Tuesday, July 26, 2011

the cover letter i wish i could send

Dear Company who says they are "hiring" but really are probably just moving people around WITHIN said company and therefore, probably won't hire me,

PLEASE HIRE ME! I NEED TO PAY BACK MY STUDENT LOANS. I am from a single parent home in the suburbs of Philadelphia and somehow, miraculously, got into New York University and it costs a fortune. I have a lot of loans. I need to pay them back. I REALLY NEED THIS JOB.

I know on my resume it says I studied drama, but I have a LOT of experience. I'm super good at faxing things, organizing things...Being an acting major means I'm enthusiastic, outgoing, and can deal with that one co-worker who is a little too eccentric for everyone else's taste and thinks they are Beyonce. I WILL tell them they're Beyonce and I WILL pretend like I'm interested in their latest novel they are writing on napkins at the local cafe because it's so Rowlingesque. I'm an ACTRESS. It comes in handy.

I know you're a really prestigious company, probably based in film/television production and I KNOW you look at my major and think, "Oh gosh, another actress trying to network..." But really. You won't regret hiring me. I also took writing courses at school! I was a lifeguard for several years of my adolescent life! I know CPR! First aid! I'M WELL-ROUNDED!

Listen, I WILL DO ANYTHING. Let me specifiy. Anything that is NOT inappropriate or compromising to my dignity as a woman and/or human being. But I WILL do the jobs that the other UPenn and Cornell and Columbia graduates won't do. Because I'm from NYU, where the Ivy-League rejects go under the cover of, "Columbia just isn't...edgy enough for me." You want a caramel macchiato at 7:00am on the dot? I'm your girl. You want color-coordinated folders in the filing cabinet that no one will ever look at? I'M CREATIVE AND LOVE COLORS. You want someone to tell the clients that they are talented and WILL be cast in something? See two paragraphs above.

Listen. I'm just a girl trying to follow her dreams and make a buck in the process. I've worked in a bakery, at a summer camp, I can slice deli meat, I was an office assistant, I can guard lives. Just give me a chance and hire me. I know I'll be a good addition to your team. PLUS I watch a lot of E! and Bravo and will be able to contribute witty commentary around the water-cooler after last night's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians! (I know, I can't believe Kendall Jenner's on birth control EITHER!!)

So please. I implore you. Hire me. 

Love (because the heck with Sincerely, I'm all about love in the workplace!)


  1. Can I buy this cover letter from you? Seriously...I'll just switch out the acting stuff with how being an education major means I truly care about humanity.

  2. If you don't hired with this, there is no good in this world.

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! :D This is brilliant!! Love it. Also...I own the journal you have in your blog header. I got it because it reminded me of D.C., but it's probably NY to you. :P

  4. Brilliant! I'd hire you as my assistant if I could afford it.

  5. You are a genius!!!!! I hire you in a NY minute!

  6. Also, I gave you an award: http://tinyurl.com/3mpbkc8

  7. I think I've just fallen in blogger-love with someone based on a cover letter. Amazing!

  8. This is absolutely hilarious. If you are looking at a creative job - use it. Nobody wants to blend in with the pack anyway.

  9. The cover letter is so important and I think that alot of people don't take the time to make sure that it is good..

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