Tuesday, June 26, 2012

the quiet lonely where you're not really alone

Traveling alone is always an emotional event for me. For one, I hate it. For two, I hate it. And for three, I usually eat way too much candy. I'm sitting here at LAX. It's 1:42AM and I'm delirious and exhausted and I feel sick and I just want to be cuddling with my cat in Philadelphia with some Wawa near me and my mom and people who truly and deeply love me. 

It's interesting that sometimes we feel alone, even when we're surrounded by hundreds of people, huh? There is this longing in us to be loved and accepted. How many of us crave a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Or a best friend, or a father's approval? We desperately want to be accepted by the world - in our career, in our relationships, by our peers. We want people to look at us and think, "Yes. You've got it. You're amazing and special and unique and FREAKING AWESOME."

We want this so badly. I don't care if you lie to yourself and say, "Nahh" because I really think you want it too. It's the reason why so many of us sell ourselves short--we latch to any old attention that comes our way and we think, "FINALLY!" We seek out things that make us feel briefly satisfied. Whether it's alcohol or drugs or even working out or daydreaming - anything can become a barrier when we worship it or when we use it to fill voids in ourselves. Gossip, for example. How tempting is it to gossip all the time? To belittle others so that we feel better about ourselves. 

"She smiles weird."

"He talks too much."

"She's a slut."

"He's such a douche."

It's really, really sick and really, really easy to fall into. I know I'm guilty of it. And I hate it. 

We do these things because we want to feel something. We want to feel better than others. None of us want to be ordinary. And none of us want to be alone.

The world teaches us to follow our hearts and to serve ourselves. To get a college degree, to be "well rounded" and to impress EVERYONE. One thing I love that we talk about in church is the idea of "following your heart." Like, what does that even mean? Especially in Los Angeles, people are all about listening to their heart and staying "true" to themselves. But gosh, when I think about it...my heart is effed up y'all!!! If I followed my heart everyday I'd be a messed up individual. Wouldn't it be so much more amazing to follow something greater than just...us? 

I think so. That's why I follow Jesus because He was the freaking MAN & still is.  

Anyway. Back to my original point and I don't even know if I still have an original point. I am so busy everyday worrying about the next step in my career. Worrying about this person and why they aren't treating me the way I want to be treated and what have I done wrong? Worrying about friendships, about my looks, trying to lose weight and be funnier and this and that and it all is just so ridiculous. Because I sit back and I think: 

Jesus loves me. 

Jesus. 

Christ. 

The son of GOD - loves me.

AND YOU.

It makes me cry right now thinking about it. It makes me want to get on my knees and throw my hands in the air and just live in that awe. Because I am so thankful. Because God loves me and with me, He is well pleased. Me? But I suck. I'm impatient and annoying and I can be downright rude.....but God has Grace. And each day His mercies are new. And each day I want to be closer and closer to Jesus and I want to change the way I'm living - I want to live radically and courageously. 

We're not alone when we have Jesus. I don't care if that is the most overused and cliche sentiment in the whole world. It is truth. 

I just pray we all believe it. 

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