Friday, August 9, 2013

trying to be okay with fear (is hard)



I dream of being adventurous to the point where I realize how scared of everything I really am. 

There is probably a healthy balance between "dreamer" and "adventurer" and I'm pretty sure I am on the more unhealthy side of dreaming. Where are we supposed to draw the line? For instance - there are many a night when I'm out with friends or sitting at work and I am just fantasizing about my bed and Netflix or a book or any other fake world because I honestly don't feel like living this one. 

And then I'll scroll through instagram or Facebook and actually become depressed. And I'll look at light and pretty pictures of other people and become so jealous of their lives. I'm completely overlooking the blessings I have in my own life because I'm too busy wishing I had someone else's. SICK GROSS RIGHT?!??!?!?!?!?!?!? 

Last night we were talking about where we store our treasure and what that means for our lives. It made me immediately think of Harry Potter (of course) and in the Sorcerer's Stone and the Mirror of Erised. I thought about what I might see if I looked in the mirror and I'm a little afraid of the truth. Because the mirror exposes your heart's deepest desire.

Of course, I'd love to be able to say I'd see myself holding hands with Jesus and feeding little orphans and giving away all of my posessions. But what I would really see is probably me, twenty pounds lighter, with a big rock on my left finger and really cool clothes and lots of friends. 

It's freaky and scary when you realize where you store your treasure. And in a city like Los Angeles where everyone is just craving, wanting, itching for the next big best thing - everyone is desperate to stay young and look good and be friends with the "right people" - well you can pretty much guess where everyone's treasure is stored. And I can easily see where my treasure is lying. And it sure ain't in Jesus.

Not always.

But I want to change that. 

I feel like my Christian walk is this line - this line that I constantly stray from. And then I come back. Then I stray again and get hurt and down and far and then crawl slowly back, one eye cracked open, cringing at God as if to say, "Do you still want me?" 

And every time (duh)  He says the simplest of answers.

"Yes."

Yes.

"But why?" I ask and I put my hands over my eyes, peeking through the slits, face down, ashamed and embarrassed. 

"Because I love you," He always says. And sometimes it doesn't feel "nice" but it always feels real. There's a difference.

I crave adventure and relationships and stories and memories. I also crave hiding and pulling blankets over my eyes and being someone else. I idealize life and expect too much and get angry too fast.

And all I really want to see when I look in that mirror is God saying, "Well done."

Life and thoughts and shit, am I right?!?!?

Goodness.




2 comments:

  1. Hang in there... we are all rooting for you.

    This cheered me up yesterday when having similar feelings:
    http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

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    1. Thank you friend. :):) That did cheer me up.

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