Tuesday, August 30, 2011

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." ~Oscar Wilde

I am deciding right now to be completely honest on this blog. I have always been truthful on here, and I admit it, that's a hard thing to do! And especially since arriving in California four days ago, I've already been tempted to skip over all the feelings of anxiety and nerves when writing my update. But I want to be truthful about everything--I think when I look back on this in a few years, I'll appreciate my moments of honesty. Also I decided to change the font up on this post, because heck, I'm young, I'm gonna live a little!

Anyways, I still can't believe I'm actually here in Los Angeles. What a whirlwind week it has been! From the minute we landed on Saturday morning Chanelle and I have been nonstop! From renting a car, to Chanelle buying a car, to meeting up with people, getting connected, going to church, apartment hunting--it's been wild. I'm exhausted but feeling very blessed. 

While I am experiencing so many feelings and so much excitement, there is definitely without a doubt an element of nerves, anxiety and am I good enough for this? It's so interesting to think about. When I'm completely out of my comfort zone is when I really learn my insecurities! Today I had a mini-meltdown. My first during this move and I'm sure there will be plenty more. I called my mom and right there, in the middle of The Grove with all of its fancy stores and nice-smelling men and women and sunny sky I started crying. Because my heart just felt so heavy. I cried like the little 13 year old heart that is inside of me instead of a 22 year old woman. 

"It's all just hitting me," I tearfully told my mother who listened patiently on the other line. She's so good at dealing with over-dramatic girls. "Thousands of people come out here to make it...I'm just one of them. I don't even have a lot of money...I'm not skinny enough and pretty enough. What am I doing here?"

And my mother, because she is amazing, just let me cry it out and throw myself an impromptu pity-party. And then she told me that I was putting my faith into material things and not God. And that broke my heart because I knew so much it was true. And after that phone call I felt immeasurably lighter. I get so caught up in petty things that I fail to see the blessings in my life. This world is so big and I constantly get caught up in ME ME ME!!! In that moment when I cried to my mom on the phone, I lost sight of what is truly in my heart. To glorify Jesus through my passions. I cannot get caught up in the plastic-shiny of it all. 

These last four days have been full of laughter, questions, sighs and quiet moments of absolute fright. I am so happy to be here but so, so out of my element. And it's okay. I'm learning. About myself, about my faith. I can't bring myself to give a play-by-play update because that's just not in my head. I'm just in this place of adjusting. Of knowing it's going to take awhile. And really wishing the universe could just give me a hug. Have you ever just craved a hug? A really great, warm, familiar hug? One of those would be so great right now. A hug that smells like Wawa in the morning and feels like my cat stretched out next to me--home. 

It's a freaky feeling not having an address, living out of a suitcase, coming back to an air mattress every night. I like stability. There is no stability in my life right now. Okay, I lied. Besides my faith in God, my family/friends, my love of Harry Potter, there is no stability right now. 

It's also really daunting to think that no one knows me here, save for about 3 people. HOW WEIRD IS THAT. It's weird to me. But today I got to see two people from both my homes--NYC & Philly, and that just lifted my heart so much.

GUYS! Don't worry! I'm still so excited to be here. Like, last night I even did the worm as Chanelle blasted vulgar rap music! Those are the moments I love the most. But remember, I'm keeping this blog honest. And even though my time is filled with worm-inducing rap songs, there are still moments of uncertainty and shaky legs... but I'm learning to love those moments too. 

I could get used to that view!

32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Luke 12


  1. It takes a lot of courage to be so honest. It is really isn't an easy thing to do. I think what your feeling is only natural. I know that you are going to adjust and be just fine! And keep enjoying those moments.

  2. goodluck girl! i'm sure you'll do great as long as you keep your faith always!
    btw, i started following you. keep posting! =)