Sunday, September 11, 2011

my heart will sing no other Name

I have so much to be thankful for and yet I look back at my posts on this blog and I feel convicted. My words are useless. They, essentially, mean nothing. Right now I just have this overwhelming feeling of the greatness of God. I am SO excited. After every church service I feel rejuvenated, but something feels different today. I feel on fire. There was a question posed in church today about what we do with our time. And it got me thinking...what AM I doing with my time?

To be honest, sometimes I feel like not much. I spend countless hours invested in meaningless things. The internet....television shows....dreaming. Now there is nothing wrong with dreaming, I know, but there's also something truly amazing about just going for it. And I am ready for that. Wow, that was allusive and kind of vague. But I just feel....ready.

On a different note, I got a job as a hostess in a restaurant. I really can't seem to escape food service. But I'm excited because it's something with income and is more flexible then say, a 9-5 job. I am looking forward to working, making money, and getting into somewhat of a routine as well as buying a car! I need prayer for that one. I know nothing about cars, have driven on a highway a grand total of 3 times, and can't parallel park to save my life. I'm going to have to get over that stuff reaaaalll fast here with LA's 5-lane highways. Oh gosh. I'm already nervous. I'm also really excited to start going on auditions and whatnot. Chanelle and I have a few projects we're working on and THAT is thrilling too. Because it comes back to what I was talking about with what I am doing with my time. It just feels good to be proactive. To know that okay, we don't have the best resources but we are trusting in the Lord to provide. We are just running full force toward something. I like that. 

I'm also dealing with homesickness. UGH. I hate being homesick, but I really am. Which is normal. I was never the girl who liked sleeping over a friend's house. I always woke up in the middle of the night missing my own bed. I still don't like sleepovers. There is something very comforting about my own space, my own room. Besides, when I was living at home I could never quite get over the guilt of leaving Gizmo. He is the best cat in the whole wide world and slept cuddled next to me every night and oh come on, how could I leave him alone?!!! I have a heart, people! Don't even get me started on how much I miss him right now. It's actually really painful.

I'm finding it's really hard to keep in touch with people, especially with the 3 hour time difference from the East Coast. I am praying to be a better friend, daughter, granddaughter and sister. Sometimes I feel like a flake, sometimes I feel like I'm not loving people as best I can. I can't lose sight of what is important. Community and friendships and relationships. That's definitely something I'm working on. 

This post came out nothing like I wanted it to--has that ever happened to you? You set out to write something and it comes out completely different? I really wanted it to be an update post but I'm not good at those. I like idea posts or silly posts and creative writing posts. It's hard for me to be straight-forward about updates. 

I guess what I want to say with this post is that I just feel strangely peaceful right now. It's so bizarre. God is teaching me a lot. I am learning to let go of my identity in other things that aren't Christ. I love finding my worth in a label, if that makes sense. Like, when I was in college I loved being a student. I loved saying that I was a student, loved being in school. When I have an internship, I love saying I'm an intern. I genuinely love having a role. And right now, I don't have one besides being a daughter of the King. And let's be honest, that's the best role ever. But it's hard. The world constantly tells me I need to be something. But right now I am rejoicing in being a woman who loves God with all her heart. And that is enough. 

I also have a pounding headache right now so I'm going to cut this off. But I'll leave you with this beautiful worship song we sang in church today:

It's so powerful. Love it. Sorry for the lackluster post. I promise the next one will be more eloquent. Just one of those emotionally good days where I can't even put words together to describe it. 

1 comment:

  1. I enjoyed this post. I especially love this line "I am learning to let go of my identity in other things that aren't Christ." Wow. That is exactly what I am going through right now, letting go of the things I let determine my identity in this world--marriage, being a mommy, etc. It is hard, but I know Christ is the only one worth it. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more.
    Ashlee @ Capernaum Home