Sunday, September 18, 2011

denying myself is FREAKING HARD.

today at church the pastor, Tim, taught on Luke 14: 25-33. it was so powerful. it's weird, i feel like every week chanelle and i go to church the message is exactly what i need to hear in that moment. 

i don't know why it is so hard for me to truly lay everything down at the feet of Jesus. why do i keep some things for myself? why do i try and control certain aspects of my life? it's so easy to say "Jesus, I surrender all to You" but the practice and doing part is really hard.

my moods here have been up and down. some days i am so happy and some days i am so homesick and just sad. it's weird, i don't like being sad. i would say i am usually an upbeat person. i love laughing, love making people love--i truly believe laughter is so, so important. but lately i've been dealing with moments of sadness. it comes and goes in waves--one minute i'm laughing with chanelle and the next i just miss my bed so badly and i just want to curl up into it and go back to when i was little.

what i love the most about being here, right now where i am in life, is the complete and utter reliance i have on God. i like it because i know that later, when i am more settled and secure, i will know that it doesn't matter. if that makes sense. 

i really need to lay my career at Jesus' feet. i am so scared guys. it is hard for me to have faith right now that everything will work out. i'm just being honest. i'd love to sit here and say i feel so great and confident and i know things will work out, but i don't know. i don't know anything. i am so scared, but also there is peace in not knowing because i really am asking God everyday, "what now?"

or am i? why is it hard for me to ask that question? why do i feel so stressed when i wake up, feel like i'm not doing enough? today at church i kneeled before the Lord and gave everything to Him. my fear, my anxiety, my loneliness. and i felt God literally take it all and i knew in that moment i was putting my faith in my dreams for success when really, i need to die to myself. NOTHING and i mean NOTHING is above Jesus Christ and my relationship with Him. i have that. that is beautiful. i don't need to worry about finances or a car or a job. because i am already rich. i have Jesus. wow. that's....overwhelming. i am so not deserving of this. 

what i feel tonight is still that peace from my earlier post...and it's good. i am trusting guys. i am trusting that God will guide me. as long as i am running toward Him, He'll guide me. that is all the reassurance i need. mmm. it's good.

i ran tonight at sunset along the beach and that in itself was such a huge blessing. the ocean is so big and so beautiful and i felt so small and i loved it. it really is amazing. i sound so sappy and so much like a girl but whatever. the wind was blowing and it was literally GORGEOUS. i am thankful thankful thankful.

this was such a rambling of thoughts. but it feels good to get them out.

a pic from the photoshoot. 

in other news, chanelle took my headshots/pictures for my acting website (check it out-- isn't she so talented?? we found the most beautiful place. that picture i used for my header is from the photoshoot. it was beautiful. i am so grateful chanelle took my pictures. it was fun...usually it's super awkward trying to be all model-y but we were just silly. and i got some good headshots, all tricks of the light and awesome photographer! so thanks chanelle (:


  1. I think that the reason why the message speaks to you everytime you visit that church is b/c God is awesome and knows what exactly what he's doing. I've experienced the same thing when I moved to a new state for graduate school and found my current church home. God speaks to us through any means possible and I love it b/c I am always amazed at how He knows how to get my attention.

    P.S. I really like your acting website. It's very neat and clean. And the photos are beautiful. :-)

  2. i saw your photos via linkedin... they are amazing! you are doing the best you can... all that matters. xoxo