First off can I just say--55 followers? Guys, I'm excited. This is exciting. Thanks to everyone who reads this blog. You are all little dumplings and I just want to dip y'all in soy sauce! I mean....what?!
But seriously, thanks!
Another quick thanks--to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! It really was a wonderful day yesterday. Low-key, I felt loved....really, what more can you ask for in a birthday? I even did my usual 5.34 run AND walked an extra 2ish miles to the bank....it was a good, good day. I am blessed and grateful.
me feeling redonk joyful at my bday dinner in the vonderfuuhl city of Philadelphia on the eve of my bday
one of my besties since 8th grade.
I also went to Chickies and Petes last night with a bunch of friends and had cake with the fam before that. Good times.
SIDENOTE--BLOOD RED ROAD CAME YESTERDAY, ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Has anyone read it? I am SO excited!!!!! I am a HUGE fan of 'The Hunger Games' and was reading an article AND on goodreads.com that if you are a fan of the Hunger Games series then THIS new book, 'Blood Red Road' is for you. I am excited. So far it's really gripping and interesting. YAY.
Now onto da post.
You ever read quotes like the one in the title--"Comparison is the thief of joy" and think, YUP! I agree! Totally. This is how my brain should think. But then five minutes later you totally forget it and fall back into unhealthy or negative thinking? I hate that!
I notice sometimes that I think super negatively on days when I should be rejoicing. Why is this? Spiritually speaking I know it's an attack and it's important to speak out against these lies/feelings. It's weird how certain weaknesses we have inside of us come back in full-bloom just when we think we've gotten over them.
I don't know if this post will relate to everyone who reads it, but maybe some people will relate more than others. I hope so anyway. My whole life I've struggled with my weight but it wasn't until my senior year of high school that it really became a problem for me. I've always been on the ... "rounder" side, we'll call it. When I was little I was blissfully unaware and SO happy. All the way up until I was 17 I never cared about my weight. I knew I wasn't tiny, but it didn't bother me. I was always told by my mother I was beautiful and had encouraging/supportive friends so it didn't matter.
But then senior year happened. I was going through a lot with a friend AND was about to move away to college so I channeled my anxiety into obsessing over my weight. I started to run everyday, which is great, but it became this thing I almost worshipped. I HAD to run or else I was in a terrible mood. I started counting calories. I was obsessed....all I thought about was food. I remember times sitting on my laptop, googling nutritional facts of fancy Starbucks drinks just so I could look at them but knowing I could never try them. How lame is that?! I was so weird.
There was also that one time I burst into tears on a drama group field trip in front of my best friend, Laura, because I thought I ate too much or something? The memory is foggy but Laura and I laugh about it now even though at the time I was definitely acting cray-cray.
I was practicing so many unhealthy habits! And even though I have moved on from this mentality, my relationship to food has never been the same. My weight is alwaaays changing and I know that is NORMAL. I am trying to find a happy-medium of enjoying food and being healthy and NOT obsessing. It's hard. Anyone who has ever struggled with eating/food/weight probably knows what I mean.
The thing is, I don't want to turn my body into an idol. It is important to take care of myself, but I can't spend so many countless hours thinking of ways to change myself--instead I just need to EMBRACE myself! haha, I just made that up. Umm...anyway.
God doesn't want me to worship running, food or myself...at all. It always makes me close to crying when I think that God loves me the way I am--cuz Lord knows it is hard to love yourself the way you are! But God's mercies are new everyday and I love that...I love that even though I slip up, screw up, God is there to catch me. And the fact that God is always there makes me everyday want to work on getting closer to Him.
I guess I am writing this post to just encourage anyone who struggles with this certain aspect in their life that you are not alone (cue inspirational slow-motion running music!) And it is important to remember that weight comes and goes--we are always changing. We are humans. And I really, really love thinking about the beauty in all shapes and forms. It's about positive thinking and praying. It's like, I need to train my mind to tell myself good things, you know? Like instead of, "Nina, DON'T eat that, you look bad, you need to look like her" I need to say "I am a daughter of the KING. That is where my identity is. I am beautiful and I am loved."
We ALL need to say this to ourselves. And there's probably people reading this that are rolling their eyes or thinking I'm being super cheesy, but if just one person reads this that understands where I'm coming from....well, then bring on the cheese! Cheese is good. I love cheese.
Anyway. These thoughts were just in my head when I woke up this morning and I wanted to get them out.