Thursday, February 14, 2013

hi my name is Nina meet my really needy friend, Anxiety

I have crippling anxiety and it's the opposite of fun. 

It's to the point where it is intrusive, slightly delusional, and it interrupts my daily life. I don't know where it comes from but I know I've had it my entire life. When I was little I used to be afraid of butterflies...BUTTERFLIES!!! What child is afraid of butterflies? A little, neurotic, OCD child named Nina. 

I know I am anxiety-ridden - a never ending mass of nerves and shakiness. Quite literally, I am always trembling. It's like I have too much inside of me and my body doesn't know what to do with it so I am just shaking all the time. 

I'm not saying all of this to make myself out to be some kind of freak. I'm writing this because I know I'm not alone. I know there are others who are neurotic and have anxiety and I know it is a daily struggle. 

I'm lying here in bed, my favorite candle burning (White Christmas) and All Sons & Daughters playing to soothe me. It is in this place that I am comforted and peaceful. The lyrics hit me as I stretch out under my covers:

  • I could just sit
  • I could just sit and wait for all your goodness
  • Hope to feel your presence
  • And I could just stay
  • I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you
  • Hope to feel something again
  • And I could hold on
  • I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside
  • And I could be safe
  • I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
  • Never let these walls down
  • But you have called me higher
  • You have called me deeper
  • And I will go where you will lead me Lord

  • Yes!!! Yes, this is me God! I know it. How often am I stuck in traffic and the anxiety hits - I feel it bubbling up and I go into mind-lock and I start to panic and I feel it coming on, the panic attack, that stupid thing and I think in my head, "I wish I was home. I wish I was in Philadelphia with my family. Why am I so far? Why am I out here? What am I doing!?!?!"

  • And I listen to this song and it is so, SO true. I COULD just play it safe. I could just wait and wait and wait for all of God's goodness. But is that what God is calling me into? No. God never gives us anything we can't handle. It is so hard to remember this. It's hard to remember this when I'm freaking out or nervous or going into panic mode. 

  • And Lawd, I try. I try to not be so much I try to not feel so strongly or have so many emotions but it's hard because for some silly and wonderful reason, God made me just this way for a reason. Maybe it's to connect to others who feel what I feel; maybe it's because one day in the far future I'll have a daughter who has anxiety and I'll understand her. I don't know. I don't know why God makes us the way we are. But I do know God is with us right there. He's with me when I feel alone or scared or happy or content or angry or deliriously happy when I'm laughing with friends or dancing. 

  • I love, love, love these lyrics so much. We all come to LA for adventure, do we not? For some agenda, we move away from our families and friends and loved ones and we move to Los Angeles and we connect with one another, we live in this vibrant and weird city. I want to open my heart to why God has me here and I want to listen and I want to be continually changed. And I need to remember that God is always calling us higher, as much as I would love to be cozy all day under my covers, reading a book and sipping tea. Because after all, where's the adventure in that?

  • 1 comment:

    1. Oh I love that song by Sons and Daughters.. I love all songs by them for that matter...