Sunday, August 21, 2011

bittersweet, like david beckham being happily married

Because I'm happy that you and Posh Spice have four beautiful children, but let's be honest, you were supposed to be MY husband, duhhh.

No, but seriously. I have so many bittersweet feelings right now. In six days I leave for Los Angeles and as the days continue to dwindle down I feel like my heart is on emotion OVERLOAD! I'm like constantly two seconds away from crying, laughing and running around attempting to learn to Dougie before I relocate to the west coast (I have my priorities figured out, obviously.)

Today was my last BRV service for awhile and that makes me sad. I've grown to love church at BRV--from the worship to the message and teaching to seeing friendly faces. I'm pretty bummed that just when I start making friends there I have to peace out, but it's nice to know that when I come back and visit I'll know more than just my family and young life peeps. It's a good, bittersweet feeling. 

As I was sitting in church today my thoughts from the week came to a certain conclusion about having courage in the Lord. Being brave and courageous has definitely been on my heart lately. As much as I love going out there and having new experiences, I struggle with a lot of anxiety and fear. I'm pretty much a scaredy cat and that is really hard to admit guys!!! But after a conversation I had yesterday with my sister and after singing "I Will Trust You" in church today and really connecting to the lyrics:

 "In my weakness would You come 

Help me stand up, help me run 
To the shadow of Your wings 
And the comfort that it brings"

It made me think about my fear and what it is I'm so afraid of. Failure? Loneliness? Sickness? Never being able to do the worm forwards? I'm afraid of a lot of things in life but all that fear is cancelled out by the fact that Jesus died for me. And no matter where I go in life, God is walking right with me.
I've had a lot of thoughts this summer and especially in the past few weeks leading up to this big move that is happening on Saturday for me. "Should I stay here at home? Will I be safer? Will I be happier?" Those thoughts are common in my head. I'm going to be far from everyone I love. I'm going to be struggling and lonely. It's going to be crazy! But I realized that God is going to be there with me. I could go anywhere in the world and I will still be surrounded by the love of God. So what in the world do I have to fear!? My family isn't my salvation. Friends aren't--I don't have a boyfriend and if I did he wouldn't be. The only thing giving me eternal life--saving me--is Jesus Christ and the fact that he died on a cross for me. For all of us.

I can't express to you how much this means to me. It's not a feeling of happiness--happiness is fleeting, in and out, up and down. It's a deep, definite joy. That even though I go through things in life that suck, even though I suck and mess it up a lot, God looks at me and I am His child. That is breathtaking. And...convicting. Because I don't always do the best job at conveying the love of Christ. I'm impatient, sometimes cranky, judgmental--too worried about what people think of me. But gosh, I want to forever run towards Christ and to work toward loving others the way God loves me. Because that's what it's all about.

So as I get ready this week, I am praying against anxiety and fear. I have no idea what the Lord's plan is for me out there in LA. It could be six months out there, it could be six years. I don't know. I'm not worried. Because knowing I am loved by the King and that I love the Lord so much...that's it, really. Is there really any other reason why I'm here on this earth than to spread the good news and to love the way Jesus loved? Loves?

The bittersweet moments in life are some of the best and some of the hardest. I am so grateful for everything God has led me through and the blessings in my life. And I am so excited for this new chapter. And with excitement comes fear but in that fear I have hope--because I can be courageous and that courage doesn't come from me--it's all from God. 

Do you struggle with fear and anxiety? What are some ways you deal with those feelings? Why do I feel like bolding and asking these questions makes me feel like I'm writing some kind of psychology survey? Bwha ha ha ha. 


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