Monday, November 7, 2011

in the presence of something truly great

  "At the name of Aslan each one of the children felt something jump in its inside. Edmund felt a sensation of mysterious horror. Peter felt suddenly brave and adventurous. Susan felt as if some delicious smell or some delightful strain of music had just floated by her. And Lucy got the feeling you have when you wake up in the morning and realize that it is the beginning of the holidays or the beginning of summer."

I love this exerpt from the Narnia books. This weekend I was presented with an interesting thought; what does it actually mean to live and to stand in the presence of God? So often (meaning like, every single day) I am consumed with thoughts that all scream ME ME ME. I am worried about work, relationships, my future, finances--so many things. These worries and anxieties can easily consume me until they are all I think about. I noticed it last week--it is easy to fall into patterns of unhealthy thinking. Wishing I had a different life, was somewhere other than the place that I am right now. Then this weekend at Reality LA's Women's Connect, one of the women on the panel said something that sent my mind reeling. She talked about questions she asks herself when she is feeling upset or sad--Why am I here? Why am I a living, breathing human? Why am I on this Earth at all?

These questions melt all the petty worries away. Because when I really think about it, I am here to glorify God. God who is SO much bigger than man. And when I stand in the presence of something so terrifying, so beautiful, so glorious - the worries about myself go away. They don't even matter at all. And it is so much easier to live and to love when I die to myself. Of course, this is extremely difficult. It is in my nature as a person to be self centered and to be thinking of myself. But I couldn't get that image out of my mind ... of God. And the thing is, so many people think of Christianity as a set of rules. A religion and not a relationship. A religion that makes you feel guilty when you do something you think God wouldn't "like." This couldn't be more untrue. It's not about an organized religion. It is about living my life for Jesus Christ and His teachings. Jesus Christ doesn't set me in chains--He frees me. Because I am free from guilt. Because God wants me exactly the way I am. With all my baggage, all my anxieties and worries. No one on this Earth is beyond God's love. And that's where Jesus comes in. Jesus took all of our pain in the ultimate display of love...He died for us. I CANNOT forget the beauty of this. I cannot grow desensitized to what the cross means.

Even though I am so far from everyone I love and my life is so...weird right now, I feel closer to God than I ever have in my life. And I'm not a theologian. I'm not trying to be. I just want to be the best daughter to the King that I can be. And there is freedom in that. It is truly amazing. And everyday I am growing. I still don't read the bible as much as I want to. I still grow stressed and frustrated with people and life. But it is a constant transformation, a constant journey. A journey that I love being on.

I feel like this blog is bipolar. Looking back at my last two posts and then this, they are completely different. But that's okay, right? Sometimes you just want to talk about what's on your mind, and sometimes you need to talk about what is inside of your heart. Thank you to anyone who read this. 


I just love it, okay?! 

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