Sunday, February 27, 2011

taking big big chances (many a fork in the road)

today i am not going to use punctuation because my fingertips are really cold, which is weird since it is so pretty outside and the sky is so blue but sometimes you just don't feel like using punctuation, ya know?!

i am currently listening to jj heller's, "your hands" . it is amazing. i think it's worth a listen. my sister rebecca first posted a lyric from it on her blog so i was intrigued, youtubed it, and fell in love. jj heller's voice is so sweet and her lyrics are straight from Jesus and i just love it so much. it's the perfect kind of song for lying down in a sunny room, just being alone and feeling...peace. mmm.

do you ever feel like you could see your life literally go in two completely separate directions and you honestly think you would be happy with both, so you get really confused, kinda sad and just want to throw up your hands and say "gahh! i wanna be little again dang it." i don't know if you ever feel like that but lately i really really have. yesterday, on a whim (well more than a whim because i had been debating do it for about 2 months) i sent in my headshots/resume to a casting director. i know, i know. silly. ridiculous. kind of embarrassing. but i just...had to. you know? i literally looked at the envelope, lifted it up to God and just...sent it in the mail. do i expect something to happen? ...no. do i wish more than anything i would get a phone call next week from an office in LA? heck yes. i am a dreamer. i figured, what the heck, why not? i think taking big ridiculous chances is good for the mind, you know? it made me feel like a five year old telling my mom i wanted to be an astronaut, and you know what, it feel really good. i pulled away from the mailbox knowing that my envelope could end up lost, in the trash, laughed at, whatever. but we always have to try, right?

i have no idea where i want my life to go. that is really scary. and everytime i go to church i just get so much more confused, but in a good way. i don't know if that makes sense. it's exciting though at the same time. it's like, literally, Jesus could tell me to go anywhere and right now i could. and i have to say i love that idea. which brings me to another point. usually when someone finds out i follow Jesus and they don't agree, they bring up how messed up christianity is or how christians are usually pretty judgemental and hypocritical. i always tell them that God said follow Jesus, not Christians. i love that idea. it always makes me think to myself, okay, do i really, really follow Jesus? am i ready for what that truly means? yes i want to so badly, i want to just free myself from the world and be ready to go anywhere. a lot of times i live my life in fear, or to the world's standards. i am selfish. i am impatient. i can be mean and sarcastic. and yet God still loves me. and Jesus still wants a relationship with me. i hurt God and sometimes i depend on myself instead of Him. and yet He still wants to reach out to me. why wouldn't i want to follow him?

i feel like my blogs are getting repetitive and this one is just a fragment of a bunch of different thoughts. i'm really starting to doubt blogging and if i should continue. but for right now i have these words inside of me and i just want to let them out, i think. anyway. yeah.

Love & fragmented thoughts that come from my heart but are so jumbled up,
Nina.

2 comments:

  1. Nina!

    I found your blog on 20sb and I just have to say that your post today really spoke to me. I feel like I am in the same boat about life! At church yesterday, I was singing at worship and suddenly felt like I am just waiting to hear God's voice in my life...and sometimes I completely understand what it is like to see your life take two completely different paths...and be okay with it. In fact...I'm ready for it! I also know how you feel about the idea of being a Christian...and what that means in our personal lives. It isn't easy...in fact, it's downright hard sometimes! But if it means anything coming from a complete stranger, I applaud you on your perserverance and I say...go for your dreams (even if they do seem impossible and far away). Life is so short...and that is more of a reason to put yourself and all of your dreams on the line. God is always true...and his timing is always right...even if it isn't exactly our ideal timing.

    I started following your blog because I think female encouragement is definitely and always necessary :)

    My blog on the other hand...is very girly & from a different angle...but if you ever need some fun feminine inspiration...feel free to check it out!

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  2. thank you for that beautiful comment!!!!! I started following your blog and I am very excited to read it!!! :) and I am sooo on your same page with female encouragement, especially in our relationship with the Lord. awesome!!!! Blessings!!!

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