Saturday, October 29, 2011

Things I look really bad doing but wish I didn't.

1. Carrying laundry
 I'm usually a pretty normal kinda girl. No klutzy habits, pretty steady on my feet (blame it on my solid Puerto Rican frame.....awesome). But I realized today that as I carried my laundry up and down from my apartment I probably resembled this:

minus the crown and awesome freaking staff. 

I seriously probably scared off all my neighbors and surrounding passerby. Not to say the Hunchback of Notre Dame here is scary, but come on, let's all agree a bit alarming. 

2. Tying a tie
Ugh this one's the WORST!!
First of all, I'm a girl and I'm all for breaking gender norms or whatever, but I just look like an idiot whenever I tie my tie. And I'm usually in public which is even more awful. Instead of looking like this: 

I look like this:

I turn from normal gal just enjoying the comfy seat at the mall to people giving me side-glances, probably wondering if I'm okay. This is what I get for working in a restaurant and dressing like a man.

3. Doing my hair
I'm sure some women look sexy when they do their hair or whatever. Those women probably don't have an afro they need to tame. Those women probably don't take forty-five minutes to blow-dry their hair and THOSE women probably don't work up a sweat primping. CURSE YOU PUERTO RICAN AND ITALIAN GENES. Seriously, I have one crazy thick head of curly hair. My hair is going to take over the world one day, I'm almost positive. It's impossible to feel sexy when I do my hair. In my head I look like this:
But I really look like this:

I don't understand it either and I never want to.

3. Eating
I wish I ate like a girl. It's so embarrassing. I eat at a rapid speed. If I were to have a superhero power, it would definitely be super-speed-eating. I try all the tricks. Counting to twenty in between bites. Chewing slowly. Actually chewing instead of inhaling. But it never works. It's like I can't even control it. It's awful. I give so many props to women who eat nicely. I'm trying to get better. It's hard.

exactly. lay off me. i'm starving.

I feel like this list is going to grow. I will keep you updated.

the coolest band names

Ever heard of any of these bands? Probably not. They're so indie they don't even exist. 

google image: "say what!" ..... 

Exactly. Say what?! They don't exist? I know, it's crazy! Names this cool NEED to have a band with a muffled, scratchy singing voice, website with hand-drawn font & house shows!

Oh also, I made them up. Actually, whenever I think of a too-cool-to-exist band name, I write it down. Pretty soon I'm going to be sitting on a manuscript of the greatest, most hipster band names ever and when all the hipsters of the world lose every creative brain cell they have, they'll come after me and I'll sell the manuscript for a pile of gold. This is my master plan.

Banjo Grandpa* (bluegrass hipster)
Little Spoon (sensitive guy band)
The Jealous Fetus (band dresses in nude unitards)
King Sized Bunk Beds* (summer camp band)
The Semi Colons (band made of musicians with partial colons)
Hate On Hufflepuffs (band made of me, hating on Hufflepuffs and cursing the day Pottermore sorted me there)
Colonial Barbie (band wears bonnets)
Las Vacas Huevos (grammatically incorrect Spanish cow eggs band)
The Entitlement Boys (band of liberal arts grads, also girls cuz that's extra ironic)
Latte Art (coffee house band)
The Cat's Pajamas* (band of cats wearing pajamas)
Between the Lines (all lyrics must be read between the lines....literally, standing between lines)
Driving Studs (band of actual stud earrings that drive)

*created with another genius brain

Are you guys excited to see these bands on tour!?
Me too.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

if you should have a bad day

I am so sad! I posted this last night, made some edits, then went back and it was GONE! Blogger, you've never done that to me before! I lost it! And stupid me, I thought blogging it would be safer than having it in a document because my computer always crashes. Ugh. So luckily I had written half of it in my journal and the other half I just kind of tried to remember. It's different from the original, probably not as good, but whatever. It's just a poem. I'm so bummed though! Anyway, it's just a draft but I'm hoping to work on it a little more.

* * * 

If you should have an awful bad day, don't let the world turn you bitter and mean
remember the moments when your heart was full and you felt alive and unseen.
If your day is one of those where you feel lonely and unnoticed,
take a picture of a flower
sing loudly and own it.
Wait for the kettle to whistle and bake from scratch,
or if you suck at baking like I do find a lone wall and play catch.
Let your feet hit the pavement without the burden of technology,
go to a music store sit down at a piano and pretend that you're a prodigy.
Watch a movie in black and white and let your soul be taken somewhere,
Unplug the computer, draw the blinds, walk around in your favorite underwear. 
If your day was just gray and you feel like nobody gets you
know there's a thousand others feeling that way, self pity won't help you.
Understand time is fleeting and ebbs through unfair,
it is the opposite of understanding
so maybe cut your hair
dye the tips blue like you've always wanted to do
go running in the wind
forget lies that are untrue.
Sit down with a friend, don't speak just be silent
let them know your friendship's more than words, it's concrete and reliant.
Go back to an old book you've long left neglected
write a letter to somebody and let yourself be affected.
Shed the layers of insecurity and sing at cheap weeknight karaoke,
belt out a song that makes you feel and don't hesitate when your love says hold me.
Cook a meal with a friend and sit down to enjoy it,
write someone a poem and afterward don't destroy it.
Lay under the night sky and let yourself feel small,
if you have a terrible day and you've no one to call,
just breathe in mercies and Grace and look to the sky,
and try to understand what it means to be in this life alive.
Color the bottoms of your shoes with the wax from crayons,
then go slide down a hill don't be ashamed but quite proud.
Learn how to fishbraid and teach it to your little sister,
be patient when she messes up, tell your mother you miss her.
Forgive those that hurt you and know it's okay not to need them,
Forgiveness is hard but in it there's freedom.
Smile at a stranger and try not to feel cheesy,
cheese is good so don't worry and smiling's quite easy.
If your day leaves you feeling like you are angry at life,
take the keys out of your pocket and go driving through the night.
Remember the way it felt to be five and run free,
the way you scraped your skin and fearlessly climbed trees.
Walk into the pet store and hold in your hand a little hearbeat,
feel the companionship of a puppy or kitten and allow it to be sweet.
If your day is just terrible feel the blessing of being you
If you're chained to your past you can be transformed and made new.
You are not deadlines and papers and ties and desks,
You are not recipes and pretty clothing and home-made cards from guests.
You are not the glares and clipped tones that are thrown your way
You are not the things you wish you would have known to say,
You are not invitations and revelations and how many people are around you,
You are not the loud noise and the pain that always seems to surround you,
You are not invincible and your breath could easily shift,
You were meant to love and be loved,
and even bad days can be gifts.

this song makes me so happy!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

these things help me remember home

music helps me remember home
the way a blanket wrapped around my twelve year old shoulders
and my door closed meant i could travel away alone.

gray days call for sweaters and a warm drink
turning pages of chapters and being comforted by their ink
free from the way my now anxious mind is programmed to think
i blame it on my student loans.

i could be happy forever inside the smell of a book
or prop my feet up in a hammock and close my eyes as the wind shook
every worry and lie the enemy wants me to believe
and carried them away so there's room for love and grace to be received.

golden crisp leaves help me remember home
scarves warm our necks and the fire lights the room
there's the sound of the marching band drifting through the night
and our little sisters' and brothers' tiny laughter and delight
and i'd like to freeze and stop this moment and put it somewhere safe
for the darker not so clear days when i need something to help make
me feel and remember there are people who love me 
and even though i'm not with them their love is all around and above me. 
and i'll use their love as a shield for the meanness of the world
it will help me be brave for the moments i feel everything start to unfurl.

i wish everyone could be like a cat
sleepy and cuddly and sweet 
the kittens that were living under that house we stayed in once,
they help me remember home.

pictures of my sisters and i from halloween help me remember home

Saturday, October 22, 2011

finally-- a place to call home

God is so good! I am sitting in my new apartment and I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it is to finally have our own place. I just feel beyond blessed. It's funny how God reveals Himself in just the right timing--we literally found this studio apartment at the last minute and the location couldn't be better. It's literally a 7 minute ride from my work, there is a running path nearby, a cozy coffee shop, easy access to highways. It is literally wonderful. I keep thinking back to all of our other housing plans that fell through and how each time I got discouraged and upset. But then I'm sitting here and if we had taken those places, we wouldn't have found something so perfect for us. And the girl who was here before us sold us a really nice glass table/chairs and couch for cheap, AND left us an adorable floor length lamp. And for a studio it's really spacious and has two closets. I am so excited to decorate!! Chanelle and I are going to go to the ever wonderful Melrose Trading Post and try to find some cool bowls/cups/odds and ends we need. Yes, we don't have any bowls. I ate my cereal out of a pot this morning...but hey, it works!!

I never thought I'd like decorating as much as I do and I blame Pinterest for that. Literally, I'm obsessed with that site! And I am realizing that I can still make my space cute with a super tight budget. I like taking ideas from the pinterest boards & thinking of ways to do it for really cheap. I think my first project is going to be the couch. It's a ncie couch, but the cushions are a little beat so I am wondering how to spruce it up. Any DIY ideas for a leatherish couch? 

I think it's amazing how in life one minute everything can be going horribly and the very next it is okay. Just last week I wasn't even sure if I was going to be staying in LA. We didn't have a place to live, I was super stressed and missing home and just confused. And then BAM--we found this apartment. It's like God was saying just hold on a little longer. I don't know what God has planned for me out here, but I know until at least March 15 (when the lease is up) I will be here in California. I love the excitement and adventure. I am open to wherever God is going to take me. 

I will leave you all with this adorable picture of the kittens that lived under the house we were house-sitting a few weeks ago. That awesome hipster house...I miss it. Oddly enough it felt like home. Doesn't your heart just melt? I wanted it so badly!!! I can't wait to get a kitten. I have decided that when I can finally afford it, I am going to buy a kitten. I miss my cat so much. I didn't realize how much it meant to have my cat curled up beside me in bed every night and just that companionship. I really miss having a cat to cuddle with! So I am excited for the day when I can get a kitten.

Today, I am happy guys. It is a good feeling. I pray that all of you who read this may have peace no matter where you are right now. Whether your life is turbulent right now or whether you are unsatisfied or whether you are full of joy. I just pray for peace that you know you are exactly where you are meant to be in this moment.

I love this. I love story people. Does anyone else love story people or know what it is? I want to order one and hang it on the wall. Love it!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

identity crisis

"They say home is where the heart is
I guess I haven't found my home
and we keep driving round in circles
afraid to call this place our own."
oh ingrid i love you

These past two days have been absolutely wonderful and relaxed! In this moment I have peace in my heart! It's completely unwarranted and I'm scared it'll go away, but I am going to rejoice in it! For some crazy, bizarre reason I feel like I am just where I am meant to be. I am trying to remember that God can use me right here where I am. It is so easy to become overwhelmed and to see your life going in different directions; how do I know which path to choose? I don't know. It is important to plan a little for the future, but more I think it is important to fully live right now wherever you are. 

Tonight at community group an awesome point was brought up. It's something I've been struggling with myself. An identity crisis kind of issue. Since I've been here in LA, it's been really hard for me to pick up the phone and call people back home. I don't mean my family--I mean friends. I love and miss them dearly, but so many times I hesitated when dialing their numbers. I didn't want to talk to anyone because what did I have to say?

"Hey, this is Nina. My life kinda sucks right now, I may or may not be homeless, also I don't have a car. Also, I'm just working a part-time job and still haven't done any acting or whatever. I'm really lonely and stuff. How are you?"

Talk about a downer. Why is it that it is so hard to be open and vulnerable with the people that are supposed to love you the most? I have no idea why I am scared to be honest and open with my friends who I know aren't going to judge me. I kept saying in my head, "When I have a real job, then I'll call them and update them. When things are going great, then I'll keep in touch." This is SO backwards. Why do we tell ourselves this? Why do I feel like I'm not worth anything if I don't have a high status? It's sick. It's demented. It's totally pointless. In the end, it's not going to matter WHAT job I had. What's going to matter is how I spent every breath of my I spent my days on this earth. Was it for something greater than myself? If I only serve myself my life will be in vain. 

I am learning everyday to find my identity in Christ which is so much easier said then done. It's hard. I am also praying for God to reveal to me how He wants me to serve. So what if I don't have a lot of money? I can still serve God somehow. I have this yearning in my heart to serve the Lord. To love people, to go out there and DO something. What in the world am I waiting for? Lord, guide me. I need your guidance. Open doors for me. Open my ears to hear You.

I am grateful for these feelings of hope I have right now. So blessed. I am also feeling so cozy lately! It's this rather chilly Los Angeles weather. I want nothing more than to curl up in a blanket with a cup of tea and watch a good movie! I love the fall! Ugh, also, I've completely sucked at blogging lately. My brain just feels so scattered--I have so many thoughts I want to get out but I have no idea how to do so. 

Random: I think it's that time of year for watching YOU'VE GOT MAIL. My favorite fall movie. Oh how I miss NYC so badly!!!! NYC in the fall/winter is my absolute favorite. New York, I love you.

What is your favorite fall movie?

Monday, October 17, 2011

You are true, You are true, even in my wandering--

I cannot begin to express how much of a blessing Reality LA has been to me since I have begun this crazy adventure and journey of starting completely over in LA. It's like every single week Tim speaks directly to what I am going through and feeling. Reality LA is a refreshing church--it's honest and real and sometimes hard to recieve but in that good 'I'm really being challenged in my faith' way. 

After the service yesterday I felt so light. God completely took away my anxiety and nerves and once again, I am in awe of the Creator of the Universe. I am also feeling convicted. How often do we feel as if in this life, we deserve good things when we work hard? How many times since I've been here have bitter thoughts gone through my head, have I looked around and thought, "It's not fair I don't have a car. It's not fair I can't get a proper job--I graduated college for goodness sake! It's just NOT FAIR." These thoughts are SO ugly and so polluted. I was reminded yesterday that my own LIFE is a's not even my own. The breath I take, the body I have--it's God's creation. So what I don't have a car? I don't deserve one anyway. If we begin to live our life as "gift-based" we will glorify the Lord, rather than living a life that is achievment based. I love this idea. It helps me to remember to never cling to material things. It can all be gone in an instant--that is why it is just a gift. These clothes? They are gifts, they aren't mine and I can't turn them into idols. The meals I ate? So many people in the world would KILL to eat a portion of the food I eat. It is a precious gift I must rejoice for. 

This is so hard for me to understand. The world is constantly telling us to get that higher degree, get that better job, get that perfect romantic relationship--GET GET GET. Why is it so hard to open our hearts to receive God's blessings? We preoccupy our minds and set our hearts on earthly gain. We're going through Ecclesiastes in church and oh my GOSH it is so legit. It's interesting. When we die, we literally can take NOTHING with us. When we set our mind on earthly achievment, living this life solely to be remembered, to have a legacy, to get STUFF, we are missing the point so much. That is why I am convinced Jesus is the Son of God. This is why I know. Jesus offers us an eternal gift--actually, He's already given it to us! Yet we so easily turn away from Him. And the beautiful thing about Jesus? He's there for everyone. EVERYONE. Not just white people, not just rich, not just poor--every single person on this earth. And we don't have to work for Him. There is Grace. It still amazes me everyday.

I loved when Tim brought up yesterday that so many people think others use Christianity as merely a crutch. This is a point that has been on my heart recently, but I could never articulate it as well as Tim did yesterday. The thing is, it IS a crutch--it is us acknowledging that, Okay. I can't DO this on my own. This life thing. I NEED God in my life, I NEED Jesus. It is no longer about ME. I am handing everything over to the Lord. 

I think why I am going through all of this and processing this on my blog is because this has been one of the hardest months I've ever experienced. I have had so much worry and anxiety that my chest literally hurt for the last two days. A throbbing, angry feeling that made it hard to breathe and bend down. I've been so bogged down with stress and fear that I have overlooked the blessings and gifts in my life right now. My prayer is that God can use me right where I am--no matter my situation. So what if I don't have a car or more "things"--they are pointless. So what if I don't have my dream job. Jesus was a carpenter. Manual labor. The son of God came down to earth and was a carpenter. Talk about humbling. 

Right now I feel excitement inside of me. I feel this freedom in everyday waking up and saying, "God, what do you have for me today?" Each day walking with Jesus is truly enough. And it is the best gift of all. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

the why

The why questions in life always trip me up but are always incredibly important to ask myself. Everyday I spend here I feel like I'm faced with new challenges that I just have to deal with, yesterday being one of those days. I learned yesterday that the question of why is one of the vital questions I need to be asking myself every single day I'm here in Los Angeles, a question I cannot forget the answer to. Yesterday was a long and emotinally draining day. I woke up with the hopes of going to find a car to lease. The issue of the car is this annoying monster that continually lurks in the shadows. So. Annoying. I miss New York City for a variety of reasons and one of those is definitely the amazing public transportation and how unnecessary owning a car is. 

LA is not very similar. I'm using Chanelle's car, but it's completely falling apart thanks to the crazy lady who sold it to her so that is a whole other issue.

Do you ever get into a situation and realize you are way in over your head, naive and you just feel straight up stupid? That's exactly how I felt yesterday. Plus, care salesmen are SO persuasive that I actually felt sick and guilty when at the end of my meeting I had to tell him that it just wasn't going to work out. There is no way I can afford to lease a car with my tiny salary at the restaurant, we don't even have an apartment yet, and I really do NOT want my mom to cosign anything. The guy who was so nice and helpful in the beginning suddenly became quite short with me and I had to realize the importance in saying NO, and nothing is wrong with saying that. 

Which brings me to the point of 'why.' Yesterday, in the midst of all this mental breakdown hooplah after  realizing it was impossible for me to lease/finance a car, I sat in a Burger King with Chanelle down the street, bawling my eyes out to my mom on the phone. I had another decision to make. I had to turn down a really well-paying nannying job that screamed financial security. Oh, how alluring it was! How badly I had diluted myself into the pros of taking the job. All I could see were the dollar signs. I have never been someone to lust after money, but in that moment I knew the appeal. I felt the pull in my chest toward taking a job I knew I wasn't made for simply to pay the bills, to begin to lead a comfortable life.

As I was on the phone with my mom I knew I had to turn it down. 

"Nina, you aren't out there to be a full-time nanny. Remember why you are there."

Ugh, I knew it. I knew I couldn't take the job--a job which wasn't flexible and required a ton of committment and responsibility. It was 12 hour days during the week and while the pay would be amazing, I would have absolutely no time for anything else. I would have to cut back on my current job at the restaurant, and even though the pay isn't great, I genuinely love it there. I love being around people my age, I love interacting with others, love making connections and just laughing. While hanging out with a 3 month old all day has its perks, it's not like I could call the baby up on my off day and ask to hang out. 

I turned down the job and felt immediately lighter and immediately like I had learned something. I can't worry about money as much as I am. It is a realistic concern, but I can't let it dominate my life. I was ready to be locked into something I knew I shouldn't be in. I SO want to drive a good car and I knew if I had taken that nanny job, it would have been possible. But why am I here?

I usually get to work super early because I still can't judge LA traffic so I leave about two hours before my shift starts. I like this time because my work is right by a really nice mall with a Barnes & Noble. I've started reading Steve Martin's autobiography, "Born Standing Up." It is amazing, funny, honest and moving. As I read page after page, I realize again and again why I'm here. I moved here to strengthen my writing and performing skills. I'm not here to become a fulltime nanny. I'm here to rough it at little jobs that I can easily leave if I need to, here to rough it through public transportation, here to rough it in tiny rooms and air mattresses, here to grow in my faith and follow the plan God has for me. And all this "roughing it" really isn't roughing it in the universal sense, so I'm all good anyway. It's roughing it to my prior comfortable life, but I have a roof over my head. I have food in my stomach. I have family and friends and unending support. I have unfailing love from the Creator of the Universe. Actually, I'd consider myself pretty rich. 

So the why questions. I think we all need to be asking ourselves these little buggers. I think we'll surprise ourselves when we realize we've known the answers all along.

Friday, October 7, 2011

home is less of a word more of a feeling

Ah yes, the update post. I can't even think right now. This month has been one of the craziest months of my life! I am legitimately living the life of a nomad and it's bizarre! I'm gonna break this up into 3 parts.

Part 1: Crazy Chicken & Pretty People
When Chanelle and I first landed we were going to stay in Malibu for a short time through some random connection. Malibu is absolutely gorgeous and I can't tell you enough how out of place I felt. Eventually I learned to love it, but it was SO weird the first day. I was completely out of my element (I still am)...we had a crazy month in Malibu. We were staying in the hills, so there was literally a horse at the house we were staying, and lots of ranches and just breathaking landscapes. Gosh, it really was one of the most gorgeous places I've ever seen. But it was weird, because we knew our stay would only be temporary, so I didn't want to get too attached. I didn't want to REALLY love my morning runs on the beach, or the drive, or that view out of our window because I knew I didn't really belong there. Chanelle and I had some fun times in the hills of Malibu. We frequented El Pollo Loco, our favorite Mexican fast-food joint. Everyone was SO nice there!! And the food was delicioso!! Also, Winner's Pizza. One night Chanelle and I were CRAVING pizza...since our diet mostly consists of cereal and peanutbutter sandwiches. So we googled great pizza places in Malibu and Winner's came up with rave reviews. Plus side? Every boy there was super cute. Good-looking guys and pizza? Two of my favorite things.

Then there was also the sex-crazed dogs that lived at the house we were staying. Yuck. If I had to see them going at it one more time, I was gonna dropkick that creepy freak. I'm sorry. Dogs are cute and all, but not when they constantly do it (or rather, one aggressively mounts the other innocent party). Oh those crazy muts.

What I will always love most about our time staying in Malibu was the runs on the beach. They always gave my heart so much peace. If I closed my eyes, it felt like I was running at home and that would always make me sad. Gosh, I miss home. 

Part 2: Hipster House
So, eventually we needed to leave Malibu because the people were actually going to rent the place out. We had no idea where we were going to go. Our apartment plans fell through, and I have to say those were some of the most stressful days I've experienced here so far. It was scary not knowing where we were going to stay. I have never craved stability more in those few days of not knowing. It was also a huge slap in the face for me faith-wise; I should have had a stronger trust in the Lord. But I faltered and stumbled and questioned and in the end, it made me closer to God. But at the same time I am not proud of how I doubted. But God is SO good and provided us with the best situation. A guy in our small group was house-sitting, but said we could stay there and basically house-sit for him. It was amazing to have a house to ourselves, to be able to do laundry!!! I was so excited about the laundry part, I'm such a nerd. In Malibu, we couldn't really do laundry, so I'd been hand-washing my stuff. I forgot how amazing of a luxury it is to have access to a washer and dryer!!! Also a TV! And the hipster house had an awsome record player and was decorated so quirky and awesome. That hipster house felt more like home than Malibu. I'm going to miss it. It's weird that the owners have no idea who Chanelle and I are. 

Part 3: Hotel Living: how many small shampoos can we smuggle out?
And now we are staying in a hotel for two weeks. It is so weird living out of my suitcase, but it also makes me realize how little I actually need. I like that the simplicity, but it's hard for me. I want to say I like adventure, which I do, but my heart yearns for a place to call home. I am so grateful we have a roof over our heads, but I cannot WAIT to finally get an apartment. We are looking and praying. We have two weeks. No idea what will happen after those two weeks, but I'm not going to worry about that. I am taking one day at a time. 

I wish I could write about every crazy thing that has happened to us here but I really do feel like I'm in too strange a place to be good at writing right now. You ever just feel so tired and a little lost that you just literally want to sit and zone out? That's what I feel right now. I don't feel creative, I don't feel especially sad or happy. I just feel....there. You know? It's weird. 

Anyways, I wanted to give a little update about where I am basically. Where my heart is. There's a lot going on inside of me right now. I'm missing my mom and sisters more than I can say. I didn't think it was going to be this hard, but I guess I should have known. I think why I am missing them a lot is because they ARE my home. When I think of being somewhere safe and cozy, I think of them too. That's hard. But I'm so glad I'm out here...and I am excited to see where God takes me next. I'm open to anything. I am learning to trust and be free. Anyway, I'm off to bed. Long day, longer tomorrow. 


Thursday, October 6, 2011

why modern family is ruining my life

I blame it all on Phil Dunphy. See, I was never on the Modern Family bandwagon. I am a hardcore NBC lover. Parks and Recreation & Community are two of my all-time favorite television shows, and let's be honest, I've probably consumed way too much television in my mere 22 years of existence. I love just about everything on NBC's Thursday night lineup. From 30 Rock to the still great The Office. I just always looked at Modern Family as that show. That random ABC fluke that everyone liked but I just turned my nose to. As if ABC could actually make something on par with the wits of Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling, Amy Poehler, Joel Mchale, Chevy Chase, ALEC FREAKING BALDWIN. Yeah right. 

My snobbery lasted all throughout seasons one and two of Modern Family. I refused to watch an episode. I know everyone kept raving about it, but I just didn't have time to invest in a new show. Do you know how emotionally taxing it is to start watching a new show? I was already way too attached to Pam, Jim, Ben, Leslie, the Nardog, Liz, I already had my click thank you very much. I didn't need those hooligans on Modern Family. Uh uh.

But then it happened...I don't really know how it happened. All I know is one day I was scoffing at the series and the next my eyes are glued to my computer, watching episode after episode, my life being completely ruined.


Guys, I'm totally obsessed. It's amazing, as I'm sure you all know. But this post isn't about how amazing the series is, the comedic timing, the brilliant and ridiculous writing--no, it's about how Modern Family is seriously ruining my life. And it all comes back to my initial point: Phil Dunphy. Modern Family makes me want to get married, pop out some babies and have a chaotic household with a sweet and slightly clueless husband.


I know, I'm like cringing inwardly. I'm 22. I shouldn't be wanting these things yet. But seriously! I'm not one of those girls that has always dreamed of being a mother or a wife. Sure, I want to, but I've always wanted a successful career more than anything. But then...Modern...Family...Come on. How freaking precious is Phil Dunphy? And how much he loves Claire? All of a sudden I started thinking, "Yes! That's my calling. To be a frantic housewife!"*

*I do not actually think this is my calling.

Okay, I mean, yes, I'm being a little dramatic. And being a wife and a mother is such an admirable job....I just never thought about it before ABC writers GOT INTO MY MIND. Get out yo. But seriously. I just love Phil and Claire so much. So damn you Phil Dunphy for making me literally hear my biological clock ticking away, wondering what the heck I'm doing in Los Angeles when I should PROBABLY be trying to earn my Mrs. Degree somewhere.

Oh this is a mess. Thanks ABC. Thanks a lot.

**to be clear this post is written in jest.
***disclaimers ruin everything

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

a little taste of home & a thought on dreams

instagram just makes everything cool, huh? jason, chanelle & i enjoying the view from Santa Monica pier.

yesterday evening and last night was a great time. a few friends from home are out here in LA visiting another friend who goes to Pepperdine University, and chanelle & i got to meet up and hang out with them. and my goodness, it seriously felt so good to see people from home! and it's not like college friends or recent acquaintances, which are wonderful too--they were friends i've known for years, people i don't have to try around and can just be me. there were new faces too, THEIR friends from college, and it was just the most wonderful mix of friendship ever. it's always so great to see people coming together from all over but connected through the friendships of people.

anyway, it was so wonderful having a little slice of home come out here. i missed philly humor. and for anyone who is from philly i'm sure you will agree--we defnitely have a specific sense of humor. i think chanelle might be a bit scarred....i hope not.. anyway. seeing my friends from home helped ease some of the homesickness i was dealing with. 

this has been the craziest week. i hope when things settle down i can process it better and write it on here for you guys. i am learning a lot about myself and about trusting in the Lord & remaining faithful, even when things don't look so great.

i've also been at peace with where i am in my life right now. sometimes i get so overwhelmed with thinking about the future, as i'm sure everyone does. i think about my life up until this point and i think, "should i have done something else?" do you guys ever get overwhelmed with these thoughts? sometimes i am so scared that in a few years i'll wake up and think "i missed out on a whole other life."

but then after a moment or two of indulging in this silly anxiety, i remember to breathe and relax and i think i would be even more upset to wake up in a few years and always wonder, "I should have went to Los Angeles." at least, wherever i am one day in life, i can look back on this time and say "well, i tried and i tried with all my heart."

lately, a few things have come up that have made me question being here and possibly returning home or somewhere else. immediately my brain yelled "you would just be giving up Nina! you'd be a quitter." why do we treat ourselves like this? so what if i came home in a month? would that make me a quitter? 

i don't want to come home anytime soon. after all, i've only been out here a month. why are we so hard on ourselves? at church we've been going through ecclesiastes and an extremely challenging but important point came up. it's like, i came out here with my dreams (and my cardigan, duh....okay, couldn't help myself). i came out here with the thought, 'I'M GOING TO MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD!' but that has nothing to do with Jesus. i HAVE to be open to God's plan for me. it probably looks nothing like i expect. why am i really here? i MUST be open to what God wants for me and i must be ready and willing to go wherever He wants me to go.

this is hard for me. all my life i've been told to dream big, to go for the gold, to WIN, to make it, to never stop until i reach the top. i've been told i can do it, i can make it and i'm talented and worthy. but in ecclesiastes the preacher says, okay that's great and everything, but it won't satisfy you. you'll get to the top and you'll always want more. there is a cry for eternity in your heart, and as a human, you'll just keep trying to find it with earthly things.

this was hard for me to hear but so important. especially for where i am right now. i constantly find myself thinking, "when i get a car, my anxiety won't be so bad. as soon as i have an apartment, yes, then i'll be a little happier. as soon as i lose like, ten more pounds, i'll feel so much more confident."

NO. no, no, no. i'll always just want MORE. but when i align my heart to living and loving the way Jesus did and God's will for my life, everything is through a different, clearer lens. this is the lens through which i long to see. my daily prayer is do die to myself everyday i wake up and say, "God, HERE I AM! Use me. Right now Lord, use me!! Pick me!" 

That is so important...and THAT is a dream which I think know will come true. 

Monday, October 3, 2011

life is crazy right now.
that is all i have to say.
will update soon.
I trust in the Lord with all my heart all the days of my life.
CLINGING to this right now.