Wednesday, August 31, 2011

the problem with falling in love with fictional characters

Jim Halpert. Are there even words?

Guys, I have to admit I've struggled with something these past few years..."few" being a generous term since it's really been since I was like, eleven. It's something I can't really control and something that might be slowly ruining my life. I'm completely dramatic logical when it comes to love. Because I keep falling in love and getting my heart broken. And these men that I keep falling in love with? 

Ah, yes. Fictional characters.

It happened when I was five or so. I think my mom might have taken me to see 'The Lion King' in theatres and I remember having a HUGE crush on Simba. WAIT--what? Ewww! He's an animal! AND he's a cartoon! That's like a double wammy. But goodness did that slight mane and edgy bravery and the way he looked at Nala send my little five year old heart a flutter. The best was during Hakuna Matata when Simba is crossing that log with Timon and Pumbaa and he's like, in that teenager stage for like a second and has a spiky mini-mane--WHAT A BABE!

Oh the smolder....

Now that I've sufficiently weirded most of you out, I'm going to continue.
My love of fictional characters (in the male form) didn't end there. It continued on with the likes of one Ronald Weasley...the little boy in that book Flipped .. Zigzag from Louis Sachar's "Holes." And then on and on the list goes--from Mr. Darcy to Colin Firth in "Love, Actually" to Jack Dawson (you own my heart early twenties Leo) to River Phoenix's Eddie Birdlace in "Dogfight" to Peter Pevensie to Jim Halpert to Tom Hansen (JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT YOU MUST BE EXACTLY LIKE THAT ROLE, RIGHT?) to Mr. Coulson in "Never Been Kissed." There are so many. And it's really starting to mess with my BRAIN.

Josie Grosie was so lucky!
I think it's good for girls to have high standards. In fact, I think too many girls (and guys) settle for someone who doesn't treat them right only because they are afraid to be alone. But at the same time, where is the line drawn? And I'm not saying go for the Chris Brown dude...I'm just saying, something messes with me when I watch a movie like...."The Notebook" and I think "WHY CAN'T A GUY WRITE ME LETTERS EVEN WHEN WE'RE FAR APART?!" Most guys flinch at the term "long-distance." Damn you Noah for loving Allie so much!!

I digress. I guess what I'm saying is, for someone like me who loves movies and books so much, it's easy for me to say in my brain, "I'm never going to date anyone who isn't Flynn Rider from 'Tangled.'" But that is silly. Because 1. Flynn Rider doesn't exist. 2. He's a 2D. That would never work.

I guess I'm just afraid of disillusioning myself so much to the point that no guy I meet will make me as happy as Jim Halpert makes Pam. But that's silly, right? Because I see beautiful marriages all the time and I see Christ reflected so much in them. Of course real love exists but it's still scary. Movie and book love is safe because it's not real. And I think when I do meet the man I'm supposed to be with, Prince Eric won't hold a candle to him. Because as Matthew Gray Gubler says in '500 Days of Summer' ... he'll be better than the man of my dreams. He'll be real. 

did anyone else think Lumiere had a little somethin somethin? no? just me?

Obviously, you can tell I have my priorities straight. Fretting over ficitonal characters ruining my dating life when I don't even have a dating life. But isn't that the brain of most 22 year old girls? And is it so wrong of me to want to be swept off of my feet by a guy? I am content with where I am, I like being single, but is it bad to sometimes daydream of what it will be like to fall in love? Not that I'm ready! There I go with the disclaimers! AH! Have I completely branded this blog super girly from this post? I think I've been re-reading 'Hunger Games' too much. #TEAMGALE!!!

 Who knows. But please, tell me I'm not the only one out there who continually falls for fictional characters? I can't be the only one!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." ~Oscar Wilde

I am deciding right now to be completely honest on this blog. I have always been truthful on here, and I admit it, that's a hard thing to do! And especially since arriving in California four days ago, I've already been tempted to skip over all the feelings of anxiety and nerves when writing my update. But I want to be truthful about everything--I think when I look back on this in a few years, I'll appreciate my moments of honesty. Also I decided to change the font up on this post, because heck, I'm young, I'm gonna live a little!

Anyways, I still can't believe I'm actually here in Los Angeles. What a whirlwind week it has been! From the minute we landed on Saturday morning Chanelle and I have been nonstop! From renting a car, to Chanelle buying a car, to meeting up with people, getting connected, going to church, apartment hunting--it's been wild. I'm exhausted but feeling very blessed. 

While I am experiencing so many feelings and so much excitement, there is definitely without a doubt an element of nerves, anxiety and am I good enough for this? It's so interesting to think about. When I'm completely out of my comfort zone is when I really learn my insecurities! Today I had a mini-meltdown. My first during this move and I'm sure there will be plenty more. I called my mom and right there, in the middle of The Grove with all of its fancy stores and nice-smelling men and women and sunny sky I started crying. Because my heart just felt so heavy. I cried like the little 13 year old heart that is inside of me instead of a 22 year old woman. 

"It's all just hitting me," I tearfully told my mother who listened patiently on the other line. She's so good at dealing with over-dramatic girls. "Thousands of people come out here to make it...I'm just one of them. I don't even have a lot of money...I'm not skinny enough and pretty enough. What am I doing here?"

And my mother, because she is amazing, just let me cry it out and throw myself an impromptu pity-party. And then she told me that I was putting my faith into material things and not God. And that broke my heart because I knew so much it was true. And after that phone call I felt immeasurably lighter. I get so caught up in petty things that I fail to see the blessings in my life. This world is so big and I constantly get caught up in ME ME ME!!! In that moment when I cried to my mom on the phone, I lost sight of what is truly in my heart. To glorify Jesus through my passions. I cannot get caught up in the plastic-shiny of it all. 

These last four days have been full of laughter, questions, sighs and quiet moments of absolute fright. I am so happy to be here but so, so out of my element. And it's okay. I'm learning. About myself, about my faith. I can't bring myself to give a play-by-play update because that's just not in my head. I'm just in this place of adjusting. Of knowing it's going to take awhile. And really wishing the universe could just give me a hug. Have you ever just craved a hug? A really great, warm, familiar hug? One of those would be so great right now. A hug that smells like Wawa in the morning and feels like my cat stretched out next to me--home. 

It's a freaky feeling not having an address, living out of a suitcase, coming back to an air mattress every night. I like stability. There is no stability in my life right now. Okay, I lied. Besides my faith in God, my family/friends, my love of Harry Potter, there is no stability right now. 

It's also really daunting to think that no one knows me here, save for about 3 people. HOW WEIRD IS THAT. It's weird to me. But today I got to see two people from both my homes--NYC & Philly, and that just lifted my heart so much.

GUYS! Don't worry! I'm still so excited to be here. Like, last night I even did the worm as Chanelle blasted vulgar rap music! Those are the moments I love the most. But remember, I'm keeping this blog honest. And even though my time is filled with worm-inducing rap songs, there are still moments of uncertainty and shaky legs... but I'm learning to love those moments too. 

I could get used to that view!

32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Luke 12

Saturday, August 27, 2011

blogs on a plane (obviously better than snakes)

Wrote this earlier today en route to Los Angeles:

It’s crazy to think four years ago I had only just turned eighteen and was moving into a tiny dorm overlooking Washington Square Park in Greenwich Village. Starting New York University was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. The few days leading up to the big move I was a mess of emotion. I spent a lot of time with friends and family and boyfriend at the time, but nothing really prepared me for when my mom, dad, Rebecca and Christina would pull away in my Grandmom’s minivan after helping me move in. Nothing prepared me for the tears that inevitably welled up and the sense of “I am really on my own.”
            I was excited for college, but I am also a walking mess of nerves and anxiety and it is my nature to freak out a little. I like comfort, as I have explained in other blog posts. I like familiarity and warmth—family and friends and finding a niche and community. I didn’t know if I was ready for the chaos of Manhattan, of going to a school that didn’t have a campus but was smack-dab in the middle of downtown NYC. But I also knew without a doubt that God wanted me to go to NYU—really, there’s no other explanation. Sure, I took AP and honors courses in high school, was well-rounded, and had a good audition. But that’s not enough when you’re auditioning with thousands of other 18 year olds, all passionate and on fire for performance and New York City and who have a lot more experience than you. There’s millions of talented people in the world. And smart people too. A lot more talented and smarter than me, not to mention those who could actually afford NYU. (I got a pretty big scholarship—another work of the Lord…but yeah, still swimming up to my neck in debt!)
 So how did I get picked for Tisch School of the Arts? It all comes down to God. To believing in His plan and will for my life. I 100% believe He moved the heart of the woman who auditioned me, of the person who put my application in the “accepted” pile. There were so many moments of struggle at NYU. Of moments where I thought of seriously transferring—was I really cut out for this intense training and the loneliness only a crowded, rough and amazing city could provide? I can’t even tell you how many times I broke down crying or hopped on a Bolt bus to come home. Sometimes I wonder—would I still be here if I hadn’t gone to NYU? If I hadn’t gone to that Cru meeting and met so many amazing people and Chanelle and started Girl Conception and realized both our dreams aligned? I don’t know. All I know is my time at NYU was the most breath-taking, spectacular and hardest three and a half years of my life.
            But now, looking back, here I am four years later. On a plane, on my way to Los Angeles. I’m about to embark on another crazy, wild, hard, terrifying, and incredible adventure. And yes, there are many feelings of panic—will I find a job? Will Chanelle and I find an apartment in a good neighborhood? How about a car? Groceries? Networking? How can I be in the right place at the right time!? Am I pretty enough to get an acting job? Skinny enough? Talented enough? Will I ever be able to publish a novel or finish that screenplay?? Will we find a strong community and a good church? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!
            All of these things can get so overwhelming, but all of that fades away when the cry of my soul is to grow closer to Jesus Christ. I have so much faith in God’s plan for Chanelle and myself. And I fully realize it might look nothing like what we have imagined, but all I know it feels so good taking this leap of faith. Well, it feels more like a blind-plunge of faith, but there’s something so exhilarating about it. To know God is with me right now. He’s going to be with me when I call my mom crying because I didn’t get cast in a in that production...He’s going to be with me when Chanelle and I are living on air mattresses and out of our suitcases for what will probably be a long time and a diet of peanut-butter and Ramen. He’s going to be with me in my moments of loneliness. He’s going to be with me when I laugh with new friends, when I experience the beauty of being out of my comfort zone, of being displaced. I am speechless  and my heart is so full right now, even as the guy sitting across from me keeps shooting me weird looks because my cracked-out Macbook keeps making weird gurgling noises…I’m sorry man in the adjacent aisle!
            All I can say is to everyone reading this….truly trust that God loves you so much and will be with you every step of the journey of your life. We all have different stories, different dreams and passions and fears—I am overwhelmed by humanity. And I’m not trying to get all deep with this post, but my heart is a bundle of emotions. I refuse to listen to dream-killers. My mom always tells me when I get insecure about the talents God has given me and my future—she always says, “Nina—why not you? Why not anyone?” And it’s true. I refuse to let fear cripple me. I refuse to let the scoffers, the ones who roll their eyes when I tell them I have a degree in drama, the ones who continue to tell me how hard it’s going to be when I already know it—I refuse to let them cripple me. Refuse to believe lies and every negative thought that comes into my head. Those aren’t from the Lord. I choose to believe in the grace of God, in my salvation and God’s plan for my life, whatever it holds. Because the only life I want to live is the one God has for me. Because God has the best one.
            Last night was an amazing time before setting off on what is sure to be whirlwind of whatever is waiting for me in Los Angeles. I spent time with my family and friends and laughed so hard I’m pretty sure I peed a little. Laura, who’s been my best friend and more like a sister since I was fifteen, came over with my other good friend Adam from high school. Christina was there too, and I wish so badly Rebecca could have been. I just think it’s amazing how life goes full-circle. It was fitting I should spend my last night at home (at least for a little while—who knows where the Lord will take me!) with two friends who I’ve known for a long time and my sister. People who I don’t have to pretend to be cheerful around, people who have seen me at my best and more often than not my worst. And we laughed so much and it was the perfect cure to my bundle of nerves. So thank you Laura and Adam and Christina for so much laughter last night. I am so grateful and blessed for every person in my life that has brought me happiness, deep joy and a sense of peace amidst the craziness of life. I can only try everyday to be a better friend, daughter, granddaughter and sister to all of you. Gosh, I can’t get all weepy with this post because then I’ll start thinking about my mom and grandmom and family and sisters and friends and how it’s going to be so hard being away from them but knowing they’ll always be in my heart (definitely just had a flash to the scene in Deathly Hallows where Neville is all like “HARRY’S HERE IN OUR HEART!” …. #nerd #notashamed #lovehashtags) I am so excited right now words just can’t do it justice!! And I have to give all the glory to the Creator of the Universe. For this opportunity. And in the words of my dear friend Belle (cause let’s be honest, she’s the best Disney princess fo-sho)

“I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere.
I want it more than I can tell.”

Oh girl PREAACCCHHH!!!!!!

Anyways, I’m sure I’ll be updating everyone on my adventures in LaLa Land. Love you all!!!!

Psalm 91 has been on my heart lately:

He who dwells in the shelter of the
Most High
Will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
My God in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare
And from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
And under his wings you will find refuge;
His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the arrow that flies by day,
Nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
Nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
Ten thousand at your right hand,
But it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling—
Even the Lord, who is my refuge—
Then no harm will befall you,
No disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
To guard you in all your ways;
They will lift you up in their hands,
So that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
You will trample the great lion and the serpent.

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord,
“I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”


Thursday, August 25, 2011

the human experience

Sometimes the best nights are ones spent alone, relaxing. Do you guys agree? The other night was quite lovely. I had coffee with two of my best friends since high school, Melanie and Jeane. We took our delicious Starbucks treats (I will forever be a Starbucks fan. Don't care what you think! Their product is consistently good) to Swarthmore college. It was a beautiful summer's-ending kind of night. It was a night that made me so excited for autumn and crave sweaters and Linvilla and pie and baking and all sorts of wonderful cozy things! Anyway, it was a great night just talking and enjoying one another's presence. Afterward I came home and decided to enjoy my time alone and instead of packing (oh gosh, I still have to do worries, guys!) I decided to watch a documentary I've been meaning to watch for awhile called "The Human Experience." 


I'd watched the trailer about 50,000 times but finally the other night I had the opportunity to watch it on Netflix. It was seriously one of the most amazing, incredible, moving, heart-breaking, inspirational documentaries I have ever seen. You guys have to watch it!!!!! 

I could go on and on about every detail I loved in the film but really, my words are useless. You just need to watch it. Let yourself be moved. It's so easy to be consumed with our own lives and we fall into this bubble. It's hard to see with a bigger perspective. This documentary reminded me that it is important to get out of your comfort zone, to travel, to love. But also what was so great is that it also helped me remember that I can practice real love wherever I am. Whether it's at home, in a different city, in a different country...sometimes, and I've really noticed this since becoming a Christian, there is this glamorized view of traveling and going on missions trips to other countries. While traveling and going to other places is SO IMPORTANT (really, it's a huge part of my heart) we can't forget about letting God use us right where we are. That is exciting. I love that. 

Anyway, you really should watch it. It's short, too! :) 

Today it is rainy. And thunder-stormy. While usually I'd hate this, today I love it! It's so cozy! My sister Christina just finished reading all the Harry Potters for the first time so she's making me watch Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix. It's perfect on this rainy&gloomy day. I brewed a fresh pot of coffee and now I'm just content to lay around the house reading and drinking coffee. But I DO have to pack...yiiiiikes. I'm such a procrastinator. Woops.

My breakfast. Well, actually just the coffee, let's be honest, I didn't eat the cupcake. But I'm proud of them! I made them last night for small group...I'm not the best baker but actually, I'm starting to like it! What's happening to me? Am I really enjoying something so...domestic? Coming from the girl who can barely keep up on her laundry and gets ready in about 10 minutes...but I have to say, baking IS something that just makes me feel....good. 

I hope you all enjoy your day, whether it's filled with cupcakes and coffee or cozy movies or packing or whatever it is you are doing!!! You're all wonderful! Don't forget it. Okay?


Monday, August 22, 2011

a funny thing happened on the way home

It was the catchy pop rhythm that made my fingers hestitate to change the radio station--it was fitting to the weather. The way the breeze held the first promises of autumn and the way I let my windows roll down (I never do this. I love air-conditioning. Best invention in the whole wide world). 

I had never heard this song before blasting through my speakers but I liked it. And then I started to feel a sense of familiarity. The lilting, slightly accented male voice reminded me of Sean Kingston which led me to place the second slightly raspier voice--JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!!!!!

Was this what I thought it was? The anticipated collaboration of two of the greats? Were Biebz and Kingston at it again? Since "Eenie Meenie" came out and was added to both my work-out playlist entitled 'Shake the Glitter' (thanks Ke$ha) and my 'Sunny Skies' playlist, I've been anxiously awaiting for the little Canadian boy who stole my heart so long ago and the Jamaican-American smoothe stylings of one Sean Kingston. 

I've never been one to pin-point voices to vocalists, but I was SURE. Something in my gut and my heart told me this was Kingston and Bieber. I knew it. All the tell-tale signs were there. Fluttery heart? Check. Blushing cheeks? Check. A giddy, youthful smile and bob of the shoulders before I could even control it? Double check. 

And then...THE LYRICS! Was--wait--was that Philly you just said? So many pretty faces in Philly? And did you just mention Cherry Hill, and I swore you just said 'Jersey.' Wait, wait, wait. My heart started pounding uncontrollably. Suddenly I pictured myself in California, ten pounds thinner, longboarding next to Justin Bieber, laughing about how Selena Gomez wasn't really his type anyway--she was from Texas!--and he's all about even older 22 year old Philly girls. 

I couldn't contain my excitement. I quickly texted Chanelle telling her of the new song and how much it already meant to me. She was equally excited and probably a little jealous that Justin and Sean weren't singing about High Point, but I let it slide because I was too busy flapping my elbows to the music as I pulled into my driveway, excited to youtube this gem of autotuned music and shell out 1.29$ to add it to my Shake the Glitter playlist. 

Nothing could bring me down as I greeted my cat, even gave him a high-five! Gizmo could tell I was excited by the way he meowed and rubbed against my leg, probably a little shocked he knew how to high-five (I was too). But even my high-fiving cat couldn't deter me from my mission to confirm what I so believed was true--that Justin Bieber was singing about Philly girls--and not just any Philly girls, but ME! I just..I knew it. 

That's weird. Nothing came up when I googled "Justin Bieber Sean Kingston Philly girls song".... hmmm. "Won't Stop"?--no, that's not the collaboration song I was thinking of. Doesn't sound like it. I typed in some more lyrics, a little thrown but still basking in the glow of Justin's still pubescent voice. 



And then I realized it wasn't Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston at all but this fellow Iyaz and Travis McCoy. WHAT?!
Everything in me deflated. As if that wasn't bad enough, the song changes the lyrics to whatever city it's played in, so it's not even specific to Philly. I shot a text to Chanelle to quell my humiliation, explaining the mixup. She was more concerned about how I could mix up Travis McCoy and Justin Bieber than she was about my weepy text. That's a good friend. No making fun of me, just gentle confusion as to how I could possibly mix up the Biebz with anyone. I asked myself the same question and alas, I have no answer.

I still like the song, but now it just doesn't hold the same value....I don't think I'll be bobbing shoulders to it anytime soon. I even tried to high-five my cat again, but he wasn't feeling it. A sad moment in what was promising to be such a beautiful day. Oh Justin, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!!

But I shall keep my head up for the day I meet Justin Bieber and he realizes all along he's wanted a Philly girl. I mean, come on, who doesn't?! 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

bittersweet, like david beckham being happily married

Because I'm happy that you and Posh Spice have four beautiful children, but let's be honest, you were supposed to be MY husband, duhhh.

No, but seriously. I have so many bittersweet feelings right now. In six days I leave for Los Angeles and as the days continue to dwindle down I feel like my heart is on emotion OVERLOAD! I'm like constantly two seconds away from crying, laughing and running around attempting to learn to Dougie before I relocate to the west coast (I have my priorities figured out, obviously.)

Today was my last BRV service for awhile and that makes me sad. I've grown to love church at BRV--from the worship to the message and teaching to seeing friendly faces. I'm pretty bummed that just when I start making friends there I have to peace out, but it's nice to know that when I come back and visit I'll know more than just my family and young life peeps. It's a good, bittersweet feeling. 

As I was sitting in church today my thoughts from the week came to a certain conclusion about having courage in the Lord. Being brave and courageous has definitely been on my heart lately. As much as I love going out there and having new experiences, I struggle with a lot of anxiety and fear. I'm pretty much a scaredy cat and that is really hard to admit guys!!! But after a conversation I had yesterday with my sister and after singing "I Will Trust You" in church today and really connecting to the lyrics:

 "In my weakness would You come 

Help me stand up, help me run 
To the shadow of Your wings 
And the comfort that it brings"

It made me think about my fear and what it is I'm so afraid of. Failure? Loneliness? Sickness? Never being able to do the worm forwards? I'm afraid of a lot of things in life but all that fear is cancelled out by the fact that Jesus died for me. And no matter where I go in life, God is walking right with me.
I've had a lot of thoughts this summer and especially in the past few weeks leading up to this big move that is happening on Saturday for me. "Should I stay here at home? Will I be safer? Will I be happier?" Those thoughts are common in my head. I'm going to be far from everyone I love. I'm going to be struggling and lonely. It's going to be crazy! But I realized that God is going to be there with me. I could go anywhere in the world and I will still be surrounded by the love of God. So what in the world do I have to fear!? My family isn't my salvation. Friends aren't--I don't have a boyfriend and if I did he wouldn't be. The only thing giving me eternal life--saving me--is Jesus Christ and the fact that he died on a cross for me. For all of us.

I can't express to you how much this means to me. It's not a feeling of happiness--happiness is fleeting, in and out, up and down. It's a deep, definite joy. That even though I go through things in life that suck, even though I suck and mess it up a lot, God looks at me and I am His child. That is breathtaking. And...convicting. Because I don't always do the best job at conveying the love of Christ. I'm impatient, sometimes cranky, judgmental--too worried about what people think of me. But gosh, I want to forever run towards Christ and to work toward loving others the way God loves me. Because that's what it's all about.

So as I get ready this week, I am praying against anxiety and fear. I have no idea what the Lord's plan is for me out there in LA. It could be six months out there, it could be six years. I don't know. I'm not worried. Because knowing I am loved by the King and that I love the Lord so much...that's it, really. Is there really any other reason why I'm here on this earth than to spread the good news and to love the way Jesus loved? Loves?

The bittersweet moments in life are some of the best and some of the hardest. I am so grateful for everything God has led me through and the blessings in my life. And I am so excited for this new chapter. And with excitement comes fear but in that fear I have hope--because I can be courageous and that courage doesn't come from me--it's all from God. 

Do you struggle with fear and anxiety? What are some ways you deal with those feelings? Why do I feel like bolding and asking these questions makes me feel like I'm writing some kind of psychology survey? Bwha ha ha ha. 


Friday, August 12, 2011


Something that really bothers me is when girls say they hate other girls. Like, YOU ARE ONE. So you hate yourself? That's smart.

I know it's more complicated then that....but it really bothers me. Come on, we've all heard it. 

Girl Who Hates Girls: I'm just a boy's girl. Girls are too catty, too dramatic. I'd rather hang with the boys! I just can't stand girls. Ugh!

This makes me super duper angry. Not just super angry, but I added that duper in there! Because listen, it's like this: Enough of the world already dislikes women, already looks down on them and doesn't treat them right anyways. As women, it is our duty to help empower other women! And I don't care what you say, person who is rolling their eyes at me and saying, 'ENOUGH OF THE FEMINIST THING ALREADY.' But no. I don't care what you say, it is STILL hard for a woman in this world! And I'm not bashing men, at all, I'm just calling out the girls who hate other girls.

AND the girl who says they pray and hope they never have a daughter and only have sons. I always cringe when I hear this. How beautiful would it be to raise a little girl, to show her what it means to be a woman of Christ and how much God loves her, to see her grow and mature and love others compassionately? What is so wrong with that? Little boys are great but so are little girls. SO STOP THE HATIN!

I just don't think it's okay to go against your own gender. I feel very white and black about this issue. You can't say you hate all girls-- that's not fair. And for your information, girl who never wants daughters, I have two sisters and NO brothers and I wouldn't change it for the world. I wouldn't change the crazy wrestling, the fighting, the laughing so hard we pee, the comfort and the bond only sisters can have. I wouldn't change that at all.

And to the girl who doesn't have sisters by blood--think of your best friends.  Instead of bashing girls and how stupid and petty they are, CHANGE THE CYCLE. You ever see two best friends and it's just the most beautiful thing in the world? Let's continue this! Let's STOP calling each other whore, bitch, slut, dumb, desperate, immature, ugly, fat, skinny--let's start loving each other. FOR REAL. And I'm not saying I wanna have snuggle slumber parties with all of you where we cuddle and paint our toenails (those are reserved only for my cat)...I'm just saying you sitting there, hatin' on your own gender isn't doing anything to CHANGE what you say you hate so much. It's only perpetuating the cycle.

And now, I shall leave you with what you knew you were going to read from the minute you started: a quote about women to empower them. What better than from Sex & The City, every gal's FAVE show!?

"It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes--that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!"

OH MY GOSH I'M TOTALLY JOKING. Guys, ew, I wouldn't end with that quote from that television show! Stoooopppp. You don't even know me at all :-/

Anyways.....I've dragged this post on long enough. But seriously, that is my pet peeve. And I don't even like pet peeves, but girls who say they hate other girls....definitely not feeling it ladies :-/ Let's just all love each other and have that snuggle slumber party I was talking about! JUST KIDDING THOSE ARE ONLY FOR MY CAT.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

survival skills of a geek....and stuff

I turn on the radio and I'm bombarded with the lovely musical stylings of Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Nicki, Avril, Lady Gaga....and I'm hit full in the force with a central theme in most mainstream music: 

And I like to jam out on the radio and all that, but I can't help but notice that these girls and their message of being super fly, super drunk, and super cool seem to have serious flaws in the real world. And I couldn't help thinking that if faced with a zombie or a bear in the wilderness, Ke$ha and Nicki wouldn't really know what to do. Of course, this is all entirely based on speculation and a little bit of stereotyping, but what isn't nowadays?!

But like okay Avril--like, what are you going to do in Zombie Apocalypse situation? As the lyrics to your new song "Smile" explain, I know you're a "Crazy B*tch" and you do what you want when you feel like it, but zombie's ain't all about you doing what you want! You need to know things! Like, where to hide and to hit them in the head and all those useful skills one learns from watching too many Zombie movies (like, I really shouldn't have watched that one with the zombie fish in it--Undead?) and reading Zombie Survival Guide.

And Beyonce--you can't just SHIMMY your way out of a Zombie's clutches! How you gonna run in them stiletto's you've been wearing since you were 15 as 'Diva' points out? Huh?! Are you gonna Ring the Alarm? What Alarm? Is there an Alarm? If so, can I ring it too?

I'm not trying to diss these women, I'm just honestly worried about their survival skills in such circumstances.

And Ke$ha. My dear, dear girl with your symbolized name and bedazzled face and hair that I swear holds little forrest creatures inside of it. How can you run away from an attacker if you're brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack and demanding boys to show you their Hanes? You're going to be too intoxicated to do much of anything and you're gonna need someone to run to you and pick you up or something. I'm worried, girl. Throwing glitter at an attacker probably won't stop them. :-/

And Katy. Miss Kitty Purry. What if there's an alien invasion on a Friday night?! Oh my gosh, what are you going to do when you are taking way too many shots and figuring out who you kissed but just forgot? You can't party your way out of a Cloverfield scenario!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

See, my opinion? Geeks will last through all of it. Because they've learned survival skills from the best: from the Fellowship, the Jedis, the Aurors....I basically feel like I know how to battle anything from a Dementor to a Shark, based off my social media intake which is more or less effective nowadays anyway.

I'm just worried about these girls, guys. And I know they really appreciate my concern and all, so I'm really glad I wrote this blog post...........



Monday, August 8, 2011

i like blogs because they don't have to make sense (like this one)

I am familiar with these feelings. It always happens before there comes a great change in my life. It happened before I went away to college four years ago, it happened last year before I went away and interned all summer at a Young Life camp, and it's happening now before I move away to Los Angeles. 

It starts deep in my belly, a little twinge of anxiety and restlessness that grows and grows until it's crawling up my throat and I feel it everyday. The nerves. The stress. The overall feeling of "I just want to sit in this moment right here for a little while longer."

I start to retreat into myself. I reach out to tangible things that create intangible moments and I lose myself in them. As ridiculous as it sounds, the week before I moved away to Lake Champion last summer I holed myself up in my room and watched episode after episode of Criminal Minds. I channeled my fear into that freaking AWESOME show and escaped from the worries I had of moving into a house with people I didn't know, leaving my family for a few months and being thrown into a completely foreign environment. 

Okay, and let's be honest, I think Dr. Spencer Reid had something to do with my Criminal Minds phase. I mean, look at him! Nerdy. Smart. Socially awkward. 3 things I love in a man! #justkidding #kindof #ohmygoshstophashtagging

But it's happening now to as it comes closer and closer to August 27th. I'm retreating into books to keep off these feelings of anxiety. I'm avoiding packing, organizing, cleaning...I'm avoiding thinking about reality. It's not okay, I know that and I know it's a way of coping. Like today. I had today all scheduled to clean. And what did I do? Ended up spending hours and hours in the world of Moira Young's first book, "Blood Red Road" in the Dustlands series. It's weird how a book can comfort me so much. It's like that one time I was sitting in the car with Christina, my youngest sister, and she started singing me Regina Spektor's "The Call" from the second Narnia movie and I legit started to bawl, not because of her beautiful singing, but because I was actually sad Narnia didn't exist......


Actually, don't answer that. But it comes back to this little thought that trails into my mind every now and again: Did you ever feel like you just don't belong? And I'm not talking that angsty, teenage nudge of "No one gets me dude!" But this sincere longing inside of you were actually meant for another world?

I feel that cry in my heart all the time. I love this world but it's also scary and hard and kinda sucky sometimes. I think that's why I fell in love with books so early in life. That escape into another world--characters who became friends, places I was taken by simple words on a page. And that's why I love acting. That's why I went to college to study the art of performance. That's why I love writing, reading and that's why I'm moving in Los Angeles. 

I love being moved by the words in a book--I love when I feel so close to a character, when I am at work or in class and all I think about is the next chance I can sneak away to Starbucks or my bed and dive back into that world the author has created. 

It also leads me to think bigger than just books and escapism. It makes me think about the Creator of the Universe. And how this world really isn't my home at all...that I was created for something more. And it keeps me in check. Because I know moving to LA won't fix my problems, won't give me what I'm searching for. I know earthly things can't do that. But my relationship with Jesus Christ can. Surrendering everything in my life to God, to something so much bigger than myself, allows me to let go of these earthly desires and realize life is so precious, so fleeting. I struggle with this idea all the time. I always think, "If I just lose FIVE more pounds" or "If I can get THIS job or become friends with THIS person" then everything will just be so much better. But it won't. Those things can't make everything better. I don't care who tells you that. I don't care how many times I hear "Money can't buy you happiness, but it sure as hell makes it easier!" I. Don't. Care. Those things don't matter. What matters is so much bigger than the miniscule temporary feelings of pleasure gained from materialistic things or even  relationships with people. Having a boyfriend won't make me feel better about myself. Having a perfect apartment or nice clothes won't give me lasting peace. Moving to LA won't make me feel content or cool. It's not and shouldn't be about that.

It's about listening to that still, quiet voice in God. Letting it lead me. And each day with God...well, that's enough.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this post. Gosh, it was all over the place, huh? All I know is I'm nervous, I'm excited, I have so many feelings in my heart right now that I just....I can't really put them into words...but I just had to try anyway. And for now, as I begin to pack up my life to fit into one suitcase, I'm going to smile in the moments when I am surrounded by people I love, the everyday aspects of being loved by God, with a joy so deep it feels me up and I let go of these feelings of anxiety and fear, choosing to dwell instead in a place of adventure (and hair-whipping): 

May you all have hair-whipping last days of summer! 

Saturday, August 6, 2011

comparison is the thief of joy--AND OTHER CLICHES THAT JUST MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

First off can I just say--55 followers? Guys, I'm excited. This is exciting. Thanks to everyone who reads this blog. You are all little dumplings and I just want to dip y'all in soy sauce! I mean....what?!
But seriously, thanks!

Another quick thanks--to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! It really was a wonderful day yesterday. Low-key, I felt loved....really, what more can you ask for in a birthday? I even did my usual 5.34 run AND walked an extra 2ish miles to the was a good, good day. I am blessed and grateful. 

me feeling redonk joyful at my bday dinner in the vonderfuuhl city of Philadelphia on the eve of my bday

one of my besties since 8th grade. 


I also went to Chickies and Petes last night with a bunch of friends and had cake with the fam before that. Good times. 

SIDENOTE--BLOOD RED ROAD CAME YESTERDAY, ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Has anyone read it? I am SO excited!!!!! I am a HUGE fan of 'The Hunger Games' and was reading an article AND on that if you are a fan of the Hunger Games series then THIS new book, 'Blood Red Road' is for you. I am excited. So far it's really gripping and interesting. YAY.

Now onto da post. 

You ever read quotes like the one in the title--"Comparison is the thief of joy" and think, YUP! I agree! Totally. This is how my brain should think. But then five minutes later you totally forget it and fall back into unhealthy or negative thinking? I hate that!

I notice sometimes that I think super negatively on days when I should be rejoicing. Why is this? Spiritually speaking I know it's an attack and it's important to speak out against these lies/feelings. It's weird how certain weaknesses we have inside of us come back in full-bloom just when we think we've gotten over them. 

I don't know if this post will relate to everyone who reads it, but maybe some people will relate more than others. I hope so anyway. My whole life I've struggled with my weight but it wasn't until my senior year of high school that it really became a problem for me. I've always been on the ... "rounder" side, we'll call it. When I was little I was blissfully unaware and SO happy. All the way up until I was 17 I never cared about my weight. I knew I wasn't tiny, but it didn't bother me. I was always told by my mother I was beautiful and had encouraging/supportive friends so it didn't matter. 

But then senior year happened. I was going through a lot with a friend AND was about to move away to college so I channeled my anxiety into obsessing over my weight. I started to run everyday, which is great, but it became this thing I almost worshipped. I HAD to run or else I was in a terrible mood. I started counting calories. I was obsessed....all I thought about was food. I remember times sitting on my laptop, googling nutritional facts of fancy Starbucks drinks just so I could look at them but knowing I could never try them. How lame is that?! I was so weird. 

There was also that one time I burst into tears on a drama group field trip in front of my best friend, Laura, because I thought I ate too much or something? The memory is foggy but Laura and I laugh about it now even though at the time I was definitely acting cray-cray. 

I was practicing so many unhealthy habits! And even though I have moved on from this mentality, my relationship to food has never been the same. My weight is alwaaays changing and I know that is NORMAL. I am trying to find a happy-medium of enjoying food and being healthy and NOT obsessing. It's hard. Anyone who has ever struggled with eating/food/weight probably knows what I mean. 

The thing is, I don't want to turn my body into an idol. It is important to take care of myself, but I can't spend so many countless hours thinking of ways to change myself--instead I just need to EMBRACE myself! haha, I just made that up. Umm...anyway.

God doesn't want me to worship running, food or all. It always makes me close to crying when I think that God loves me the way I am--cuz Lord knows it is hard to love yourself the way you are! But God's mercies are new everyday and I love that...I love that even though I slip up, screw up, God is there to catch me. And the fact that God is always there makes me everyday want to work on getting closer to Him. 

I guess I am writing this post to just encourage anyone who struggles with this certain aspect in their life that you are not alone (cue inspirational slow-motion running music!) And it is important to remember that weight comes and goes--we are always changing. We are humans. And I really, really love thinking about the beauty in all shapes and forms. It's about positive thinking and praying. It's like, I need to train my mind to tell myself good things, you know? Like instead of, "Nina, DON'T eat that, you look bad, you need to look like her" I need to say "I am a daughter of the KING. That is where my identity is. I am beautiful and I am loved." 

We ALL need to say this to ourselves. And there's probably people reading this that are rolling their eyes or thinking I'm being super cheesy, but if just one person reads this that understands where I'm coming from....well, then bring on the cheese! Cheese is good. I love cheese. 

Anyway. These thoughts were just in my head when I woke up this morning and I wanted to get them out.