Saturday, December 24, 2011

there's a lot to shout about

What else is there to do after a terrible night of sleep besides make cinnamon pancakes and blog?


Sufjan's Christmas album is playing, my favorite candle is lit and I am feeling immeasurable peace. 
Can I just say how much I love Sufjan Stevens and his Christmas album? It's magical, there is simply no other way to describe it. Oh Sufjan how I love you! 

My heart was so anxious last night. I woke up at two am, nervous and unsettled and feeling sick. Do you ever wake up feeling like that? It's pretty much the worst. I tried falling back asleep, but it was impossible. This is why I should never stay awake past two AM - ONLINE SHOPPING. 


I may or may not have purchased these boots from Urban at 4am. In my defense, they were on sale. Not in my defense: I do not have much of a guard up at 4am. 

Although I am probably going to regret not sleeping in a few hours, I did decide to brave the early morning cold and see this incredible Christmas Eve sunrise from my rooftop:


Oh Los Angeles, you are still so strange to me. You're like a crush that started off as something fun and new and then turned quickly serious. You're no longer just something I can shrug off--you're becoming more and more of a home everyday and while it is amazing it is so scary. 

I can't believe it's already Christmas Eve. I can't believe my heart is so full, I can't believe how much can change in a year. I know it's completely cliche to reflect during the holidays, but I can't help it. I think back to where I was last Christmas. I had no idea where my life was going (um, I still don't). I had just graduated NYU. I was in a relationship. I saw my life going in a completely different direction--moving to LA hadn't even been a real thought yet, just a faint little knock-knock in the back of my mind. 

I know I sound like a broken record, but I can't express how amazed I am by the Lord!! I know, I KNOW I SAY IT A LOT Y'ALL. But I think back to when Chanelle and I first moved here. I literally had almost nothing. No job, no car, no apartment. Just my faith in the Lord and a little (teeeny) bit of money I'd saved up. It felt less like a leap of faith and more like a blind plummet into the strange unknown. For weeks and weeks upon first moving here I cried everyday. I felt loneliness like I have never experienced. I prayed every single day for community, for peace, for direction. I am just so overwhelmed with love for Jesus Christ. I don't deserve any of the blessings in my life. I am weak, I am a sinner, I am constantly messing up...I think of one of my favorite songs, "Come Thou Fount" and my favorite line - Bind my wandering heart to Thee. 

Yes! Lord, bind my heart to You! Why, oh WHY do I constantly stray away from you? Why am I "prone to wander"? It's so ridiculous. I should be falling on my knees every single day. As I sit here on Christmas Eve morning, I just can't help but feel like crying when I think about the baby Jesus in his manger. Oh that beautiful day!! 

"But as [Joseph] considered these thing, behold an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son, and you shall call Him name Jesus, for He will save His people from sin." Matthew 1:20-21

This gives me chills. For He will save His people from sin. Oh my heart!! One of my favorite lyrics in Relient K's "I Celebrate The Day"

You were born so I might really live. 

This past year has been crazy, but it all comes back to the day I met Jesus Christ. When I was sixteen, unsure of everything, and I sat in a field at nighttime at Lake Saranac and I felt that pull on my heart, like there was something more to life. And I knew in that moment that my life would never be the same. And it hasn't - walking with Jesus is the opposite of boring. It is constantly exciting and scary and terrifying and wonderful. 

Of course, it's not easy. I don't read my bible as much as I want to. I grow impatient, I hurt the ones I love...but I am constantly growing and praying. That is what is so beautiful about the Grace of Jesus. I don't have to be perfect, God wants me just as I am. Goodness. That is the greatest gift of all. I pray that everyone knows this gift. 

Merry Christmas Eve! 




3 comments:

  1. I just want to say that I really enjoy reading about your journey! Merry Christmas!

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  2. I am so glad to hear of your journey to grow closer to God. I am so glad to know that I am not the only struggling, confused, imperfect Christian. Merry Christmas!

    P.S. Those boots are adorable

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