Wednesday, September 25, 2013

a few things that give me panic attacks in my 20s

1. Crowded clubs/concerts/venues with no chairs.

I'm sure there was a time when I simply quivered with excitement at the prospect of an outdoor music festival, a club with strobing lights and a place that required wearing heels - I'm sure that time came and I had fun and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Well that time came and went and sailed away on a ship then jumped off a cliff then packed a backpack and boarded a spaceship and is hanging out like really far away. The thought of sweating in a place where I can't sit really freaks me out. You might be thinking, "YOU BOUGIE HOE!" And to that I reply I am from a working class family and I am not a HOE! 

The truth is I get crazy anxiety if I know I can't sit down somewhere and there are like, a thousand sweaty bodies mushing into mine. And hey, I like camping. I like running and hiking and being outside and I wouldn't consider myself high maintenance. I'm simply saying there was a shift....a very definite shift and one day I woke up at 24 years old and thought, "My GOD! I hate crowds and a lack of chairs!"

Earlier this summer I saw Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake in concert and you know what the best part was?  It wasn't meeting and shaking hands with Ben Lyons:

Who is my future husband and was so nice and I absolutely geeked out. 

It wasn't walking past Kevin Federline and wondering why I was actually excited to be seeing him. 

It wasn't even Justin Timberlake belting out "New York, New York" and literally moving me to tears (which doesn't take much, I am actually crying as I'm writing this because Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" just came on my playlist).


The best part was that we had seats. Did I sit in them? NO. Did I dance the entire time? YES. But did I have the OPTION of sitting down if I chose to do so if perhaps I felt a little spent? YES. 

And that made all the difference.

2. Checking my bank account.

This is my face when I log onto my bank account:

And that's all I have to say about that.

 3. Friends getting married.

It really stresses me out in a way I am not used to. It's not like I want to be in that position, but it's like WHOAH holy shit, is this where I am now in life? Is it? Because I'm pretty sure I just stayed up until 2am eating Trader Joes cookie butter and watching Doctor Who and then waking up late because of said late night TV marathon and deciding, "Eh, I don't really need to shower!" 

AND ALSO I can only cook like 2 things and I still read fanfiction more than anything else and I don't even know how to fill out a W-4 properly.....the list could literally go on and on.

4. Pilates/spin class/fancy exercise classes

I will never understand how someone in their 20s can afford to take fancy work-out classes. In LA it's so trendy and popular I actually feel like I'm missing out on a cool kid club. Then again, not everyone majored in acting and some people probably have super solid careers and all that, but I really feel like I am missing something. 

Does taking the stairs at work and leisurely jogs not count?!

5. Techno music.

My co-worker blasts techno music and it scares me. It's like if God was sitting around thinking, "HEY! What if a HEADACHE could be MUSIC? Oh, let's make TECHNO!!!!!!"

6. Less than 11 likes on instagram

It's true though and I feel gross for it. 

7. Facebook

It's old news we're the generation addicted to technology. I don't need another youtube video, short film, poem, ironic tweet about it. But I will say that the more time I spend on facebook the more depressed and anxious I become and it's a stupid, big dumb cycle. All of a sudden I'm overcome with jealousy for the success of my peers and people I graduated with...jealousy at how good someone looks, jealousy at relationships, at how everyone just seems to have EVERYTHING together. 

What I am learning in my 20s is this:

We all have very very very very very very very
 different paths. And I can't measure success against somebody else. Being in my 20s right now means just trying and failing and trying again, and discovering and experiencing and feeling. And it is hard and scary and confusing and wonderful, but that's where I (and so many other people too I think) am. 

For every panic attack I have in my twenties,  I also have an attack of AHH! This! This life right now! This is what I love! This city I live in! This dirty beautiful Los Angeles! These crazy friends and people I love! 

This! This is it. And it's just what I've wanted all along.




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