When I used to imagine myself hitting rock bottom, I imagined it to be something artistic and indie-movie-esque. I'm going to glaze over the fact that yes, I have thought about myself hitting rock bottom because if you haven't pictured yourself one day just losing your mind, you are a liar. So when I think of the montage of my life and get to the part right before I meet the man of my dreams and fall in love, the part where I hit rock bottom, I like to think of it as something along the lines of me holed up in a my exposed brick studio apartment, wearing a long T-shirt and no pants, my hair messy but still attractive, smudged black eyeliner and drinking coffee while staring out my window, wondering where my life is going. Kinda the way Shannyn Sossamon looks in 'Wristercutters: A Love Story.' Edgy but still totally hot.
This has not and will not happen.
Instead it's more like what I realized last night. There's only so many times a girl can eat Subway alone in her car before she realizes, "Oh my gosh. I've hit rock bottom at 22." Also instead of looking like the beautifully troubled Shannyn, I more closely resemble another woman of near the same name.
Rock bottom. I am more Mary Catherine Gallagher than I probably care to admit.
It didn't help that Oasis was crooning on my radio. It didn't help that Liam Gallagher's whiny voice was penetrating my soul as I devoured my 6 inch toasted turkey/ranch/avocado on wheat. It hit me at once: Is this where I am right now? Seriously? Eating Subway, alone, in my car, blaring Oasis? THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS TO LIFE.
Ahh, I feel the glares now. Of everyone who is older than me and is rolling their eyes at my dramatics. Good thing I don't care at all about what you think and this is my blog and I get to indulge in my dramatics.
But let me finish. After my moment of self-pity, I checked myself. I asked myself, "Am I unhappy right now?" I waited, paused for the prickle of tears that were surely not far behind, but it never came. And I realized I was actually pretty happy. For one, I was eating Subway and if you eat Subway you have to be happy or else you don't have a soul. For another thing, I was sitting in my car. MY CAR!!!!!! Do you know how wonderful it is to have a car? How many blogs did I dedicate months ago to the trials and tribulations of walking everywhere in LA? What a miracle! I have a vehicle. A working, wonderful Nissan that I named Prongs after James Potter's patronus and I love it so much. And then there was Oasis, which actually was probably the only depressing part of the situation but it's so easy to change the radio station.
I'm not like, being a cheerleader for life and all that crap. I'm just saying. Next time you are sitting there thinking, "Ugh, what am I DOING with my life? Why am I still on an air mattress? Why am I single and all my friends be datin'?! Why did Jay-Z and Beyonce name their baby Blue Ivy and not Ivy Blue?" Just take a minute to check yourself. Breathe. And try to understand that there are a thousand miracles in one day and we just have to open our eyes to see them.