Wednesday, October 5, 2011

a little taste of home & a thought on dreams

instagram just makes everything cool, huh? jason, chanelle & i enjoying the view from Santa Monica pier.

yesterday evening and last night was a great time. a few friends from home are out here in LA visiting another friend who goes to Pepperdine University, and chanelle & i got to meet up and hang out with them. and my goodness, it seriously felt so good to see people from home! and it's not like college friends or recent acquaintances, which are wonderful too--they were friends i've known for years, people i don't have to try around and can just be me. there were new faces too, THEIR friends from college, and it was just the most wonderful mix of friendship ever. it's always so great to see people coming together from all over but connected through the friendships of people.

anyway, it was so wonderful having a little slice of home come out here. i missed philly humor. and for anyone who is from philly i'm sure you will agree--we defnitely have a specific sense of humor. i think chanelle might be a bit scarred....i hope not.. anyway. seeing my friends from home helped ease some of the homesickness i was dealing with. 

this has been the craziest week. i hope when things settle down i can process it better and write it on here for you guys. i am learning a lot about myself and about trusting in the Lord & remaining faithful, even when things don't look so great.

i've also been at peace with where i am in my life right now. sometimes i get so overwhelmed with thinking about the future, as i'm sure everyone does. i think about my life up until this point and i think, "should i have done something else?" do you guys ever get overwhelmed with these thoughts? sometimes i am so scared that in a few years i'll wake up and think "i missed out on a whole other life."

but then after a moment or two of indulging in this silly anxiety, i remember to breathe and relax and i think i would be even more upset to wake up in a few years and always wonder, "I should have went to Los Angeles." at least, wherever i am one day in life, i can look back on this time and say "well, i tried and i tried with all my heart."

lately, a few things have come up that have made me question being here and possibly returning home or somewhere else. immediately my brain yelled "you would just be giving up Nina! you'd be a quitter." why do we treat ourselves like this? so what if i came home in a month? would that make me a quitter? 

i don't want to come home anytime soon. after all, i've only been out here a month. why are we so hard on ourselves? at church we've been going through ecclesiastes and an extremely challenging but important point came up. it's like, i came out here with my dreams (and my cardigan, duh....okay, couldn't help myself). i came out here with the thought, 'I'M GOING TO MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD!' but that has nothing to do with Jesus. i HAVE to be open to God's plan for me. it probably looks nothing like i expect. why am i really here? i MUST be open to what God wants for me and i must be ready and willing to go wherever He wants me to go.

this is hard for me. all my life i've been told to dream big, to go for the gold, to WIN, to make it, to never stop until i reach the top. i've been told i can do it, i can make it and i'm talented and worthy. but in ecclesiastes the preacher says, okay that's great and everything, but it won't satisfy you. you'll get to the top and you'll always want more. there is a cry for eternity in your heart, and as a human, you'll just keep trying to find it with earthly things.

this was hard for me to hear but so important. especially for where i am right now. i constantly find myself thinking, "when i get a car, my anxiety won't be so bad. as soon as i have an apartment, yes, then i'll be a little happier. as soon as i lose like, ten more pounds, i'll feel so much more confident."

NO. no, no, no. i'll always just want MORE. but when i align my heart to living and loving the way Jesus did and God's will for my life, everything is through a different, clearer lens. this is the lens through which i long to see. my daily prayer is do die to myself everyday i wake up and say, "God, HERE I AM! Use me. Right now Lord, use me!! Pick me!" 

That is so important...and THAT is a dream which I think know will come true. 

No comments:

Post a Comment