Friday, March 29, 2013

why phillip phillips is ruining everything

If you know me then you know that I am a swooner. It's just a thing I do, okay? I swoon! Sue me!

I swoon over lots of things. Kittens. Babies. Amazing literary moments (ie: Ron and Hermione's kiss). Songs. Banjos. A well made latte. Old lovey couples. Young lovey couples. You name it, I will probably swoon.

Lately there seems to be nothing more swoon worthy than a certain American Idol winning, Georgia born, soulful guy named PHILLIP FREAKING PHILLIPS.

Ugh, just stop it Phillip Phillips with your stupid name and even stupider good looks. I can't. Take. IT!!!

I was driving home from work the other night and PP's song, "Gone, Gone, Gone" came on and that was it. I was done. Off to Swoonville where I live in the Burrow and Zac Efron is everywhere and we can all eat as much chocolate as we want and no one gets heavy or Diabetes.

It's really an issue and here's why; HIS SONGS ARE SO UNREALISTIC AND FOOLISH. It's as if PP sat in a room with a few label execs and said, "Okay team. Let's write a song where every single line is perfectly designed to make a woman's ovaries explode and her heart melt into a cardiovascular fondue fountain." PERFECCTTT!!

Would you like a taste of this obscene wonder?

"When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight if you need help, if you need help.
I'll shut down the city lights
I'll lie cheat I'll beg and bribe
to make you well, make you well
When enemies are at your door I'll carry you away from more if
you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
to make you well to make you well."

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! STOPPPPP! I don't want to deal with all these FEELSSS Phillip Phillips. I'm not even going to touch on the slighly messed up cheating and lying and bribing (that's just wrong PP!) but come on!

This is redonk. Silly. Over the top. Like it's so nice it's just FUNNY. There are so many unrealistic expectations set up with this song for every party involved. Because if Phillip Phillips were to really song a relatable love song it'd go something like this:

"You're such an amazing texter it's hard to believe
I'll like your instagram photos cuz you got an awesome feed
Maybe we can hang out and split the bill
Because we're not sure if we're more than friends or how we really feel."

I feel like I wouldn't enjoy this as much but STILL AT LEAST IT'D BE REALISTIC. Am I right? Am I right? Alright, yes, I'll still listen to PP but still, I don't think there's anyone who can write a more swoon worthy song than this kid. Woof.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

If I Instagrammed What My Life Was Really Like I Think I Would Scare Everyone

It's true. I'm just like any other gal living in Los Angeles! I want to instagram that pretty sunset over the Valley! I want to snap a picture of my trendy latte art at an obscure cafe in Silverlake and seem really cool!!!!! I WANT TO WEAR QUIRKY TIGHTS AND TAKE A PICTURE OF MY COOL SHOES ON A WORN OUT BRICK ROAD THAT'S ACTUALLY PROBABLY JUST IN WEST LA.

Does this make me a bad person? Don't answer that. But what I'm sure it does is paint a picture of a life that I'm not really living. Who instagrams the real messed up shit we all actually go through? Like how ADORABLE would it be if I posted a picture on instagram of my face screwed up in worry with the caption, "Having a panic attack! Yeee!"


I'm so obsessed with wanting everyone out there thinking I'm living this wonderful, happy, carefree west coast life. It's stupid. I'm not. No one lives that life unless you're a cartoon character in which case CAN WE PLEASE BE FRIENDS. 

The more I try to make it seem one way, the more it's the other. Instead of just living and breathing and waking up each morning with a heart full of gratitude, I wake up with a heart full of worry and anxiety and stress. And occasionally there are moments when I feel so full my heart could explode. But it should be the opposite way. I should feel full of wonder and awe with OCCASIONAL stress and anxiety and worry.

Our Creator didn't Create us to have us fret all the hours of our days. I don't want that. That's why I'm trying to slow down and enjoy the little minutes. Like the morning light through my living room, the gentle glow it creates as I sip my tea.

Like the strangers that I meet at work; the amazement in their eyes as I take them around the studio, the kindness they show and their genuine smiles.

Like my legs moving as I run under bending trees, breathing in the salty sea air wafting up from the beach. 

Like the text from an old friend that reminds me of my roots and when I was thirteen and summertime in Philadelphia.

Because, really, this:

Is actually more like this:

And as my boy Tupac once said, "That's just the way it is."

So ya big lugs! That's my goal. To slow down and not care about how others perceive my life.  Because I am His Beloved! We all are AND THAT'S FREAKING AWESOME I SAY WE JUST HAVE A BIG OL BELOVED PARTY.

Ya sweet thangs.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

what we learn when we're alone

So much of my life is spent in sitting alone in my car waiting - 

waiting in traffic. 

Waiting to meet friends, waiting for work to start, waiting for practice, or class, or a show. 


I spend a lot of time alone here in Los Angeles. Wandering through familiar streets, sitting and reading and thinking until my brain feels like it's going to explode with the dizzying amount of thoughts that fill it up. I also spend a lot of time with friends, with coworkers, with my church but it is sometimes in these moments of being alone that I learn and think and wade through the complete mess that is myself. 

Being alone is a little scary. I like to go go GO and then when I'm at rest, I freak out. I can't shut my thoughts off. They all hit me hard and fast and it's so consuming.

I need more money.

I hate Sallie Mae.

Why doesn't Narnia exist.

I should work out.

Should I cut my hair?

Why doesn't Narnia exist.

I should write.

I really don't wanna work out.

But I really should lose weight.


I was sitting in my car alone the other day, on the phone with my old Young Life leader. Aren't Young Life leaders the best? Even so many years later, even 3,000 miles away, I can sit in my car and bawl my eyes out to my Young Life leader even though I'm not a high school girl anymore. That's why I love that ministry so much. I was sitting there, crying and pouring all my gunk out and she helped me come to the realization that I'm so distracted by everything that I can't even hear God. And that made me pause.

I can't even HEAR God. And maybe I'm not even listening. Because I'm never sitting still, ever. Even when I'm "alone" I'm not really alone. I'm scrolling through Instagram, I'm texting someone, I'm listening to music, I'm filling my mind with something always at every given moment. 

But oh how I yearn to hear that quiet, still whisper of the Lord! How even amidst my loudness, my joking around and little quips and amidst work and improv and writing and friends - amidst all of this, what my soul yearns for is to hear God. To feel Him, His arms holding me and His love surrounding me. And if I long for that so much, why can't I just sit still and let it consume me? Why can't I truly be alone with God when I'm alone?

I think no matter where we are it might always be hard to stay focused on God, but something about a big city like Los Angeles really makes it difficult. But that's my cry and that's my prayer. That in the middle of this loud and vibrant and WEIRD and strange and scary and amazing city, that I can hear God. That I can hear Him and I can listen to Him. And to know that even when I feel like I'm alone, I'm really not at all.