Sunday, July 31, 2011

through the wardrobe

Guys, I am very grateful for this blog for different reasons. Today I am grateful that it is a place I can write from my heart and with each different season of my life or mood that I'm in. On the days I'm feeling happy and light, my writing reflects that. When I'm cranky, I'm pretty sure you can tell through my writing as well. Today is a day where I feel vulnerable. Not in a bad way....not sure in what kind of way, I am just feeling open and vulnerable. I think sometimes it's perfectly okay to feel this way, ya know?

Anyway, today I'ma get real with you guys. This post is about sadness and dealing with sadness. Sadness is a part of life, unavoidable and there. I don't think it's good to dwell in a place of sadness, but it's definitely okay to feel sad sometimes. I don't know how boys deal with their sadness or even other girls but I know how I deal with mine. 

Isn't it weird how sadness can just creep up on you? Yesterday I thought I was having a good day. Work went really well, everyone was nice, we weren't too busy. I came home and then I felt the first little prickles of sadness creeping in. Something happened, (small and stupid) that trigged the full beast of sadness. I went from being a little on edge to this overwhelming sense of...I just don't like this feeling.

It was one of those feelings that made me crawl in bed, get under the covers and cry. I know it's like, cool and hip and all to be like "Ughh, I don't cry! That's for losers." But like, okay guys for 1. I'm Puerto Rican and Italian AND a girl so already my emotions are on steroids and 2. I'm about to move away from everyone I know and love so my emotions are on steroids. So yeah...I cried. Big, wallopy, five-year-old tears that made the snot rivers flow and my eyes red. I didn't say it was gonna be pretty. 

My sister Rebecca (who writes an awesome blog HERE) tried to get me out of bed, bless her soul. I shut her down and kept to myself in my room and you know what I did? I opened up my laptop, pulled up iTUNES and put on my playlist entitled "Through the Wardrobe." It's all instrumental music from the Narnia movies and basically makes me feel cozier than anything EVER (because, let's be honest, the only thing cozier is Hogwarts at Christmas and I haven't experienced that...YET). 

Listening to the music took me so far away I just wanted to hug something. I don't know how you guys deal with sadness, but this made my heart feel better. And then Rebecca FORCED me to take a shower and that actually made me feel best, like I was literally washing away the bad feelings I had inside me.

I don't know the point of this post. I guess....I just think it's so easy to read someone's blog and think, "Wow, they are so happy, their life is wonderful!" I just think life isn't (obviously) like that. There are dark days as well as days full of so much light your face hurts from smiling. 

I sometimes wonder why God made me the way I am. I'm sure you guys have wondered a similar thought. Sometimes I really do wish I could be different. I think, "God...why DID you make me such a bookworm and nerdy and did you REALLY have to give me all this curly hair and chubby cheeks?" And then, when I was lying in bed yesterday listening to my Narnia music and feeling so blue I KNEW God was right there with me, holding me and pouring his love on me. And I knew God was looking out for me in giving me two sisters who I love more than I thought I could love another human being. And I saw Christ shining through Rebecca yesterday when she didn't roll her eyes at my little meltdown but instead stuck with me, sat on my bed, forced me to go out and you know what? I ended up having a wonderful night. 

God makes us all the way we are for a reason. Sure, I don't know those reasons exactly but I am comforted by this. And sadness shmadness. It comes, it goes. Don't feel like a freak if one day you are happy and the next day you just want to cry or yell or run. I think it's beautiful and amazing the human being can experience such feeling. It's important to learn how to deal with these things. I don't know. Ya know?

Anyway. Point of this post? Sometimes, you just need a good cry and your little sister to force you to take a shower to make you a feel a whole lot better.

I like this picture. Has all my favorite things--the ocean and people I love.

Friday, July 29, 2011

a birthday post

Because I didn't have my computer around yesterday I didn't get a chance to post this on my blog but it's been floating around in my head for awhile. And yes, it's a day after the birthday but that is due to 1. no computer 2. well, birthdays usually seep into the afterglow of the next day, right? I hope this person forgives me that the post is today but hopefully it still means relatively the same thing.

There are some friendships that are like seasons. Come and go in our lives only for a small amount of time, or for a very specific reason. I think God brings people into our lives but can also take them out again. I think back over the years and all of my friends--I can honestly count on my hands how many people I've talked to for more than ten years. And by "talk to" I mean I still consider a very close friend, someone I share life with daily and not just random emails or posts or cards every so many years. I mean daily friendships. That is to not take away from those other friendships though--some of the people I consider close friends I never see and only talk to sporadically but we are still close--now I'm rambling. You get what I mean though, right?

Anyway, I want to take this post to talk about one very special friendship to me, a friend who I definitely, 100% believe God brought into my life as a gift and one I am so grateful for.

I first met Chanelle at an NYU Campus Crusade for Christ meeting in 2008. Which is wild...that was 3 years ago! Holy moly. She was in my small group and my first memory of Chanelle was being intimidated by her. Not because she was unfriendly or anything but the very first time I can remember her it was during a CRU meeting and she went up to the front, grabbed the microphone and started doing some silly hooplah and talking about "Club Chanelle" and everyone was just laughing or good-naturedly shaking their heads and I thought, "Dang, this girl's got guts." Little did I know how many times I'd be up there next to her, grabbing the mic and doing something absolutely ridiculous...probably rapping. Comedically. You know, it's what we're known for: us rapping about nick jonas

haha, here's a picture of us when we didn't really even know each other. I'm on the far right, Chanelle on the far left. We've been close for what feels like so long it's weird to think we weren't really even friends. Bwhaha..

It wasn't until my very first time going to a "Club Chanelle" that I really felt like I could call Chanelle and the group of Cru hooligans friends. For those of you who, unfortunately, don't know what Club Chanelle is, it's basically a gigantic dance party. Mostly impromptu, ALWAYS awesome.

My first Club Chanelle. I should have known--it should have been deemed  a "sign" that the minute I found other people--Chanelle in particular--who loved 'Shake Ya Tailfeather' as much as I did AND dancing (that slightly resembles convulsing) as much as I did, I'd found something really, really special.

The rest of that spring semester of Freshman year of college went pretty well. I still wasn't really close to Chanelle, but I had definitely decided I would come back to Cru. The next fall I went to the Cru retreat and I think that is when I decided these people were my friends. We weren't just laughing or cracking jokes or talking about the classes we were taking. We were beginning to share life--or rather, I was beginning to share life with them since I was relatively a late starter. We all had a central similarity--we loved the Creator of the Universe. I felt with Cru what I felt with my Young Life friends--something deeper than just friendship. We were tied together by something greater than this world and that really did make a difference. But this post isn't about Cru, even though I LOVE Cru! It's about Ol Crippy.

Which brings me to Spring Semester 2009 or the "Golden" semester as Chanelle and I like to call it. For some reason, all I can remember from this semester (second year) is frolicking through meadows, making fun videos and dancing/laughing all the time. Okay, there wasn't meadow frolicking because, and let's be honest, NYC has minimal meadows. But that is a trivial matter....anyway. It was also the semester I realized Chanelle was one of my best friends. Countless times we'd head over to the Grammercy Lounge, the swanky new dorm where neither of us lived, and hang out, making videos and cracking up. We also played intramural basketball together with some of our guy friends AND WON THE FREAKING CHAMPIONSHIP! OH YEAH. I could go on and on about that semester, but the one thing I need to point out is this semester was the birth of Girl Conception (absolutely a pun intended). Somehow Chanelle and I discovered over the course of NYU busrides, lunches in Weinstein and walks around campus that we both had a passion for rapping and making people laugh. So we combined them and made the juvenile but delightful "Crucio Dat Swine Flu" ... we made one that is probably more than midly offensive and fortunately not on our youtube page ( rapping became something fun, a hobby that we both enjoyed immensely. And can I just say thank you to all of our friends at NYU and elsewhere that supported Girl Conception and made appearances in our videos? Seriously. We know we annoyed you at times with our "Come on, just do it, dress up like a zombie and run around the NYU dining hall where everyone can see you, it'll be FUNNY!" ....yeah, thanks guys, so much. I'll love you forever for those times.

A picture from the Golden Semester with our dear friend Steph who often shared in our late night Grammercy excursions, probably because she actually lived in Grammercy.....

Fast forward that summer....I was living in NYC doing an internship at a theatre, Chanelle was at home and studying abroad in Greece but we kept in touch almost everyday AND we got to see each other for a week. Chanelle came to NYC to visit with our mutual friend from NYU and that week was the week that I can say forever changed our lives. Okay, that's a BIT dramatic, but it was so, so signficant. For one, we got to see the Jonas Brothers for FREE. (awesome. cute. boys. singing. badly. still. cute. SIGH!)  and we got to make our music video for our most popular and my favorite rap, "Nick Jonas" (see link all the way above). When we came back that fall we started to just toss around the idea of what it could look like if Girl Conception was more than just a hobby but a career choice.

Our EP or DVD or whatever it is. Pretty legit, can't you tell?

 I would say from our junior year of NYU to our final senior semester we performed every chance we could get.

This isn't us performing but it's us with Angelina Jolie's dad, Jon Voight. I just had to include it. He asked us what we were up to that night. We didn't answer.

And now to us performing:

From silly dances where we just HAD to lay down the Hoedown Throwdown (Miley would be so proud!)

To finagling our way into NYU events with hundreds of people (it had nothing to do with the fact I was on the Relay for Life committee AND it was 3am)

To spitting fire in the Empire State Building in front of a bunch of Christians:

To performing our hit "Campus Crusade Gurls" (a special version of Katy Perry's California Gurls) at a Cru Metro retreat.

Each time was so much fun. We didn't just rap, we made sketch after sketch, trying out each ridiculous idea that popped into our heads. There was also that one time we re-enacted the entire movie of Titanic in about 3 minutes. Girl Conception made my college years some of the most joy-filled, laughter-filled years ever. Combine that with amazing friends in general and an amazing city....yeah, college was pretty dang awesome.

I write all this about Girl Conception to bring it back to Chanelle being an amazing friend. She is extremely selfless, extremely talented and never holds grudges. Anyone who is friends with Chanelle can see Christ shining through her. She is also just FUN to be around. I think 75% of the time we spend together is peeing our pants...LAUGHING people, jeeze. And the fact that she loves Jesus so much AND we can talk about serious stuff? It's's one of those friendships that I really thank God for. They are rare in this world. I have only a few of these kinds of friendships and each one is so dear to my heart. And I know Chanelle understands this--anyone who's spent time with Chanelle and her best friend since childhood (and equally as hilarious) Beth can see that God really does give us the gift of friendship. I was lucky enough to meet Beth more than once and each time I was amazed at how hilarious and real their friendship was but also how awesome it was to be welcomed by her. God, you done good with this whole friends thing. It's all You. 

I can't believe August 27th Chanelle and I will take only our suitcases of clothes and move to Los Angeles to pursue our dreams. I am so excited and so glad I get to do this with one of my best friends. Who knows what God has planned for us--I am just so excited to be on the journey with Ol' Crippy aka Ol' Snippy aka Hot Chocolate. (We also love giving ourselves rap names).

So...happy birthday Chanelle. You da bomb.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

the cover letter i wish i could send

Dear Company who says they are "hiring" but really are probably just moving people around WITHIN said company and therefore, probably won't hire me,

PLEASE HIRE ME! I NEED TO PAY BACK MY STUDENT LOANS. I am from a single parent home in the suburbs of Philadelphia and somehow, miraculously, got into New York University and it costs a fortune. I have a lot of loans. I need to pay them back. I REALLY NEED THIS JOB.

I know on my resume it says I studied drama, but I have a LOT of experience. I'm super good at faxing things, organizing things...Being an acting major means I'm enthusiastic, outgoing, and can deal with that one co-worker who is a little too eccentric for everyone else's taste and thinks they are Beyonce. I WILL tell them they're Beyonce and I WILL pretend like I'm interested in their latest novel they are writing on napkins at the local cafe because it's so Rowlingesque. I'm an ACTRESS. It comes in handy.

I know you're a really prestigious company, probably based in film/television production and I KNOW you look at my major and think, "Oh gosh, another actress trying to network..." But really. You won't regret hiring me. I also took writing courses at school! I was a lifeguard for several years of my adolescent life! I know CPR! First aid! I'M WELL-ROUNDED!

Listen, I WILL DO ANYTHING. Let me specifiy. Anything that is NOT inappropriate or compromising to my dignity as a woman and/or human being. But I WILL do the jobs that the other UPenn and Cornell and Columbia graduates won't do. Because I'm from NYU, where the Ivy-League rejects go under the cover of, "Columbia just isn't...edgy enough for me." You want a caramel macchiato at 7:00am on the dot? I'm your girl. You want color-coordinated folders in the filing cabinet that no one will ever look at? I'M CREATIVE AND LOVE COLORS. You want someone to tell the clients that they are talented and WILL be cast in something? See two paragraphs above.

Listen. I'm just a girl trying to follow her dreams and make a buck in the process. I've worked in a bakery, at a summer camp, I can slice deli meat, I was an office assistant, I can guard lives. Just give me a chance and hire me. I know I'll be a good addition to your team. PLUS I watch a lot of E! and Bravo and will be able to contribute witty commentary around the water-cooler after last night's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians! (I know, I can't believe Kendall Jenner's on birth control EITHER!!)

So please. I implore you. Hire me. 

Love (because the heck with Sincerely, I'm all about love in the workplace!)

Monday, July 25, 2011

My 7 links

So this is pretty exciting!! I got nominated by Sarah at-- -- to participate in this 7 links challenge! I love the blog community and this is a great way to connect people through the blogosphere! 

To unite bloggers (from all sectors) in a joint endeavor to share lessons learned and create a bank of long but not forgotten blog posts that deserve to see the light of day again.
1)     Blogger is nominated to take part
2)     Blogger publishes his/her 7 links on his/her blog – 1 link for each category
3)     Blogger nominates up to 5 more bloggers to take part.
(Feel free to nominate any kind of blog to take part – we want this project to be as inclusive as possible!)
4)     These bloggers publish their 7 links and nominate another 5 more bloggers
5)    And so it goes on!
6)    We’ll be sharing the best posts from participating bloggers on our blog and everyday onFacebook and Twitter at #My7Links
My Links!!
- My most beautiful post: He really is SO into you . This one is dear to my's all about believing Jesus is really sooo into us!  

– Your most popular post: How to get dumped by a guy in a foreign country in 10 days haha. The title pretty much says it all.
– Your most controversial post: eh-eh-eh snarky . This could also be titled "Keep your clothes on." Yeahhh. 
– Your most helpful post: mischief managed: on the defense of pranks A how-to on becoming the best prankster evahhh!!! 
– A post whose success surprised you: yesterday was a good day this was one of those posts where I just talked about my day...I was afraid it'd be too boring but a lot of people seemed to read it! awesome! it really WAS a good day!
– A post you feel didn’t get the attention it deserved: a poem i wrote about being really cool I guess poetry just isn't as popular.
– The post that you are most proud of: my name is martha basically a love letter to my mama. GO MOMS!!!!
My nominations!!!
Chanelle - Just Sayin'
Britney - The Why

Keep on blogging!!!! (:

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Courage, dear heart!

It's one of those nights where my heart is feeling so anxious! Don't you hate those nights? Maybe I'll blame it on the latte I sipped while watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Deux for the fourth time in theatres...(don't worry, I didn't pay, I had a free movie pass so why not!!)...

There is something about sitting in a cold movie theatre that relaxes my heart for a little bit. But then I come home. And my room is completely turned upside down...for good reason, of course. My sister is taking my furniture that adorned my NYC apartment in the fall to her house where she'll live at school. Which makes complete sense...I can't take it to Los Angeles. It'd be silly. But still....walking into my room I've had since I was fifteen which hasn't changed all that much (should I be okay with that fact?) and seeing things disappear that just sends my heart beating a little too fast.

I want to reach out my arms and just give everything I know, everything I love, everything that is familiar a big hug and ask it to stay a little while longer. I'm used to change, as I've blogged about before.  I've been through changes! High school graduation! College! Breakups! New relationships! More breakups! Moving! New jobs! There's so many changes in life, I should be used to them, right?!

I can't express enough how excited I am to move to Los Angeles. I also can't express enough how scared I am. I'm not gonna pretend that it's going to be easy, that I'm super pumped all the time about it. My heart is a cozy, hole up in my bedroom, drink some tea, read a book, wear a sweater kind of heart. It's less of the adventure seeking, adrenaline rushing, I LOVE NEW THINGS ALL THE TIME kind of heart. But there's a little bit of that sprinkled in there too. 

Change is is in our everyday. Without change we miss out on wonderful parts of life. Without risk, without the possibility of failure, without failure itself we grow stagnant...the same everyday isn't the kind of life I want.

Not too long ago I was talking to a very dear friend of mine. She is one of the most beautiful and strong women I know. Anyone who talks to her can just see Christ shining through--her spirit is so gentle and loving and -- well, I could go on and on about her. She's awesome, basically. Anyway, we were talking about how in life we are always trying to reach a certain point. A certain plateau where we can finally say, "Ahh, yes, I've made it!" But a life with Jesus Christ isn't like that. There is no plateau. It's all a question of, "What next? Where do you want me next?" This can be so hard! We can finally get to that point of, "Ahhh" and then God is all like, "Heck no! Time to get going again." And that doesn't always mean physically's more than that. No matter where we are in life, God meets us there and wants to use us. I love that. I am comforted by that. 

So tonight, as I bask in the after-glow-wonderfulness of Harry's triumph of good over evil, I will be content with watching ABC family's Harry Potter marathon (I'm not THAT obsessed!) with my sisters, take a deep breath and embrace whatever God has next. 

Thought I'd share this photo with y'all. Isn't my sister beautiful? Both of my sisters are goregheads. Also, I want an iphone because then all your pictures look profesh. SO JEAL. I'll stop abbreving. Soo (that's short for soon). 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

yesterday was a good day

First off, can I just say--WOW! 49 followers?!?! That's 48 more than I ever could have hoped for! Seriously, you guys are awesome. And thank you to those who comment, I read them and love them and wish I could give you all HUGS without it being weird that I'm hugging some people I've never met! But seriously. I'm trying to find a better way of responding to comments--is it working when I comment back on the same post? I'm afraid no one ever sees that I reply back to them! Maybe I'll start doing reply back comments in the posts. I don't know. Anyway LYLAS/LYLAB to you ALL! (if you don't know what that means you were never 12 years old and had a screenname...and I congratulate you).

Yesterday was a good day guys. This is one of those posts where I'm just gonna talk about my day...I don't usually do this, but I just feel like it today. It is what it is. Anyway...yesterday was GOOD. For one, it was my first day off in 8 days. Hallelujah! Working that much is exhausting but I need every penny for Californiaaa, so I am happy to do it, but it is REALLY nice to have a day off. But a day off is never really a day off, huh? I woke up early and hit the gym and was STRUGGLING. Working out in the morning is the hardest for me. My energy is super low and my body just aches. Ideally, I'd work out at 6pm everyday, but I knew yesterday was going to be busy and I wanted to just get the workout done. 

After the gym I showered and threw on my bathing suit! AH! I love putting on swimwear. It just screams summer. I took my little sister to her lifeguarding job and since she was only sitting for an hour, I decided to lay out and do some reading. I just started Shauna Niequist's Bittersweet. 

So far I really like it. It's a blog/essay style book with thoughts on faith, spirituality and life...finding the good and the beautiful in the bittersweet moments. It is really speaking to me in this season of my life. Reading it yesterday was so peaceful--isn't reading in the sun the best? I love reading on the beach....but I can deal with poolside too. Anyway. So often I find myself thinking everyone else but me has got their life together. This can especially ring true in Christian communities. Everyone else does dedicated quiet times, volunteers, has dinner parties, journals....I'm the only one who isn't perfect. LIES! Of course it's all lies. No one is perfect. But there's something about reading another's words, crafted together eloquently that I just love and is just so encouraging. Especially being a woman reading another woman's words. I love it. 

After my reading time I took my sister to King of Prussia mall to find an outfit for a special occasion in her life. I am so proud of myself that I drove on a four lane highway! Guys, you don't know what this means for me! I went to college in NYC, I missed out on 3.5 years of driving! Anyway, I was proud of myself. And I love the KOP mall. It's so clean and pretty and....exhausting. 

Finally I got to see my best friend Laura, who is usually up in Boston for school. She's an amazingly talented singer who goes to Berklee for music therapy. She's been my best friend since my sophomore year of high school and I can honestly say nothing much has changed in our friendship. We still laugh until we pee. We still act ridiculous and cry sometimes. I am so grateful and blessed for her friendship. It's not often you have a friend that you can so totally be yourself. I feel like I don't have to hide anything from Laura. I never feel judged by her, never feel like I'm not good enough. She is the closest thing to another sister that I can have. Anyway, I love spending time with her because it doesn't happen often. We're always in separate states! We had a good time last night....I finally got to try out my new longboard! I am in the process of buying it off a guy at work, but he let me take it anyway. It is a lot of fun! I'm hoping to get better and more confident. I still have to figure out how to turn. I love summertime! I love the buzz of the morning, the sticky air, the crunchy sun-burnt skin, the smell of an air-conditioned room. I LOVE IT ALL! (:

Here's I am cruising. Don't you love how instagram makes everyone an instant photographer? Bwhahah.

In this last month that I am home, I am trying to enjoy the daily sweet moments. Trying not to get too anxious. Like the fact I still don't have a job out in California...I know God has a plan, I just wish I knew what it was!!! Shnykies. But I am trusting. And preparing...spiritually, emotionally, physically. I am excited.

Today I am grateful for real and true friendships. The kind where you don't need to see or talk everyday to know you are connected by something deeper. It's a wonderful and sweet part of life! 

Friday, July 15, 2011

a poem i wrote about being really cool.

I am a bad b-u-t-t
I am a bad butt
I’m so bad I won’t even CUSS, you won’t hear those words starting in my gut
Crawling up through my ribcage and spreading their VENOM cause
Heck NO
I am so cool,
Cussing is below me.
I eat unrinsed strawberries cuz PESTACIDES don’t own me!
I take my coffee either black or with so much sugar I give myself cavities
I wait for my mail so the mailman’s confused and wonders what issue does this girl have with me?
Yeah I cuddle with my cat and he ain’t even declawed
And heck yes I drive at the speed limit, I’m so badbutt I refuse to break the law
Yeah I go to Goodwill with my Grandma which makes me badder than those hipsters
Who rep Brooklyn with their TOMS and keychains big framed glasses make them wish for
Something so vintage like a senior citizen Wednesday afternoon discount
So I get my jeans at 1.50 as I badbutt two-step off the sidewalk drop a nice dismount.
I blare Ke$ha and Gaga in my car cause those girls are so deep
True artists they know of the world’s suffering and deceit
I go through yellow lights and ignore the hater’s beeps
Heck YES I pick up my little sister from school at 2:30 p – m
And sometimes at nighttime I think she might be my only friend…
But that doesn’t matter because I am a bad b-u-t-t
I finished college at NYU heck, I got my Bachelor’s Degree
I destroyed that deans list walked away with a 4.0
I’m so bad I wear clothes that cover me up and skin I just don’t show
Me and my friend saw TANGLED in the movies in the middle of the day
And I cried when they sang that duet on the boat and I’m STILL okay!
I’m so bad I even go to church every Sunday and I LIKE it
I drive myself too because heck I gotta LISCENSE
I drink diet coke at a club because drunk people smell and sometimes scare me,
I listen to musicals before I go out with my friends, people say turn it off and I’m like, DARE ME!
I like that reading Narnia in an air conditioned room is my idea of a beautiful moment,
and when my IPOD comes on shuffle you hear old school Nelly tracks & the soundtrack to Atonement
People say I’m weird but I’m like….you’re weird?
People say it’s embarrassing, but I’m like…no fear!
I feel my heart pat pat against my chest in the middle of the night,
My own mortality astonishes me and I think it’s an ever-losing fight
To claw – rip – shred against the world’s views of what I should be molded to be
Bad – cool – rebellious –
Adjectives that are the very opposite of me
So as the seconds minutes wander and tick slowly quickly by
I’ll just relax into the arms of God and let out a contented sigh
Because even though the world says I’m not cool enough, I’m free
to be satisfied in the knowledge that I’m the only me. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Guys, as much as I want to write a love letter to the Harry Potter books on the eve of the midnight premier of Deathly Hallows, I can't because something greater is on my heart. Besides, I already blogged my love for those books in my old tumblr. If anyone is interested in that you can go here:

Anyway, like my title suggests, this is not about Harry Potter. 

(but for those of you who don't know I'm really freaking excited for tomorrow night!!! as pictured above with Hedwig. Eeep!


Have you ever felt like you are always running after something that just keeps on slipping away? Like, a goal of some sort or a place. I feel like so often in my life I'm chasing something, always just wanting to move move get to the next place. Part of that is good...I like adventure, new experiences and meeting new people. But it can also be really hard, too. Sometimes I think "Well, if I go HERE, then I'll truly be happy." Or, "If I just lose ten more pounds, then I will love myself completely." You know what I mean?

I hate this because I don't want to miss the journey God is taking me on right now. So often my eyes are turned toward an end result and I can't even sit still and be grateful for the moment that I am in. I wonder...what would be different about my life if I truly woke up each morning and thought, "God, today with You is simply enough." I know that I say this in my heart, but do I believe it? Can I believe it?

I can. And I want to. I don't want to wake up one morning in a new city and realize I've been chasing something that has always been there...all along. There is beauty in this season of life, wherever I am right now. 

Guys, I just want to encourage you. To know that even if where you are isn't necessarily where you want to be, there are blessings all around. Aaaaand cue the corny motivational music! No, but for real. It's like, okay, yeah I'm extremely buried in student loans. Okay, yeah I hate my job right now. And yes, there are certain relationships in my life that aren't where they should be. But I need to relax, breathe and know that God is doing something amazing with my life. With all of our lives!

Being jealous over someone else's life is wasted energy. I was just talking to my mom about this the other day. It's so true....Everyday I want to embrace the life the Maker of the Universe has planned for me. 

Sigh. So many thoughts always racing through my brain! I have to say, this week hasn't been too bad though. I've been working a LOT, but all that money is going towards California which is super exciting. (: Each day that gets closer to August 27th, I get a little scared but mostly there is this freeing sense of...'ahhhh.'

Anyway. Just had this little blog post on my heart and thought I'd share with everyone. Also, does anyone else out there LOVE when the air conditioning is so cold you can wear a sweater to bed? It's my favorite!!! Love being cozy on summer nights. Maybe I'll go watch Pride & Prejudice or continue reading 'Voyage of the Dawn Treader' close to being done Narnia! Woo!

Love & cozysummernightsnomnomnom,

Friday, July 8, 2011

how to get dumped by a guy in a foreign country in 10 days

 Unfortunately, my ending doesn't really coincide with the Hollywood Hudson-Mcconaughey ending that we got to watch unfold on the silverscreen. Mine actually resulted in what mostly happens in too-soon relationships: I got dumped.


Friends, listen up. I am not afraid to say that I was dumped. And the worst part was? I wasn't even in my homeland!! Talk about culture shock. I blame it all on chick flicks. Stupid Leap Year. Stupid P.S. I Love You. 

Stupid every movie, book and television show that taught me dating a guy with an Irish accent would be cool, romantic, story-book esque and awesome.

Also, note to self: Just because a guy has an accent, is tall and Christian does not mean he should be your boyfriend. 

 Okay, sure, it was fun to say that my boyfriend was from a different country, but mostly it was full of little fights that were the result of cultural differences (YES it is perfectly acceptable for me to get a gumball at the grocery store and eat peanut-butter on my apple...NO, I don't like beans on toast), lots of worries because of the distance, and caused me to have a terrible experience with turbulence en route to Ireland, which I will always blame ex-Irish-boyfriend for. Also, the excuse, 'I crossed the Atlantic ocean for you!' gets kinda old after awhile. But heck, when I got dumped, let me tell you I felt incredibly entitled to yelling "I CROSSED THE ATLANTIC OCEAN FOR YOU!" at his tea-drinking, Wellies-wearing self. But I didn't. I cried, holed myself up in my guest room and skyped with my mom and sisters.

Talk about getting dumped. Yikes.

Like, I'm not talking an amicable breakup or even "mutual." You know when someone is no longer dating someone else and they're all like "Oh, dude, it was mutual, it was mutual." Um yeahhh, I wish it had been mutual and as soon as I landed on American soil you best believe I knew it was mutual, but can I just say how awful it is to have your boyfriend break up with you in Ireland, in his house, then drive back to school twenty minutes later and leave you there while you go back and forth between crying under the covers and reading The Hunger Games and THEN have his father drive you to the airport the next morning? 


This guy-who-shall-not-be-named (I almost wish he had been Voldemort because then, at least, I'd know Hogwarts is real :-/) and I had met working at a summer camp in the summer of 2010. We got along easy enough, and then at the end realized, wah-lahhh, we had feelings for each other and decided, WHAT THE HECK! Long-distance,'s romantic! It's an adventure!! It will be cool to tell all your friends!! will inevitably lead to you getting dumped 10 days after you land in Ireland for New Years. 

Guys, it really sucked. For..a little bit. But then when I was home a day after the break-up, I was absolutely fine. And you know why? It's because the minute someone treats me like crap, or expresses they are no longer into me, it's like the whole infatuation/whateveryawannacallit deflates. Part of the attraction to someone is how they treat me, ya know? Like if a guy shows genuine, sincere interest in me then that captures my interest a little. Like you, swoopy haired, moleskin journaling boy who waved at me after NYU graduation, I know we could really have something!! (Just kidding guys...but seriously, NYU grad, holla at me, especially if you studied medicine or law....)  And the minute this whole relationship went from Gerard Butler/Hilary Swank to 'Not Without My Daughter' style, my breaking heart suddenly mended itself. 

What did I take away from being dumped in a foreign country by a guy in 10 days?

1. Don't rush.
In retrospect, we never should have dated anyway. We were better off as friends because then at least I could still chew gumballs to my pleasure and he could have avoided a crying American in his parents house. 
2. Travel ALWAYS
Even though the second time I flew to Ireland the entire trip was tainted, I still got to see a lot of a pretty cool country that I no longer want to visit ever, but still liked! Traveling is boss. Everyone should travel. Preferably with friends. Or your spouse. 
This is arguably the most important thing I learned throughout this whole crazy fiasco that I sometimes like to pretend never happened. Sometimes someone will call you mean things like "manipulative" or "dramatic" or say something like "you're like begging me to stay with you, aren't you?" when YOU simply said "do you wanna try and work through this?" AHAHAHAH. Guys, listen up. DO NOT BELIEVE THESE SILLY LIES. This is like a red-flag in a relationship. Sometimes, yeah, you might be a little emotional or dramatic...but that's LIFE. It doesn't mean YOU are CRAZY. I hate this! I hate when people make OTHER people feel crazy. And it's not just guys making girls think they're crazy, it can be vice versa too. All I'm saying is that when in a relationship, everyone should own their own actions/feelings. After being told I was "forcing" he-who-must-not-be-named to break up with me because I kept asking him, "what's wrong?" (umm, he ignored me in group settings and wouldn't look me in the eye for two days???) I realized something. It's not always me. Sure, I wasn't the perfect girlfriend. BUT HE WASN'T THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND EITHER. And that's okay. That's why we broke up. But it doesn't mean I'm defective in a relationship. This is important to remember. It just means dating a guy who doesn't know who Tina Fey is and has never had a girlfriend before is probably not the BEST idea....
4. Listen to your mother
I like this one because I really, REALLY should have listened to her! It's like moms have this sense that when their daughters are unhappy and scared, they just KNOW the situation is wrong and needs to change ASAP. After one day of being in Ireland I was already on the phone with my mom that night in tears and my mom was telling me to come home.  After ten days of being in Ireland, I was hiding in the bathroom on the phone with my mom in tears and she WAS STILL TELLING ME TO COME HOME.
mom: what's wrong????!
me: he's being weird! i just wanna come home :( (i actually frowned here people)
mom: WHAT?!
me: he ignored me and said i was manipulative.
me: but....but--
mom: are you crazy? if you aren't being treated the way you know you should be treated, get on a flight and peace out!

* * * 
momma always right yo.

5. Just because he wasn't very nice doesn't mean all guys are like that.
This is the one that is hardest to understand and abide by. Ugh. After this experience I wanted to swear off men forever. I wanted to glare at every Y chromosome that passed my way. And I think every girl who is dumped is entitled to this short period of man-hating/bashing time....BUT ONLY TEMPORARILY. It's actually really healing to sit with your girlfriends and cry and say everything you hate about boys...because you know, deep down, you don't really hate them. You just kinda hate the one that hurt you. There are really, really amazing men out there. Good guys. The Jim Halperts and Tom Hansens of the world. 

It's important to not grow bitter. I am really starting to learn this and I think it is very important when dealing with all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones. Call me optimistic, I DON'T CARE, but I genuinely believe that God has the right man out there for me...somewhere (preferably on the same continent, but whatevs) and you know what? I'm not rushing it and I'm not looking for it. It's freeing to just That doesn't mean closing myself off from every man I come into contact with and proudly parading around chanting, "I'M NEVER GETTING MARRIED! BWHAHA. I'M SO STRONG. SO COOL. SCREW MEN!" ... I mean, yeah, I AM strong and I AM pretty cool, but I'm still a romantic. So when it happens, it happens and it will be great. But why worry?

Guys, listen...I'm not a relationship or dating expert. AT ALL. But I really think that with each bad dating experience we have 1. makes for an interesting story 2. shapes us as people. It's legit, a part of life. You're not a freak if you get dumped and YOU ARE NOT CRAZY (see #3). 

You are beautiful.
You are special.
You are not perfect.
You deserve good things.
You deserve a good relationship.
You shouldn't obsess over finding love.
You should know that you are worth the best.

After getting dumped in a foreign country by a guy in 10 days, I actually love myself and have confidence in myself even more. I look back and think, 'Dang girl. That sucks. But dust that dirt off ya shoulders. Ladies is pimps too!" So what if I talk like Jay-Z in my own brain? Also, I don't think I am a pimp, but I just like saying ladies is pimps too....okay, I digress.

What I'm trying to say is everybody gets dumped. But also, a lot of people fall in love too. And it's a good feeling to know that someone can hurt you and you can get through it and come out on the other side even better. So let's just enjoy the ride and remember: 

Every girl deserves a Colin Firth a la Love, Actually. Homeboy went to HER homeland. Mhm.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

how to be best friends with your cat and not be a cat lady

Guys, I'M IN LOVE, okay?! And it's not with that tall, lanky boy that comes into my work and has swoopy hair and is all like, Swarthmorian and probably only wears TOMS and journals in a moleskin...

Noooo. It's wiff mah cat. And like, it goes beyond just normal pet adoration. Gizmo is my friend and I DON'T CARE. He's creepy human like too. Whenever one of us is sad, Gizmo immediately senses it and comes and stays with us. He doesn't like to be alone and he straight up eats popcorn. He also reaches for you! Not kidding. HOW CUTE.  I'm not even 22, I can't be a cat lady yet, right? And I only have ONE cat. In order to be a cat lady I feel like you first of all, need to have a porch and second of all, need to have more than one cat. 

I am so proud of my love for my cat. All you dog lovers out there get to be like, super proud all the time and no one ever makes fun of YOU. I don't think it's weird that you let your dog lick your mouth (ewww) or that you have a tattoo of your dog's face on your lower back...nope not weird at all, that's actually super cool. (lies)

Well, listen up you! CATS RULE TOO! 

So here's how it is--how to be best friends with your cat without being a cat lady.

1. It's perfectly okay to talk to your cat, especially when they meow back, but try to keep it down in front of people. 
2. Cuddling is always allowed. 
3. Never dress your cat. Your cat (and you) will probably most definitely look like a fool.
4. Glare at people when they say "You have a cat, don't you?" Keep glaring. Eventually they get scared and go away.
5. Only make you & your cat your facebook profile picture every few months. It can't be like, all the time. But every once in awhile it garners the "awww" factor.
6. Love your cat.
7. Always.

I'm gonna miss Gizzy when I move away in August, but for now I have plenty of time to adore him and plan out when we will skype while I'm in LA. Okay, maybe I'm being a little overdramatic, but hey, guys, I am proud of my love for my kitty.

me and gizzy hanging out before bed.