Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I am pretty much afraid of everything.

I am afraid of so much. Like, when I was little I was afraid of butterflies. Butterflies, people! What little girl is afraid of butterflies? This one! I actually remember crying and not leaving my screened-in porch because there was a butterfly stuck in some mud. I was afraid of a poor dying, decrepit butterfly wallowing in the rain and mud. 

Talk about NEUROSIS. Larry David, you got nothing on me. 

Lately I've been kinda meditating on what it means to be brave and not just as a "feeling" ... to literally wake up each morning and have genuine courage. Sometimes this courage comes in different forms....it could simply be the courage to not be weighed down by anxiety and stress during the day. Or courage to have genuine relationships with those around me. I think a lot of us are afraid of slowing down and resting in the present moment. I was just talking to my dear friend Giselle about this. Do you guys know Giselle? If you don't you should because she is da bomb. Anyway, after work the other day we got coffee together and we talked about how it is scary to be vulnerable and intentional with people. It is so easy to coast by on a surface level, but to actually get to know someone? To be there for someone? It's kind of terrifying.

That is my prayer this week. To be intentional with my friendships and relationships. Sometimes I get homesick and I'll just randomly text a few friends with a vague, "Miss you!! Thinking of you!" But that is not enough. What I should do is pick one friend I miss and call them. Write them a letter. Ask them how they are...ask them to meet up for coffee or have a Skype date. To actually live life with them.

This past week my best friend since I was fifteen, Laura, came to Los Angeles to visit. March has been full of people visiting and I am so full of joy and feel so loved...and exhausted. But with each visit I realized how much I just miss living life with people who love me.

I don't have to try when I'm around Laura, the same way I don't have to try around my sisters...it's easy. It's simple. I love that. I am so grateful for her friendship and her encouragement and just who she is. Friendships like that make me want to be real with people. All the time, not just some of the time.

God is stretching me this month. I am learning to let go of anxiety and worry and finding my identity in anything that is not Christ. Love this quote, it was in my morning devotional:

So true. Love it. 

This was a short post but I am so tired and not having internet in my apartment makes it difficult to blog. But I am going to try more because I love blogging OKAY?! I'm gonna go eat some brownies I made. By the way, not having internet has helped me be freakishly productive. And do weird things like bake and clean and light candles and pretty soon I'll probably want a baby or something, JUST KIDDING OR AM I NOW I DON'T KNOW.

Cozy. And if there's one thing I am, it's definitely cozy.

1 comment:

  1. I can definitely relate to this right now! It's so easy to put up barriers and try to project this particular image of ourselves, when the truth is that's not what a genuine relationship is. My therapist once brought this up a couple of weeks ago, but she said something along the lines of "If I don't want my friends to be perfect, why should I expect the same thing for myself?" Thank you for the encouragement!!