Thursday, August 9, 2012

things i wish they actually taught us in college

Most of us paid a lot of money to get our education. Or, let me rephrase that, most of us are in a lot of DEBT because we got an education. I know I'm not the only one who cringes and pukes a little in my mouth whenever I see an email in my inbox from the dreaded "Sallie Mae." Ugh, I hate her, she's the worst.

College is expensive, awesome, and goes by really fast. Now that I'm an actual "adult" living an "adult life" (by "adult" I mean I now get angry at gas prices and by "adult life" I mean no one is yelling at me to clean my room) there are a few skill sets I wish NYU would have taught me. Sure, I learned how to smell a pretend coffee cup and write pointless essays on pretentious topics like, "How To View A Piece of Art In The Non- Admire Me Way Because It's Unfair To The Piece of Art."*

*=actual paper Chanelle wrote. WHAT THE HELL NYU?

Anyway, here are some practical things I wish college would have taught me. Not that I didn't appreciate learning how to view art or going to an exotic cabaret the first week of college, but really, these things could have helped.

WHAT VITAMINS TO TAKE 

I want to start taking vitamins. I feel like, okay, I'm 23 now. Been 23 for a few days. It's time to buckle down and swallow a few fish oils or some omegas or whatever the world that would be. But have you ever walked down the vitamin aisle in Trader Joes? Have you ever even GLANCED in a vitamin shop? 


Exactly. SHEER FEAR! I get anxiety just thinking about it. I can feel my palms sweating and my heart racing and then it's like, it's probably healthier for me to not even take vitamins because I'm stressing out just thinking about the process of buying them. Do I want vitamins to help my hair get all glossy? Or to make my bones strong? Or to have thick eyelashes while my skin clears up and have strong fingernails? IT'S ALL JUST SO MUCH TO HANDLE! How do I even know? Is there a "Taking vitamins for dummies" handbook someone can send me? 

HOW TO PUT A BIKE ON THE FRONT OF A BUS

This stresses me out and I don't even have a bike! I feel like it's one of those things where everyone just knows it somehow, until it's your turn for the first time and you look like an idiot. Like, what if I GOT a bike? What if I needed to put it on the bike rack in front of a bus? Sure, logically you think it's pretty easy, but then you have like 40 impatient people on the bus glaring at you, the traffic of Santa Monica Blvd and your fingers start to tremble and all of a sudden you don't even know how to think. 

COME ON! There should be an entire course in college on how to adequately take public transportation in cities where it sucks. NYU would be great at that. Public trans was perfection in NYC, but stick me in Los Angeles and I turn from this:


Yoda and Einstein mixed from the amount of wisdom and knowledge I once possessed....

to this:


Exactly. No one knows. Everyone's confused and a little grossed out. 

HOW TO AVOID DOING LAUNDRY AS LONG AS POSSIBLE 

I've gotten really, really good at this one. The single worst struggle of a post-college, "adult life" is the warfare against my laundry. It haunts me, with its piles and piles of glaring socks and jeans and blouses. I avoid it at all costs. Luckily, even without a college course on how to avoid doing laundry for as long as possible, I've picked up a few tricks. You know, real world experience that all employers seem to want on a resume anyways. Here are a few tips for avoiding your laundry.

-Bikini underwear. Do I need to explain it? Have a few bikini bottoms lying around? They can at least hold you over for a day until you decide to do the dreaded laundry. For those of you glaring at me, get over yourselves and try it. It'll change ya world.



this dude definitely hasn't done laundry in awhile
-Retro style is in anyway, right? See that T-shirt that says "DUDE!" across the front you thought was only popular in the 90s? LIES LITTLE MINION. It's popular now too! Especially when it's the only thing in your dresser. Throw an ironic cardigan right over that bad boy, an old pair of converse, some thick glasses and BAM! Silver Lake will welcome you into their neighborhood with open arms.
HOW TO DEAL WITH ANXIETY

Hi, my name's Nina and I suffer from MAJOR ANXIETY. Everything makes me anxious. A new bruise, thunderstorms, driving through small spaces, working out, doing my hair...You name it, I stress about it. Adorable, right? Why couldn't there have been a course about helping you deal with anxiety? I would have gladly spent all of my time in college learning how to CHILL THE HELL OUT. Then I could have turned from this:

to this:


My dream. My life. Ahhh.

HOW TO DATE WITHOUT SEEMING OVERLY AVAILABLE BUT NOT TOO CLOSED OFF EITHER

Ugh, dating. Gross, right? After college it's like all of a sudden all of your friends just want to go out for "drinks" and "date." Dating is like both the worst and best thing in the world. But how do you date without sticking a sign on your forehead when you're out at a bar or a comedy show or just walking down the street that says "Hey FELLAS! I'm totally emotionally available but I won't obssesively text you and hey, I'm down to cuddle and go on hikes."

Right? It's difficult. That's why in college it would have been great to learn how to properly date in the real world. In college it's seemingly easy. (Unless you went to NYU where there's like 5 straight guys and impossible to date if you are a straight female). But you're always around other people your age and it's just easier to meet people. Stick a person in a city like LA? Suddenly every episode of Criminal Minds is playing over in my head and I'm like, WHO CAN I TRUST YA BIG LUGS. Stress, amiright?!

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1 comment:

  1. This made me laugh out loud. I totally agree with the bike on the bus thing and I never even take public transportation. It just seems like one of those things that people don't learn, they just KNOW.

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