The other day I did something most people would consider unforgivable. If we were living in the realm of Harry Potter, I'd probably be sentenced to Azkaban.
I saw Nicholas Sparks' The Lucky One.
Before everyone throws their copies of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina at my forehead, let me explain why I decided to spend 13.75 at the Arclight theatre in Hollywood the other sunny afternoon:
SLAY ME NOW!!!!! Did you hear that? That bomb-like sound in the distance? That was my ovaries exploding knowing I will never have Zac Efron's children. Ugh. Those arms! That scowl! THAT PICKUP TRUCK!
After I recovered from the blinding light of beauty that is Zefron, I sat there in the theatre and realized something. Nicholas Sparks is naive. Not because of his bizarre talent to write ridiculously addicting books that turn into even more addicting movies. He's naive because he's obviously never watched Criminal Minds. In the movie the main character, Beth, lives in Louisiana and works on her family's dog kennel/obedience school. And sure it's beautiful and serene and all country like where the sun sets at the perfect angle and you just want to drink lemonade and eat pecan pie....but it's also ISOLATED. And listen, maybe it's just my East Coast neurosis kicking in (Larry David would understand)...but I can't get around the fact that being secluded on a freaking farm is kind of CREEPY!!! And homegirl goes running in the early morning ALONE. Sure, she has a few dogs with her but UM NICHOLAS HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A COLD OPENING OF CRIMINAL MINDS?
Listen, it's true. It's the perfect set up to get murdered. In my opinion, Sparks needs to sit down and watch back to back episodes of Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan investigating the minds of sickos who prey on women in Louisiana who run in the early morning with dogs. Because let me tell you, there ain't no Zac Efron in Criminal Minds. Nuh-uh.
I get that isolated farmland is supposed to be romantic. And in a romance, sure...it definitely is. Who doesn't want a strapping young man with a sensitive side who looks like the big spoon but probably doesn't mind being little spoon every once in awhile doing your yard work and eating jambalaya with you in the evening? Ya dumb if you don't want that. BUT! It's also creepy. Take Zac Efron out of the equation. Take the sweet and slow guitar music out of the equation. What you get is a creepy old farm with a big old house and an episode of Criminal Minds.
COME ON NICHOLAS!!!!!!!!!!!