Thursday, May 12, 2011

a draught -- where is the water?

i think i've officially hit my first blogging draught. i've been so slacking lately & i have to say, it's not because of a lack of things to say. anyone who knows me knows how verbose i am and how the problem isn't getting me to talk, but getting me to stop talking. i choose to think of my talkative nature as "endearing" rather than "annoying" ...mwhahaha. i have avoided asking my friends their opinions.

new york, i love you.
it's been such a crazy time in my life right now. i walk in two graduation ceremonies next week and i have to say, while i'm excited i'm also just anxious. since graduating NYU in december, so much has changed in my life. the other day i got to visit the city again with my little sister so i could pick up my cap & gown, and  it hit me full force how much i've missed New York City. mostly i've missed the diversity, the eclectic nature of walking down the street and it being sensory overload. i miss the west village. i miss running along the west highway, the hudson, along battery park. i miss washington square park. i miss friends i no longer talk to--i miss street vendors, and taking the subway in the morning, and getting my coffee from the cart on 13th by broadway.

i miss so many things about nyc and yet i don't miss anything at all. i would never go back and re-do my college experience. i loved most of it, hated some other things, but overall i look back fondly and think, 'wow. i can't believe i really did it. i went to nyu. i studied acting. i didn't lose sight of myself.' wow.

it's so easy to grow dissatisfied with your life. social media is only making this fact easier. facebook only shows a distorted view of someone's life. have you ever noticed that everyone's life just seems better than yours on facebook? twitter? it's crazy. the more time i spend on facebook or online in general, the more depressed i get. i suddenly want a different color hair, i think of all the ways i can start dressing like her or i think 'i need to have better experiences' or wow, i really wish i could go back to that moment in my life.

these thoughts can be so unhealthy to our minds. i don't like it. lately i've been feeling far from God. i'm not going to lie on the blog and just feed into that whole 'my life is GREAT!!!!!' that seems to be prevalent on blogs/facebook. the truth is for the past 2 weeks i have really struggled with feeling at peace with my life and with overall having joy. i'm not talking happiness, i mean true joy in my heart. but something i have learned and tried to repeat to myself is the idea that God has a unique story for each and every one of us.


no seriously.

think about it.


okay, now think about it in terms of dr. seuss:

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!!!!

dr. seuss you genius. it's so true! we must rejoice in this fact. literally, God has a story, a SPECIALUNIQUEAMAZINGDIFFERENT story for each and every one of us. i have to remember this fact.

i've been thinking about this a lot as i move forward with my life. so often i feel conflicted in my heart. i think, "should i have gone to a small college? should i go on young life staff? should i only focus on being a writer, should i move down south, should should SHOULD?!" it can be SO overwhelming. but then i think,

just....breathe. be calm.

it's easy to want someone else's life when it looks so shiny and nice through a computer screen. but i have to remember: getting married young, living in a cute little home, going on staff....that was never MY dream. it's a beautiful dream, it's a beautiful's just not my dream. and that's OKAY. i need to know that. understand that.

i didn't have a typical college experience. i didn't live in a house full of Christ-loving girls. i didn't go to themed parties, i didn't have a campus where every building was around each other....i just didn't. and that's okay. that's not the only way to do college.
My sister & I en route to NYC. So thankful she's home.

everyone has their own life, their own story. i am so thankful, amazed, blessed that God is the author of my story. i wouldn't WANT to be the author of my own story. that is scary. but i thank the Lord (literally) that i don't have to worry about it. it moves me everytime i think about it--about life in the sense of living for the Lord. God doesn't promise us a perfect life--He promises to walk with us every day of our life. and that....that just amazes me. mystifies me. wow.

thanks God for being the author of my story. i can't wait to see what chapters you have in store for me!!

nyc modeling. silly.

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