Wednesday, May 2, 2012

into the wild

Sometimes it is so easy to forget where we've come from and only continually look at where we think we're going. There are moments when I need to simply stop, breathe, and be grateful. This past weekend a dear friend of mine, Emily, was in LA and I was lucky enough to spend some time with her! Emily is one of my good friends from NYU. She is a cozy kinda lady. She's the kind of friend you drink tea with or have brunch or watch Woody Allen movies and laugh and she's basically the best. During the time I was able to spend with her we had a really amazing and encouraging conversation. We were talking about how it is really easy to feel discouraged about where your career is going in the film industry. It's easy to see what other people are doing that we graduated with and feel bitter at their success. But then Emily asked me to think about where I was exactly one year ago. And one year ago I was living at home in Philadelphia working at a deli. I had just graduated NYU and was saving every penny I made to move out here to LA where I didn't know anyone, didn't have anything but my faith in God and my dreams. And to think that now I'm here living in Los Angeles. I am slowly buidling somewhat of a home here. It blows my mind every single day.

I don't know why it's so easy to get consistently consumed with the things of this world. And somedays it's like, I really get it. I'm reading my bible everyday, I feel close to God, I'm getting strength from Scripture....and then all it takes is one bad week to knock everything down. One comment from someone that discourages me and it's all I can dwell on. One day when I wake up and hate the way I look and suddenly all I see when I go anywhere are all the pretty, skinny LA girls with their cool clothes and even cooler attitudes and I'm full of jealousy and annoyance at myself. And then I start thinking about finances and power and success and relationships and all my friends with boyfriends and do you see how it just gets to be SO much? WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE A FREAKING TELEVISION ON CRACK. I can't be the only one that feels like this sometimes.

When I start to feel like this I usually do something that makes me feel good or familiar. So since this was kind of a rough week, the other day I went to one of my favorite coffee shops where they sell the most delicious vegan double chocolate chip cookies. NOW HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE! I know what you're thinking. "NINA! How dare you! VEGAN?!" I knowwwww. I know. But listen. It tastes GOOD. It's nothing to do with the Vegan-ness of it all. Rest assured hometown of Philadelphia, LA health has not broken me yet!

Back to my point.

So I go to this cafe. I get my cookie. I read some Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets. And I slowly feel peace. I pray. I sit with God and just let it wash over me that I am alive and blessed and everything will be okay. I think a lot of a bad week has to do with being homesick. I miss the familiarity of my sisters and my mom and my cat and my home. Of late spring back home, of getting Rita's Waterice and walking around Swarthmore and sitting in those over-sized chairs they have on Swarthmore College's campus. Of being with Melanie and Jeane and Laura, best friends that have known me since I didn't even really know myself, when weekends were spent laughing together in Laura's barn, or watching Titanic and crying together. These are friendships I will carry with me forever. Friendships where you don't have to try. The closeness of friends before there were boyfriends and college and people moving away. I love all of these things and remembering where I came from helps me to appreciate where I'm going.

"Years are ridiculously short and minutes can be relentlessly long and failures can seem eternal. I have known it, the mornings that I have struggled to get out of bed, the days when I’ve fumed about all that is wrong in them and me and the world: When we fixate on the worst in something, we render ourselves incapable of fixing anything. But attend to the good in something — and we act towards the best in everything."
--Ann Voskamp

Homegirl speaks truth.

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