these past few years God has had me in a place of struggle. uncertainty. loss, pain. there's been amazing moments and deliriously happy i wanna-laugh-forever kind of moments, but all in all it's been definitely a trying season in my life. i won't go into detail but a series of painful events made these last couple of years just...hard. there's no other way to say it. i'd say since march of last year it's been a rough little journey. and i'm not complaining, mostly just reflecting.
how does that little thought tie into mark zuckerberg? it's like this: i think facebook makes it really easy to envy someone else's life. you see pictures of other people smiling, laughing, surrounded by friends and you think 'why can't my life be like that?' i know i say 'since graduating college' a lot on this blog, but heck i'ma say it again: since graduating college, i've noticed that i have been struggling with jealousy a lot. i talk to certain friends or look at their facebooks and it just seems like they have it all together. they have a wonderful boyfriend, the perfect family, the best friends ever....and it makes it so easy for me to take my own life for granted. how sick is that? i have so much to be thankful for, the Lord has blessed me so much and yet when i look through the fluorescent-screen version lives of my friends, i become sad or jealous or unsatisfied with my own life.
i blogged not too long ago about everyone having their own story. God is teaching me so much about this. i know it sounds corny but it is true: everyone has their own story. no one is beyond God's love. i love this idea, that we all have our own lives and our own stories.
i like to be truthful on my blog so i'm going to share something i was thinking about a little while ago. i was thinking about how God uses the bad stuff in our lives for good. this is a hard concept for me to understand. why does he let bad stuff happen to me at all? but it's not about that. when jesus comes back or when he calls me home, then all the bad stuff will fade away....but i'm living this life right now. and in life there is sadness, pain, anger--people hurt me and i hurt people. i was thinking about one particular aspect of my life....
i have never been in the popular crowd, never the 'pretty girl' or the 'cool' girl. sure, there was a time in middle school when i just wanted to be accepted, craved attention from boys and tried desperately to be exactly like every girl around me. i had never been further from myself. eventually, in high school, i found my niche and grew comfortable being who i was, but every now and then it comes back to me. that old feeling of "i am just not that girl"... it's weird it's been coming back around now that i'm almost 22. sometimes it sneaks up on me--that feeling of 'i just wish i was someone else' or... 'why didn't God make me as beautiful as her?' --silly, ridiculous thoughts that are not from God at all.
anyway i was thinking about all this and i realized it's all a part of my special story. maybe i was teased grade school because one day i'll have a daughter who will be teased and she'll need me to understand in that way. or maybe i love books so much i feel it in my heart because one day i'll meet a little girl or boy who shares that feeling and i'll understand. i don't know. i just know God made us all so unique, so special that i never want to lose sight of that! i never want to be ashamed of who i am or what i love--no one should ever be afraid of...themselves.
i have to believe God will use the sadness in my life for something greater than i can imagine. my boy henri nouwen explains it pretty amazing here:
"When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence."
that's rad. and beautiful and TRUE. and i'm not sure what this entire blog meant, but it started out inside of me and just needed an outlet. that's the best part about blogs, they don't really have to make much sense at all. anyway....if you're reading this i hope you know so much how much God loves you and how precious you are.
|s.p.e.w. = s-shmee-shmee-shmubbleshmyew.|
make me a sandwich, elf.
love & strawberries,