Sunday, April 8, 2012

there are no words

Today was the kind of long day that is gratifying and amazing and good. I am exhausted. I can't wait until I lay down in my bed, and yet my heart and my mind are both still reeling! First of all, I haven't updated this blog in awhile. That's mainly because we don't have internet in our apartment...at least, not consistent internet. Most of the time it's not even a big deal, but I notice it hinders my blogging. Hopefully we'll get internet soon, but I'm kind of enjoying the break from social media (although my iPhone does nothing to help that......ADDICTIONNNNNN)

ANYWAY.

Today was breathtaking. Where could I possibly even begin? Today was Easter Sunday and it was amazing. If I had to spend Easter any other way besides with my family, I am glad it was the way it was today. 

Y'all, I am in awe. Sometimes I'll be driving down Wilshire or I'll be running along the ocean and I'll just have to stop and take everything in. I felt like today was just one big moment of stopping and taking it all in and wanting to fall down onto my knees. How could I possibly put into words how I feel? To know that Jesus Christ rose again....He is alive....He is risen.....I.....like I said, I'm pretty speechless.

Today there were moments that brought tears to my eyes. Seeing hundreds of people on their knees worshipping the Lord, complete joy radiating from their hearts. To be a part of that....it's something I'll never forget. To be sitting alongside friends and praising Jesus...what a gift! A true and real and wonderful gift. UGH! It hurts my heart to just think about it.

Today I also got to witness four friends of mine get baptized....AND CAN YOU SAY I BAWLED LIKE A BABY????? From death to life sucka! Just kidding, but no seriously, IN JESUS WE GO FROM DEATH TO LIFE. I can't...even...grasp....it.


 An Easter picture.... Kelsey, Ali and myself setting up for Reality LA's service. So blessed. 

The thing is, I will never forget the night I met Jesus Christ. Sitting in an open field under the stars of upstate New York.....I will never forget looking into the faces of those who loved Jesus and thinking to myself, "I want that. Whatever they have, that is what I want."

And sometimes it can be really scary....I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I care so much about what people think of me. Sometimes I want so badly to run through the streets screaming, "I LOVE JESUS, OKAY?!?!?!?!?!" and yet I am so afraid! And it is so stupid because this life is just the blink of an eye, and Jesus conquered DEATH. That is HUGE! And I believe this so why wouldn't I want to share it with everyone??

Gosh, this post is so fragmented but that is how it always is when I haven't blogged for awhile....I am just feeling so full. It makes me cry to think of just a few months ago. Chanelle and I out here with nothing. No apartment...no job, no car, no friends. And to sit in church today next to people who know and love me....then to drive home in my own car....to be sitting here, with a roof over my head. To have a mother who loves me enough to believe in me and let me take that wild leap of faith out here.....don't you see how overwhelming it all is?


 As I sat on the beach yesterday in Santa Monica, I thought, "I don't deserve to be here." I immediately thought of my mom and how hard she works and has worked her entire life. She would do anything for my sisters and I and works harder than anyone I know so I can pursue my dreams....she deserves to be on the beach, not me. But then I realized, well of course I don't deserve it. And that's why I'm not living for this life at all, but for something greater. And I can't wait for the day when my mom is out here with me and all my family can just somehow be together in the same state.

It's been a crazy few weeks but God is teaching me so much and everyday I am so, so thankful. ALSO WAIT I DIDN'T EVEN BLOG ABOUT THE FACT THAT IS SAW TITANIC IN 3D.....OKAY THAT WILL BE THE NEXT BLOG. GOOD NIGHT. UGH NOW I'M JUST GOING TO GO DREAM ABOUT JACK DAWSON.............

<3


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