Friday, July 8, 2011

how to get dumped by a guy in a foreign country in 10 days






 Unfortunately, my ending doesn't really coincide with the Hollywood Hudson-Mcconaughey ending that we got to watch unfold on the silverscreen. Mine actually resulted in what mostly happens in too-soon relationships: I got dumped.

Bad.

Friends, listen up. I am not afraid to say that I was dumped. And the worst part was? I wasn't even in my homeland!! Talk about culture shock. I blame it all on chick flicks. Stupid Leap Year. Stupid P.S. I Love You. 

Stupid every movie, book and television show that taught me dating a guy with an Irish accent would be cool, romantic, story-book esque and awesome.


Also, note to self: Just because a guy has an accent, is tall and Christian does not mean he should be your boyfriend. 

 Okay, sure, it was fun to say that my boyfriend was from a different country, but mostly it was full of little fights that were the result of cultural differences (YES it is perfectly acceptable for me to get a gumball at the grocery store and eat peanut-butter on my apple...NO, I don't like beans on toast), lots of worries because of the distance, and caused me to have a terrible experience with turbulence en route to Ireland, which I will always blame ex-Irish-boyfriend for. Also, the excuse, 'I crossed the Atlantic ocean for you!' gets kinda old after awhile. But heck, when I got dumped, let me tell you I felt incredibly entitled to yelling "I CROSSED THE ATLANTIC OCEAN FOR YOU!" at his tea-drinking, Wellies-wearing self. But I didn't. I cried, holed myself up in my guest room and skyped with my mom and sisters.

Talk about getting dumped. Yikes.


Like, I'm not talking an amicable breakup or even "mutual." You know when someone is no longer dating someone else and they're all like "Oh, dude, it was mutual, it was mutual." Um yeahhh, I wish it had been mutual and as soon as I landed on American soil you best believe I knew it was mutual, but can I just say how awful it is to have your boyfriend break up with you in Ireland, in his house, then drive back to school twenty minutes later and leave you there while you go back and forth between crying under the covers and reading The Hunger Games and THEN have his father drive you to the airport the next morning? 


TALK ABOUT AWKWARD. 


This guy-who-shall-not-be-named (I almost wish he had been Voldemort because then, at least, I'd know Hogwarts is real :-/) and I had met working at a summer camp in the summer of 2010. We got along easy enough, and then at the end realized, wah-lahhh, we had feelings for each other and decided, WHAT THE HECK! Long-distance, shmall-shmistance....it's romantic! It's an adventure!! It will be cool to tell all your friends!!


....it will inevitably lead to you getting dumped 10 days after you land in Ireland for New Years. 


Guys, it really sucked. For..a little bit. But then when I was home a day after the break-up, I was absolutely fine. And you know why? It's because the minute someone treats me like crap, or expresses they are no longer into me, it's like the whole infatuation/whateveryawannacallit deflates. Part of the attraction to someone is how they treat me, ya know? Like if a guy shows genuine, sincere interest in me then that captures my interest a little. Like you, swoopy haired, moleskin journaling boy who waved at me after NYU graduation, I know we could really have something!! (Just kidding guys...but seriously, NYU grad, holla at me, especially if you studied medicine or law....)  And the minute this whole relationship went from Gerard Butler/Hilary Swank to 'Not Without My Daughter' style, my breaking heart suddenly mended itself. 


What did I take away from being dumped in a foreign country by a guy in 10 days?


1. Don't rush.
In retrospect, we never should have dated anyway. We were better off as friends because then at least I could still chew gumballs to my pleasure and he could have avoided a crying American in his parents house. 
2. Travel ALWAYS
Even though the second time I flew to Ireland the entire trip was tainted, I still got to see a lot of a pretty cool country that I no longer want to visit ever, but still liked! Traveling is boss. Everyone should travel. Preferably with friends. Or your spouse. 
3. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE MAKES YOU FEEL CRAZY DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE CRAZY!
This is arguably the most important thing I learned throughout this whole crazy fiasco that I sometimes like to pretend never happened. Sometimes someone will call you mean things like "manipulative" or "dramatic" or say something like "you're like begging me to stay with you, aren't you?" when YOU simply said "do you wanna try and work through this?" AHAHAHAH. Guys, listen up. DO NOT BELIEVE THESE SILLY LIES. This is like a red-flag in a relationship. Sometimes, yeah, you might be a little emotional or dramatic...but that's LIFE. It doesn't mean YOU are CRAZY. I hate this! I hate when people make OTHER people feel crazy. And it's not just guys making girls think they're crazy, it can be vice versa too. All I'm saying is that when in a relationship, everyone should own their own actions/feelings. After being told I was "forcing" he-who-must-not-be-named to break up with me because I kept asking him, "what's wrong?" (umm, he ignored me in group settings and wouldn't look me in the eye for two days???) I realized something. It's not always me. Sure, I wasn't the perfect girlfriend. BUT HE WASN'T THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND EITHER. And that's okay. That's why we broke up. But it doesn't mean I'm defective in a relationship. This is important to remember. It just means dating a guy who doesn't know who Tina Fey is and has never had a girlfriend before is probably not the BEST idea....
4. Listen to your mother
I like this one because I really, REALLY should have listened to her! It's like moms have this sense that when their daughters are unhappy and scared, they just KNOW the situation is wrong and needs to change ASAP. After one day of being in Ireland I was already on the phone with my mom that night in tears and my mom was telling me to come home.  After ten days of being in Ireland, I was hiding in the bathroom on the phone with my mom in tears and she WAS STILL TELLING ME TO COME HOME.
mom: what's wrong????!
me: he's being weird! i just wanna come home :( (i actually frowned here people)
mom: WHAT?!
me: he ignored me and said i was manipulative.
mom: DUMP HIS ASS! COME HOME! WE ALL LOVE YOU HERE! 
me: but....but--
mom: are you crazy? if you aren't being treated the way you know you should be treated, get on a flight and peace out!


* * * 
momma always right yo.


5. Just because he wasn't very nice doesn't mean all guys are like that.
This is the one that is hardest to understand and abide by. Ugh. After this experience I wanted to swear off men forever. I wanted to glare at every Y chromosome that passed my way. And I think every girl who is dumped is entitled to this short period of man-hating/bashing time....BUT ONLY TEMPORARILY. It's actually really healing to sit with your girlfriends and cry and say everything you hate about boys...because you know, deep down, you don't really hate them. You just kinda hate the one that hurt you. There are really, really amazing men out there. Good guys. The Jim Halperts and Tom Hansens of the world. 


It's important to not grow bitter. I am really starting to learn this and I think it is very important when dealing with all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones. Call me optimistic, I DON'T CARE, but I genuinely believe that God has the right man out there for me...somewhere (preferably on the same continent, but whatevs) and you know what? I'm not rushing it and I'm not looking for it. It's freeing to just not...care. That doesn't mean closing myself off from every man I come into contact with and proudly parading around chanting, "I'M NEVER GETTING MARRIED! BWHAHA. I'M SO STRONG. SO COOL. SCREW MEN!" ... I mean, yeah, I AM strong and I AM pretty cool, but I'm still a romantic. So when it happens, it happens and it will be great. But why worry?


Guys, listen...I'm not a relationship or dating expert. AT ALL. But I really think that with each bad dating experience we have 1. makes for an interesting story 2. shapes us as people. It's legit, a part of life. You're not a freak if you get dumped and YOU ARE NOT CRAZY (see #3). 


You are beautiful.
You are special.
You are not perfect.
You deserve good things.
You deserve a good relationship.
You shouldn't obsess over finding love.
You should know that you are worth the best.


After getting dumped in a foreign country by a guy in 10 days, I actually love myself and have confidence in myself even more. I look back and think, 'Dang girl. That sucks. But dust that dirt off ya shoulders. Ladies is pimps too!" So what if I talk like Jay-Z in my own brain? Also, I don't think I am a pimp, but I just like saying ladies is pimps too....okay, I digress.


What I'm trying to say is everybody gets dumped. But also, a lot of people fall in love too. And it's a good feeling to know that someone can hurt you and you can get through it and come out on the other side even better. So let's just enjoy the ride and remember: 


Every girl deserves a Colin Firth a la Love, Actually. Homeboy went to HER homeland. Mhm.








10 comments:

  1. i like number 5! :) been in two relationships, and been dumped, hmm lets see, twice. i'll find her one of these days.

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  2. I like 3. It's always good to remember that people say things in anger that aren't true and that they might not even mean themselves. Never let what someone says about you, define who you are :)

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  3. I like number 3 as well. During my last (and only heh) break up, I'm pretty sure I was legitimately certifiable. BUT I blame him for that (for the most part).

    Sounds like a really terrible situation he put you in. It makes for an interesting story (hey, you could make it a movie maybe), but I can imagine how humiliating that drive to the airport was. Glad you took it in stride, though!

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  4. thank you all for reading!!!!!!!!!! <3

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  5. Oh wow, so sorry to hear this. Just stumbled upon your blog - great list of things you learned, especially number 5.

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  6. True that gangsta!

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  7. Ok...gotta say I love #4's momma kicking some seriously great advice: Dump him and come back home already! :)) Playing it straight up, I guess.

    But let me just say...I'm sorry it didn't work out for you and had to be so painfully tragic with you being overseas and all...however, like you so expertly pointed out...you have been left with 1. great story 2. Great new perspective and 3. You can say (with great dramatical effect) you've had an international affair that went sadly awry.

    But going with the Hillary Swank example...she totally ended up with another hot and perfectly perfect guy at the end so there is lots of hope and certainty for that future good guy...(even though the beginning situations differed just a bit between you both). Ok...I should probably stop now, though.

    Great insights. Thanks for sharing :))
    Jeanine

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  8. You're so wonderful, Nina. Stupid Irish boy. Love this post. :) And yes, your Mr. Right is out there. And he'll be great, because you deserve nothing less.

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  9. Nina, I'm just reading this on 2/2/12. What writing talent you have. I think every young lady or guy..should read this. I know I'll refer my girls to it for some cool comforting when they need it. Life is crazy isn't it! You are a better person girl.....and you're prince charming...well wait till he gets a look at you!!!
    xo, God Bless, keep spreading love and joy, it's the only way!

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  10. Oh my god, I LOVE THIS. I was just dumped by my boyfriend in Vietnam. We actually went there together from Colorado and he said "he fell in love with Vietnam and out of love with me"....sold his house, got rid of me, and moved to Vietnam to teach English. I'm still grieving but I love your post and it gave me a new perspective on this nightmare of a situation. Being dumped in a foreign country blows.

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