It has recently been brought to my attention that me having size 9 feet is peculiar for a girl my height. Apparently, size 9 feet means I have huge canoes attached to my ankles. It's really a pleasant thing to come to realize. But you know what? I say the bigger the better. I may not be a delicate lady, but I have a big heart okay?! OKAY?! That counts for something right?! *cries bitterly*
Anyway I put a little list together of the pros of having size 9 feet. So all you dainty-foot ladies out there just go away no one likes you. Okay, except everyone including me because I wish I was you. But anyway, size 9 feet pride!
Why I Don't Mind Having Canoes Attached To My Ankles
Google image "Canoes attached to ankles." Does that look like me? If so I need to re-evaluate my life.
1. Normal shoes magically transform into clown shoes
This is probably my favorite part of having canoe feet. There I am, minding my own business walking around the mall, munching on my Wetzels Pretzels pretending the calories don't exist when I spot them--wonderfully cool combat boots in the display window. My eyes feel a magnetic pull toward the window and my large feet glide me along the linoleum floor of the Westside Pavilion. It's as if a movie montage button is switched on inside my brain--I see myself absolutely rocking the hell out of those combat boots. Walking along Venice beach in them with a white tank top and cool sunglasses as if I ever wear sunglasses and ever just walk along Venice beach. There I am with a hoodie pulled over my hair all mysterious a la Lisbeth Salander with those combat boots and everyone who passes me is like, "Who's that girl?! She's so cool I bet she's going to go beat somebody up and ride a cool motorcycle." These images flash before my eyes and I know I must make those combat boots mine. The sales lady's eyes narrow as I whisper out, "Nine" when she inquires about my size. She is skeptical but I inwardly laugh - albeit a bit maniacally - because I know this girl is a mere fool. Those combat boots were made for me.
She comes back and hands me the box and I quickly discard the ever annoying stuffed paper in the boot - my heart is beating in wreckless anticipation and I finally put the boots on and...and....
It's like I have magic powers. These sexy black combat boots in the size 6 display case have incredibly transformed into the longest and silliest clown boots in the world. I swallow my disappointment because I know secretly I probably just have magic powers that can transform cute shoes into boats. So really, who has the last laugh now sales lady?!
2. If I ever wanted to make a fortune crushing grapes I could
Silly people with tiny feet. I feel sorry for you because I have the upper hand here! Imagine how many grapes I could crush per minute with the size of my graceful feet. I'd be a grape-crushing machine! This is my master plan. I'm going to start collecting all the grapes in the entire world, that way there is a high demand on grapes. Then, just when the world is freaking out about the lack of grapes and everyone is like, "Where's all the wine? Where's all the raisins and jelly and delicious grapes?! WE NEED GRAPES!" I'm going to sit upon my thrown made out of grapes and throw my head back and laugh....and then CRUSH! My size 9 feet will crush like they've never crushed before and little feet people will glare and cry and I'll just think, Yes. I've won.
That look of glee? That's what's going to be on my face.
3. Rose had big feet so that means I'll eventually fall in love with someone like Jack Dawson, right?
It all comes back to Titanic somehow, doesn't it? But Rose totally has big feet and girlfriend uses them to impress all the third class folk when they're at that awesome freaking party in the lower quarters of the ship. When she's all look, "You big bad boys think you're all tough? Let's see you do this!" And she puffs the cigarette and Jack is all like, "Ooooh damn girl I love ya!" and she's like BAM! I'm like, heck yes.
Are you still with me?
Anyway Kate Winslet made big feet cool in that one moment and all I'm saying is if it was good enough for Jack Dawson it's good enough for me.
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