Wednesday, June 12, 2013

i can't remember the last time i cried


Does that mean I'm turning into a dude? I'M KIDDING I'M KIDDING, I'M NOT TRYING TO CONFORM TO SOCIETAL PRESSURES THAT SAY MEN CAN'T CRY.

Have you seen Benedict Cumberbatch cry?

 So hot. One day when I'm married to Benny Cumberbunz we can call ourselves the Cumberbunch and everyone will be jealous. (You're welcome for that mental image of me and Benedict Cumberbatch and a minivan of Cumberbabies.)

Anyway.

Right, back to my current lack of tear-ducts. Now I understand this is normal for some people. Some regular, even-tempered human beings. But for a half Puerto Rican, half Italian 23 year old woman who already has too many feels in this twisted little brain of hers?

IT IS NOT NORMAL.

Am I turning into a robot? The thing is ya lugs, I usually cry like, every half hour. It could be because the Gin Blossoms started playing on my playlist and it reminds me of driving around the summer before I moved to LA. It could be because someone on Facebook posts a stupidly perfect video of their toddlers being stupidly adorable. It could be because my sister texts me a picture of our cat cuddling her. It could be because all of a sudden I'm youtubing clips from that one episode of Home Improvement where Tim and Jill think Randy (JTT, duh) could have cancer and there's like a montage of him and I'm all sitting at my desk WEEPING BECAUSE DAMMIT IT IS TOUCHING, DAMN YOU TIM ALLEN.

Okay, my point is I'm an emotional, twerking ball of hormonal woman.

SIDENOTE: Is anyone as amazed at how WELL Miley Cyrus can twerk?





Like homegirl can move that white booty! Cray!

Again, I digress.

So yeah, it's been about two months since I've actually cried. Tearing up, sure. A little snivel? Definitely. But an actual flow of tears? Nope.....nothing. Might as well be Cameron Diaz in the Holiday (okay, where's my British man...where?)


The sick part about all of this is that I've actually been trying to cry. I sit in church at Reality LA and I try....Lord knows (literally He does) that I try to cry. I try to be moved by the worship songs, try to be moved by the pastor. I hear the girl behind me sniff and immediately I'm like DAMMIT!!!! SHE'S SO MUCH CLOSER TO GOD THAN ME BECAUSE SHE'S CRYING. 

And it's stupid. Because everyone has a different relationship with God, and do tears prove anything? No. And I can't force myself to feel anything. Just because for the past few months I don't cry in church doesn't mean I don't believe God is there with me.

I was lamenting over my lack of tears today on the phone with my mom and sister (we're one of those weirdly close families where the phone just gets passed back and forth between mom and sisters and everyone's yelling and laughing and crying and it's spectacular).

"I haven't cried in months and I don't feel anything when I'm in church," I said to my mom and Christina on the phone.

"God's real no matter how you feel," came my mom's replay and Christina hopped on the phone.

"Nina, just because you don't cry at church....okay that doesn't even make sense why you think you HAVE to cry at church, but seriously. Just being there, sitting in church...that's good. God is always there, everywhere."

And both of their responses hit me. First of all, because no matter where I am emotionally, God is a constant in my life. He's real. He's real no matter HOW I feel, as my mother stated. I don't care if that's the cheesiest mccheeseball saying of all time. It's true. 

So yeah, I haven't cried in awhile. So yeah, I don't feel overly emotional and I'm in this weird, dry place in my life. But God works through every single moment of our lives. Why is it so easy to forget that?

I don't want to forget it. And I don't think I will. 





* * * 

1 comment: