Thursday, October 20, 2011

identity crisis

"They say home is where the heart is
I guess I haven't found my home
and we keep driving round in circles
afraid to call this place our own."
oh ingrid i love you

These past two days have been absolutely wonderful and relaxed! In this moment I have peace in my heart! It's completely unwarranted and I'm scared it'll go away, but I am going to rejoice in it! For some crazy, bizarre reason I feel like I am just where I am meant to be. I am trying to remember that God can use me right here where I am. It is so easy to become overwhelmed and to see your life going in different directions; how do I know which path to choose? I don't know. It is important to plan a little for the future, but more I think it is important to fully live right now wherever you are. 

Tonight at community group an awesome point was brought up. It's something I've been struggling with myself. An identity crisis kind of issue. Since I've been here in LA, it's been really hard for me to pick up the phone and call people back home. I don't mean my family--I mean friends. I love and miss them dearly, but so many times I hesitated when dialing their numbers. I didn't want to talk to anyone because what did I have to say?

"Hey, this is Nina. My life kinda sucks right now, I may or may not be homeless, also I don't have a car. Also, I'm just working a part-time job and still haven't done any acting or whatever. I'm really lonely and stuff. How are you?"

Talk about a downer. Why is it that it is so hard to be open and vulnerable with the people that are supposed to love you the most? I have no idea why I am scared to be honest and open with my friends who I know aren't going to judge me. I kept saying in my head, "When I have a real job, then I'll call them and update them. When things are going great, then I'll keep in touch." This is SO backwards. Why do we tell ourselves this? Why do I feel like I'm not worth anything if I don't have a high status? It's sick. It's demented. It's totally pointless. In the end, it's not going to matter WHAT job I had. What's going to matter is how I spent every breath of my life....how I spent my days on this earth. Was it for something greater than myself? If I only serve myself my life will be in vain. 

I am learning everyday to find my identity in Christ which is so much easier said then done. It's hard. I am also praying for God to reveal to me how He wants me to serve. So what if I don't have a lot of money? I can still serve God somehow. I have this yearning in my heart to serve the Lord. To love people, to go out there and DO something. What in the world am I waiting for? Lord, guide me. I need your guidance. Open doors for me. Open my ears to hear You.

I am grateful for these feelings of hope I have right now. So blessed. I am also feeling so cozy lately! It's this rather chilly Los Angeles weather. I want nothing more than to curl up in a blanket with a cup of tea and watch a good movie! I love the fall! Ugh, also, I've completely sucked at blogging lately. My brain just feels so scattered--I have so many thoughts I want to get out but I have no idea how to do so. 

Random: I think it's that time of year for watching YOU'VE GOT MAIL. My favorite fall movie. Oh how I miss NYC so badly!!!! NYC in the fall/winter is my absolute favorite. New York, I love you.

What is your favorite fall movie?

1 comment:

  1. I definitely know how you feel; during my freshman year of college, and even a couple of weeks into this year, my pride was constantly getting in the way of wanting to be honest. I didn't want to admit that being in a new place, a new situation was an adjustment and at times, really frustrating and difficult.

    But once I did start to talk openly, I can truthfully say that I felt a lot better than I did trying to constantly be strong and hold myself together. Just having them know what was going on was enough for me.

    blessings,
    Alyx

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