Wednesday, June 6, 2012

OnLy GoD CaN JuDgE Me*~*~*~*~ (no but seriously)

I do this really adorable thing where I overanalyze everything. Jealous much? You should be....IF IT WERE OPPOSITE DAY.


Did anyone know this was an actual movie? Pauly Shore, what are you DOING? But yeah, I do agree....KIDS RULE!!!!!

Back to my point of my super adorable trait of freaking out and overanalyzing everything. I could list all the areas of my life where I nitpick everything apart, but it'd be kind of a super boring post. Recently I've been struggling with the fact that I don't always feel like I belong in the category of a "Christian girl." I know, I know. Sound the alarm! What does that even mean? Before you rip me to shreds with whatever argument you have, hear me out.

 I haven't been a Christian my whole life. I've always believed in God, but it was never a relationship with Jesus Christ. It was more of a fear that if I did something bad I would go to a hell and never be forgiven. There was no Grace in this mindset, no mention of a Savior dying on a cross so that I didn't have to worry anymore, I just had to believe. Then I realized when I was seventeen that I wanted to know what it was like to live my life for something greater than myself. I wanted to know about this Jesus guy and why he died for me and if he actually even cared about me at all. (Turns out he does and it is AWESOME). 

So becoming a Christian has been amazing because it's not a religion so much as it is a relationship. A real, turbulent, complicated, beautiful relationship. But with that comes struggles, especially within the Christian community. I know I can't be the only girl out there that feels the way I do. And listen, I understand you must disagree with me or get angry or whatever, but this is my heart and my feelings and thoughts are real and valuable. And besides this is my blog and I'll DO WHAT I WANT DAMMIT.

Anyway....if you read my blog you know from my previous posts that I've always been loud and silly and ridiculous. It's who I am inside and it's the way God made me. This never, ever bothered me before I became a Christian. I loved making people laugh...I dreamed of growing up and doing it for a living. And then I became a Christian and slowly but surely I started to doubt myself. Isn't it strange how the enemy works? He knows our weaknesses and he strikes, but God is SO much bigger. And now that I'm 22 and done college and a lot of my friends are starting to get married and settle down, it just gets me thinking. I know I'm super young and I have my whole life to worry, but sometimes I can't help it. And lately I can't help but come home from hanging out with friends, or at work and I sit down and just when I'm about to go to sleep or shower I am flooded with ridiculous thoughts. 

"You laugh too loud."

"You ARE too loud."

"You're not feminine."

"You're annoying."

"You eat a lot."

....that last one is one I think every girl thinks. But before y'all start being like, "Dang Nina, you saaadddd girrrl."  It's not like that. I think a lot of us are flooded with these thoughts but sometimes we just try and hide them and get over it. But it's ridiculous that we overanalyze ourselves so much. Yesterday my mom sent me this prayer: 

Let the broken say it: When you’re bruised by lies, believe truth and whisper it louder: "I am my Beloved's."

I belong to JESUS. YES! How amazing! How free! So when I start to doubt my worth and identity and I think, "I'm not gentle and feminine and I don't Pinterest and sometimes you know what? I am really loud and opinionated." But that's who I am. I'm not perfect but comparison won't help anything. Everyone is uniquely crafted!!

Yesterday a friend sent me this in a text:

"I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, most precious thing in all thinking."
George MacDonald

YES! We need to remember this. Even if you don't believe in God or believe in Jesus Christ as Savior, YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND GOD CREATED YOU FOR A REASON. This is TRUTH. It blows my mind every single day. In a city like Los Angeles, I need to cling to and remember this. It's hard to have strong faith here in LA. I have struggled more in my walk with the Lord here than I ever have. It can be so lonely and isolating here and it's so easy to be tempted to fill up my life with temporary and instant satisfaction because in the moment it feels good. But it's so fleeting....there is nothing like the love of Christ. Nothing. 

I know this seems like a rant but too often I shy away from my thoughts about my faith. I keep quiet because I'm scared people will think of me differently or they'll judge me or they'll think I'm stupid because I love God so much. How silly is that? How absurd? The truest part about me is my heart and more than anything I want to glorify God every single day. And goodness do I fall short. But I am trying. All I can do is wake up in the morning, thank God for a new day and live out the Gospel. To love others unconditionally, to serve others, to encourage others...what a revolutionary world we'd live in if we actually lived the way Jesus lived. Amazing.

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2 comments:

  1. very insightful! i love you! :)

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  2. Sometimes when I begin to over analyze things I try and remind myself that God created me as I am, and I really need to stop worrying about who I am and start thinking about what I am supposed to be doing for Him with what he gave me. Often when I see people struggling I point them to Jeremiah 29:11-13 which starts For I know the plans I have for you. . . after that I start teetering off with how it goes, but in any case it's a simple reminder that even when we are completely unsure of what we're doing, God already knows and we just need to stop and be patient and wait for His next step for us. God bless! I'll be praying for you.

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