Monday, November 28, 2011

i am plagued by awkward feelings (the charming tale of a not-so-charming gal named me)

I feel like my whole life there's been two kinds of girls. Girls who know how to flirt and have this mysterious feminine quality about them. And girls like me:

Who face-in-hole themselves with rappers who peaked in the early 2000's. Ugh, Nelly, I'll always love you!!!!!!!! 

I have always been a girl who gets laughs and not dates. I'm not saying funny girls can't have boyfriends, I'm just saying I have no game whatsoever. The older I get, the more I notice this divide between women. The women who have game and the women (me) who don't. Some girls just got it, yanno? They know how to toss a glance, work a room, get asked on dates. I don't know who teaches them these things, but I think I missed that boat. I was probably too busy playing with my colonial Barbie while other girls were getting lessons on how to be cute. I'm not saying I'm unique here either. I'm writing this to all my homegirls out there who feel like they fall in my category. And I'm sure there's a blog out there somewhere for the girls who fall in the other category. BUT THIS IS MY BLOG AND DAMMIT I'LL WRITE WHAT I WANT TO.

I think what inspired this blog post was not too long ago I found myself in a circle of women and the subject of (SURPRISE) boys was brought up. Or guys I should say because boys sounds a little creepy. And one girl was talking and saying how as women, we know how easy it is to get a guy's attention, and is it bad to flirt? She was saying how easy it is to get a guy to come over to you with just one glance. The other women in the circle seemed to be on her page, but I kept thinking, "Wait...what? Really? So I just have to look at a guy when I'm out and he'll come over?" Because I'm pretty sure my "flirty" glances more closely resemble this:

That's hot? I had no idea!!! This whole time!!

I admire the way some girls are in control of their feminity. I think it's amazing and powerful and really freaking awesome. And it's not that I'm not confident in myself or have any self-esteem My So-Called Life angsty issues going on. It's just I'm really, really not good at it. It's kind of like this one time when my best friend Laura was visiting me in NYC. It was a blistering winter day and we had just feasted on gourmet mac and cheese from S'mac, the most wonderful East Village restaurant. We decided what we needed to do most in that moment was go into the American Girl Doll Store. For me, this was heaven. I never got to go when I was little and I was OBSESSED with Felicity, my colonial American Girl. I have no idea where my obsession with colonial times came from (you can read about it here). But anyway. We were frolicking around the story, happy as two freshly steamed clams when BAM!!! I found it--a full-size Felicity inspired 1776 nightgown. I mean straight up, it was my size and looked like something out of The Patriot. My heartbeat sped up as I glanced wide-eyed at Laura. 

"I want it!" I shouted and being the best friend she was, Laura encouraged me to get it. I didn't buy it, but looking back I think it was one of those things where I had an "A-ha" moment. There are girls who shop at Victoria's Secret for cute pajamas. And there are girls, like me, who stand amongst ten year olds in the American Girl doll store, debating on buying a floor-length cotton nightgown that shows just the right amount of skin via your chin. 

If I were to fall in the other category of women, I'd wanna help girls like myself out. There should be a freaking mentor program or something for all the womanly women to help out awkward girls like me who still read fanfiction and have huge crushes on literary characters. Not even literary leading men--Ron Weasley is obviously hotter than Harry Potter. Ugh. I digress. 

I guess statistically speaking, for every Rose Dawson there's at least five Josie Grossie's. And hey, Josie got to makeout with Michael Vartan on a baseball mound and they probably lived happily ever after, so there's hope, right?


Just for the record, I would have totally voted Josie for prom queen. She's the coolest.


  1. This is awesome!!! And in my opinion, the cooler guys will like girls like you because you're SO FUN! (and I LOVE Felicity and her nightgown! I loved all the American Girl nightgowns!! haha)

  2. Oh my. Where to begin. This post is pure genius. But then again, I always love your posts. One, because you're freaking hilarious and two because I totally relate to them.

    You mine as well superimpose me right next to you up there because I totally would have been gaping in utter awe and wonder at Felicity's nightgown. (She was my absolute favorite, I had her cut out dolls-no, I was not one of the cool girls who got the actual doll, I had to make due with the one dimensional version) but I played with them till they were frayed and read all the books--total book crush on Ben her Father's apprentice, anyways I know, total nerd, right? But now, I digress...

    I love the fact that Josie got her hot man in the's hoping my ending will be similar despite all the non-suavity (is that a word?) that I so effortlessly put forth :))

    And here's me sending you a high five for remaining true to you. Those other girls got nothin on us. haha

  3. I totally agree about Ron Weasley! haha