Saturday, November 19, 2011

if ray lamontagne and glen hansard had a baby, that voice would end all war.

Having a beautiful and supportive family is bittersweet and I am finding that out. My sister Rebecca is home in Philly for Thanksgiving and I wish I could be there more than anything and I simultaneously feel like a spoiled brat for being so homesick. Do you guys ever have those moments, where you're sitting there Starbucks....and you think, "Why in the world am I complaining or whining about anything?"

For instance, the scene:

Starbucks. I am sitting here, feeling sad I can't be home with my family. I'm sitting in a Starbucks on my Mac laptop, with my iPhone plugged in, sipping my coffee and eating my oatmeal feeling sorry for myself. Talk about first world problems. Gross, right? In this moment I am so beyond blessed. How come it is so easy for us to only focus on the things that bother us or the things that aren't exactly "perfect"? 

It's like this past week at church. Tim preached on envy. The thing that was so convicting was the realization that envy stems from unbelief. Unbelief in the goodness of God and the fact that He has the best for each and every one of us. When I am jealous of someone and yearn for their life or what they have, I am dissatisfied with my own life and what God has given me. That is one of the most terrible things I can think of. I am ashamed. And it's funny, because I am so ready to confess and come to God for other things--being stressed, being anxious, even being angry. But envy usually slides under the carpet, marked under "normalcy". But goodness, it is so unhealthy. 

So this week, I practiced feeling grateful in all seasons of my life. I am done lusting after cars. I know, I know. Weird, right? But ever since I moved here and don't have a car, all I see when I walk down the street are CARS!!!! And it's not even like I'm lusting after flashy sports cars. I freaking see a Honda Civic and I'm like OH MY GOSH I WANT YOU SO BADLY! How weird and messed up is that? Okay, well since I probably sufficiently lost most of you now that y'all think I'm a freak, let me continue. 

I should be rejoicing at the fact that I have feet that can carry me where I need to be. That I live in a city with a public bus that can take me where I need to go. You know what's the worst? And I'm going to admit this on here because if I can't be honest on my own blog, well I shouldn't be writing one. I was literally on the bus the other day and my first thought was, "Ugh, I don't belong here. I shouldn't be here." Okay, how WRONG is that? Who the hell am I to think I'm better than anyone on this earth? I was so ashamed after that thought and yet so grateful it came to my attention. Because since then, God has totally changed my heart in so many ways. Which is why lately I've been walking to work and truly enjoying the walk.

How lovely. Walking down this street the other day reminded me of home--the changing leaves and colors stood out vibrantly and I was both less homesick and even more homesick. 

I know it may seem cliche or cheesy to say things like, "Love this season of life right where you are!" but it's the truth. And my continual prayer is for my heart to break for what breaks God's. Because then my life will totally be transformed. I just wonder how radically different my life could be if I awoke every morning completely satisfied in the day God has for me...knowing that is simply enough. 

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand where you're coming from! One minute you're in starbucks smiling and thinking about how life is amazing and that you having nothing to complain about, and then the next minute you're throwing you hands up and flat-out asking, "why?!" I get so frustrated with myself, and very easily so for not giving thanks for every single moment that I have.