Thursday, March 1, 2012

JJ Heller on a gentle morning with a cup of coffee - peace.

My mother is a pillar of strength. Everyday her joy and faith in the Lord pours out of her - even from 3,000 miles away she is a great source of encouragement for me. I am a bundle of nerves and anxieties and emotions that fly at rapid speed...ask anyone who knows me. In just one day I can experience eye-crinkling happiness, and then an hour later be worried or stressed. Some probably call this bi-polar, but WHATEVER! I call it being passionate. That sounds so much better, doesn't it?

The thing is, I need to take a page out of my mother's book. I'm sitting here and it's March 1st. Today Chanelle and I start our move to another apartment and as I sit here, drinking my Dunkin' Donuts coffee and enjoying the familiar taste that reminds me of home, listening to JJ Heller and the soothing sweetness of her voice, I am feeling p e a c e. 

I'm not foolish enough to believe I will feel this peace every single moment of every single day. Anyone who tells you they are constantly peaceful is a liar, I'm sure of it. But I hold to this peace and this wonder at God because I know it is true. 

James 1:17
17  Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.[a]

Every sweet and beautiful thing in this world is from God. I believe this with every fiber in my body. Why is it so easy for us to fall into sin and temptation? What is absolutely mind-blowing about God is His grace and His mercies. I know...I don't deserve any of it. None of us do and yet there it is - the strange, terrifying, amazing gift of the cross. 

Lord I am ashamed. I am ashamed for all the times I doubt You. And yet, there You are. It's like this whole moving situation. I was panicked, I was nervous...I knew it was going to be hard to find an apartment on our own, especially in LA when everything is so pricey. And then BAM! God provided a girl with an awesome apartment in a beautiful location who needed roommates. And she loves the Lord and goes to Chanelle and my church. I sit here and I am just amazed!

I also think of my job situation. I spent the first several months here in LA nearly falling into a sort of depression. I was not prepared for the total identity crisis I would have that came with being unemployed, and then working a part-time job I really didn't care for. I was looking and searching for my identity in my job instead of as a daughter of God. Eventually I just had to let it go. I prayed and prayed and struggled and was really confused. And then the minute I let it go and and realized, It just doesn't matter, God completely blind-sided me. I got a job at Paramount Studios. PARAMOUNT STUDIOS. I'm not saying God gives us everything we want, or a life with God means we'll get stuff. NO. I just mean....we can't freak out. We can't stress. We have to know God has a plan. And with this amazing, wonderful, ridiculously fun job, I have to know it could be gone at any second. And I can't find my identity in it either. I am so grateful every single day that I get to go to work at a real movie studio. I get to walk by film shoots, I get to see free movies, I get to be in an environment I love. What a blessing, a deep and real joy. 

I am learning so much. I am taking classes, going to casting workshops, trying my best to stay busy. But throughout all of that, I need to remain strong in my faith and know that I can't let this Hollywood business break me. Because it is all is meaningless. What I must focus on is how I can glorify God in my work and through my passions and talents. If I wake up every single day and follow God and do what I love, then everything will fall into place. If I love writing, I must write everyday. If I love acting, I must work on that constantly. And finally, I LOVE the Lord....every day I must strive to grow closer to Him. 

I encourage anyone who's reading this. Even if you don't believe in God, or if you do, WHOEVER YOU ARE. Don't find your worth in what you do or the things of this world. If we do that we will be hurt and disappointed every single day. Just know there is something more...there has to be something more. 

"You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light."
Only Love Remains, JJ Heller

1 comment:

  1. Those are my favorite JJ Heller lyrics. You are lovely. Thank you for blessing others through your beautiful blog.