Tuesday, August 9, 2011

survival skills of a geek....and stuff

I turn on the radio and I'm bombarded with the lovely musical stylings of Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Nicki, Avril, Lady Gaga....and I'm hit full in the force with a central theme in most mainstream music: 

And I like to jam out on the radio and all that, but I can't help but notice that these girls and their message of being super fly, super drunk, and super cool seem to have serious flaws in the real world. And I couldn't help thinking that if faced with a zombie or a bear in the wilderness, Ke$ha and Nicki wouldn't really know what to do. Of course, this is all entirely based on speculation and a little bit of stereotyping, but what isn't nowadays?!

But like okay Avril--like, what are you going to do in Zombie Apocalypse situation? As the lyrics to your new song "Smile" explain, I know you're a "Crazy B*tch" and you do what you want when you feel like it, but zombie's ain't all about you doing what you want! You need to know things! Like, where to hide and to hit them in the head and all those useful skills one learns from watching too many Zombie movies (like, I really shouldn't have watched that one with the zombie fish in it--Undead?) and reading Zombie Survival Guide.

And Beyonce--you can't just SHIMMY your way out of a Zombie's clutches! How you gonna run in them stiletto's you've been wearing since you were 15 as 'Diva' points out? Huh?! Are you gonna Ring the Alarm? What Alarm? Is there an Alarm? If so, can I ring it too?

I'm not trying to diss these women, I'm just honestly worried about their survival skills in such circumstances.

And Ke$ha. My dear, dear girl with your symbolized name and bedazzled face and hair that I swear holds little forrest creatures inside of it. How can you run away from an attacker if you're brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack and demanding boys to show you their Hanes? You're going to be too intoxicated to do much of anything and you're gonna need someone to run to you and pick you up or something. I'm worried, girl. Throwing glitter at an attacker probably won't stop them. :-/

And Katy. Miss Kitty Purry. What if there's an alien invasion on a Friday night?! Oh my gosh, what are you going to do when you are taking way too many shots and figuring out who you kissed but just forgot? You can't party your way out of a Cloverfield scenario!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

See, my opinion? Geeks will last through all of it. Because they've learned survival skills from the best: from the Fellowship, the Jedis, the Aurors....I basically feel like I know how to battle anything from a Dementor to a Shark, based off my social media intake which is more or less effective nowadays anyway.

I'm just worried about these girls, guys. And I know they really appreciate my concern and all, so I'm really glad I wrote this blog post...........




  1. Good advice for the modern pop star. If the acting doesn't work out...

  2. Hahahahahaha!! Hilarious. When I worked at summer camp, we definitely had a zombie apocalypse survival plan all laid out. We all had different roles in acquiring weapons, food and a defensible building. :P