Sunday, February 26, 2012

what i need to remember

I need to remember....

I need to remember that comparison is the thief of joy. In a world where status is everything, where a beautiful room can spurn out jealousy I thought I've hidden, where a beautiful girl can make me avoid mirrors for days, in a world where loans and finances and car payments and rent money are constant fixtures in my anxiety, I need to remember the good and the real. 

The good

The sound of Ariel's voice in Little Mermaid. How the singing can transport me to being with my family in Philadelphia, with my little sisters and laughing and running in the snow and falling down and laughing so hard we can't catch our breath. 

The real - 

Eternity is so much longer than the fleeting moment that is life here on Earth. Life here isn't going to be easy. God never promised us an easy life. At the end of mine, when my Savior calls me home, I'm not going to care about whether I had new furniture or not. I'm not going to care about how many people follow me on twitter, whether people think I'm funny, whether I ever fall in love or not. It is easy to become consumed with the stuff of life; to want want want. To want nice things, to want to be "important" - it is so easy to forget what Jesus did for me. That I already have all that can satisfy my soul. 

The good - 

Latte art and the quiet, calm of being in a bustling cafe. The joy of being one person in one room with other people who I don't know. The blessing it is to be able to enjoy a cup of coffee, to really sit down and smell it and taste it and feel the effects of it - the cozy happiness that just makes me feel good. 

The real - 

I am not alone. We are not alone. Even though sometimes it feels like we are, even though there are moments of loneliness, it is one of the greatest lies in the world. And it's so easy to just say, "Oh, I know God is with me. He's with me all the time." But to actually believe it? That's another thing. Why is it so easy to be bogged down with insecurities but so hard to believe in truth?

The good - 

Laughter with friends. The dizzy, silly feeling of laughing so hard your head starts spinning and you forget where you are. The deep belly-ache of laughing, that moment when everything just becomes funny and you have no idea why. 

The real - 

Sometimes, like today for me, you find yourself sitting alone in the middle of lunch rush hour in Paquito Mas and bawling your eyes out as you're on the phone with your mom. Sometimes you have these moments and you're just thinking, "How did I get here?" But you have to let them go. I have to let them go and know that it's okay and sometimes it happens. I'm in such a weird place in my life right now - have you ever gotten into that season of life where you crave being younger? The other night I had a strange dream that I hugged my 5 year old self. It was the weirdest and sweetest dream.

I looked at my five year old self and it was bittersweet - I felt like I was looking at a stranger. Like I didn't know who that little girl was anymore. Do you ever feel like sometimes you just don't know yourself anymore? This is something I've been wrestling with the past few months. It's so weird when you feel like a stranger to yourself.

The good - 

A smile from a little baby in passing. The fleeting butterflies and heart-melting that go along with just walking down the street and meeting the eyes of a little baby slung across their mother's shoulder, and the little baby just giving you the biggest smile. I love these moments. Babies are really good at loving naturally and freely. Let's love like babies.

On that note, Happy Sunday.

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  1. Oh my gosh Nina I'm reading this as I'm sitting at my desk and the students are watching a movie and my eyes are filling with tears! They're gonna think I'm a freak!

    I love your posts.