Thursday, September 29, 2011

let it out


I've burst into tears sporadically more times in the last week than in the entirety of my 22 years. It's really embarrassing and really true. This move to LA has been so much harder than I ever expected. I'm just being honest. And I made a pact to myself to continue blogging even when I'm not feeling too great. It's so easy and tempting to want to have a brag blog. But that's not cool and I want to continue to write through the rough patches because I feel like one day I'll look back on this and be glad I stayed truthful.

This week has been extremely stressful. Emotionally draining. Spiritually draining. I've been an emtional trainwreck, which is saying something coming from a girl who's Puerto Rican and Italian. Already I feel normal emotions at a rapid and slightly scary speed, so you can only imagine how cray-cray I am right now. 

I'll just state the facts. 
1. I need a second job and I need it soon and I am trying, praying, praying, praying to not be stressed about it but it comes down to I am pretty dang stressed about it. 
2. I've been sleeping on an air mattress for the last month and my back is starting to yell at me everyday. Isn't it crazy how spoiled my body is? I really feel like a spoiled brat because I groan knowing I have to use an air mattress, but there are people in the world who don't even have a roof over their head. Who am I to complain? That brings me to point 3.
3. Chanelle and I need to be out of Malibu by Saturday, but can't move into our apartment until Wednesday. We are technically going to be homeless for 4 days. I'll keep you posted (if I have internet) about the adventure of that in and of itself. I suggested just hanging out in a diner all night but I'm not sure that will work for 4 nights. I'm sure God won't leave us hanging...I just don't know where exactly we'll be. Ya know what, I'm not even going to worry about it. Is that a bad thing?
4. I got a ticket today. I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE BEEN PULLED OVER BY A COP. And the one day when things are already not going my way, I get pulled over. I was at a stoplight and looked at my phone and the cop said I was texting and driving. I am grateful that California is so strict about texting and driving, but I couldn't help but burst into tears (which did nothing to soften the cop's blow to my wallet). I got a ticket. It's not even that I was upset at the fact I got pulled over--it's the fact that every single penny I have is so precious and there I go, being stupid and not careful and get a ticket. 

I hate stressing about money, but everyday I wake up with this heavy burden on my heart. Maybe I shouldn't blog at night after work, I feel like I'm more vulnerable. But maybe that's a good thing. Anyway, every morning I wake up feeling so....heavy. I hate it guys. I have never craved for financial security as much as I have this last month. I also have never felt so weighed down before. I nearly had another outburst of crying tonight at work. For one, I'm still the new girl and still more in the way than helpful. It's so awkard starting a new job. But at work my mind began to wander and I felt like crying AGAIN. I'm such a freaking baby, it's embarrassing. I kept thinking of everything I have to do tomorrow, and what Chanelle and I are gonna do after Saturday, and kept calculating my expenses and freaking out and oh my goodness I have never wanted to open a closet door to Narnia more in my life.

I don't wanna throw myself a pity-party. So I'm gonna shut this one down. I'm not pitying myself! I have to remember all the ways God has blessed me.

1. I have a job. Even though it's not enough, it's something. 
2. I have food in my belly.
3. We found an amazing church.
4. I have a family that loves and supports me.
5. We have an apartment. So, so grateful. Cannot wait to move in. 
6. I'm in California. Such a beautiful state.

So there are so many joys in my life right now. And I have to remain focused on those. You guys ever get so easily caught up in the stresses of life that you continually overlook the amazing things? I struggle with this all the time and I hate it. I wish I was a person who could just take every day one at a time and be thankful in that moment. I am trying to so badly. I want to be like that. 

I know I have to enjoy this time. I have to believe that one day I will tell my children about this crazy month, this crazy transition of life that I'm in. I know it's not going to be like this forever. And sometimes I crave stability so badly. A peaceful and cozy home, a relationshp, an amazing job....but you know what? Those things will come in time. And I HAVE to trust in God's plan for me. Sometimes it feels like complete blind trust. But I guess that's what faith is. 

This post was definitely more of a way to process my own thoughts...sorry if it was boring and long. Thank you to anyone who read this...I seriously can't believe I have 67 followers. That's 66 more than I could have ever hoped for. 

<3

3 comments:

  1. Hi! I was just checking out your blog and wanted to let you know that I'll be praying for you, your housing, you job and your stress level.

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  2. I was checking out your blog as well! I've actually been a reader for a couple of months now and I really enjoy reading what you write :) I will keep you in my prayers as well :)

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  3. Rachel Lynn & Aly:
    Thank you so much for the prayers and thoughts!!!! Also, thank you for reading and caring and the encouraging words. :) It means so much to me.
    --Nina

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