Sunday, December 4, 2011

here's my heart

Lord take and seal it, 
seal it for thy courts above.

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Moods are strange - - I don't know if it is primarily a female thing, but it really amazes me how quickly my entire mood can change. And I'm not talking being cheery one second and snappy the next--I'm talking a shift in my heart. This weekend was so amazing ...lots of laughter and lots of time spent with new friends. I never realize how important it is to have fellowship and community until I've gone a bit without it and then experience it again. So things have been going pretty well here in LA, but then for some reason tonight it hit me--that feeling of homesickness. And I felt so convicted. It is so easy to want to fill my life up with things that temporarily make me feel good. A busy schedule, books, movies, music--anything to fill up my heart and head so I don't have to ask myself the hard questions. But why is it so easy to avoid Jesus in all of this? It makes me sick. Do you ever feel like a fake? That's how I felt tonight. It is so easy to say that I am a Christian but what does that really mean? It is so easy to say I am a woman of Christ, but why then is it a continual struggle to truly understand that my identity is in Christ?

It's like what I wrote about when I first moved here to California, about how hard it was in the very beginning because my old weaknesses about myself came back full throttle--feeling worthless and ugly and all of these mean things. Those things don't matter, nothing should matter except knowing that I am a daughter of the King. 

As I am writing this I am just so in awe of the love of God that it is almost making me cry--why can't I remember this feeling ALL THE TIME? In the midst of work, of walking somewhere, everything? I think of what it means to have child-like faith. To be so deeply in awe of my Savior that He fills my every thought. And I am. Sometimes I think about my life before I began my walk with the Lord. I think back to being sixteen and sometimes I wonder where I would be if the Holy Spirit hadn't moved in my heart and I hadn't given my life to Christ? I am still so amazed how God changed my life and is constantly changing me now and transforming me into the woman He created me to be. 

Oh! Real quickly before I end this strange tangent of a blog post. The other day I was thinking--isn't the kindness of a stranger one of the most beautiful things in the entire world? Last night at work there was an elderly couple that came into eat. The man had trouble walking and used a cane and we didn't have any comfy booths or warm tables left so I had to give them a little table in the front of the restaurant that most people hate. A lot of people complain when I seat them there or say they are leaving if they have to eat there, so I was being very apologetic to them. But as they sat down the man looks at me and gives me the sweetest, most genuine smile and says "This is wonderful, thank you." I literally got tears in my eyes--how embarrassing is that? But I was so moved by the kindness that was just radiating from them. It was such a light. And I knew the seat wasn't ideal, I knew they must have been uncomfortable, but they were so gracious. It just made my heart so ridiculously happy and I love that--I love when I can see Christ in others. It is amazing. Humanity seriously blows my mind. 

I am so in love with God...Lord, it is my prayer that I can remember this in love feeling all day everyday, even when I'm stressed or jealous or angry or happy or sad--that I can remember you are my rock and my foundation. What an amazing, precious gift. 

3 comments:

  1. Nina, I feel you on everything you said. I really liked what you wrote. Today it was very difficult for me to keep God in my heart and on my mind. I was just thinking about this when I got home- how easy it is to forget Him. It when my pain becomes loud enough, I realize I haven't surrendered my thoughts and heart to God, that I've forgotten to over the course of things throughout the day. Anyway, know you have a brother who is experiencing this with you. Lovely prayer, Nina. I will use it :)

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  2. Oh my gosh I feel like we're identical right now! Haha. Reading about the elderly couple at the restaurant brought tears to MY eyes!!!!!! I'm always on the verge of tears, and working in a restaurant where I see a ton of older people, well you can pretty much guess haha. I tear up a lot lol

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  3. Great post. So often we live day to day without including Christ in our thoughts, and actions. This something that I've been learning too. We can't expect to live the Christian life without actively seeking and cultivating our relationship with Him, and yet so often we try. Thanks for the encouragement!

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