crushes on people...but the problem here is that my crushes tend to be on celebrities and literary characters and at this point in my life I realize it's time to let it go. It's time to breakup with all of them. But how do you break a habit that's been your whole life? Ever since I learned how to read or watched movies I've fallen in love with fictional characters.  Chris Chambers, Ron Weasley, Mr. Darcy, Jack Dawson, Jake Ryan, Peter Pevensie, Sherlock Holmes - really the list is embarrassingly long. 

It's easier to have crushes on unattainable people. Like, literally unattainable since they don't even exist. Or celebrities like Benedict Cumberbatch, Andrew Garfield, Zac Efron - men that are so far from me it's safe to like them. So that in real life, I can hide and stay far away from relationships. Because relationships mean investment and time and God forbid I actually start to like someone because what if it doesn't work out? Because we've all been hurt right? We've all been with people that hurt us and it's so much better to just be alone, right?

I don't know. I don't know because I don't let myself get close to guys romantically because it's scary. But I do know that there is this line between reality and fantasy and so often I live in fantasy. Like one time I actually cried because I was thinking about how Narnia doesn't exist. That's how much I love worlds that aren't this one. But it's so strange to me, because I do love this world. I love the gritty, strange, beautiful, dirty city of Los Angeles. I love my friends so much sometimes it feels like my heart could burst. 

I love this place and I love the moments when I stand back and feel in awe of just I don't know, the universe and space and time because really, it's so amazing. And I want to give my whole heart to this life that I have. I want to love people genuinely, I want to invest in my friendships and family and work. 

And I want to be open if there's someone out there for me. Someone real. 

I know it's good to dream. I know it's good to love books and film. But I also know I can use them as an escape. And I just can't do that anymore. I can't remove myself from my own reality because not only is that not healthy, it's not what God wants for me. I don't think so. You know? 

So here I am. Here I am all you fictional men I love so much. It's not you guys. It's totally me. Like 100 percent. You guys have been great. It's been fun and exciting but I think it's time we go our separate ways. And hey...we can still be friends, right?