"You grow up when you have your first real laugh--at yourself."
I think when you laugh at yourself it helps you love yourself. Okay, I have these collection of old journals I found a few years ago. Most girls (and maybe guys) can probably relate--when I was anywhere from like, 7 up until around 14 I would half-heartedly keep journals. Now it's a different story because I actually finished my first journal this summer and am 3/4ths through my new one, so I guess heck yeah I'm a serious journaler. But back in the day..oh my goodness--just re-reading through my old journals is hilarious to my family and I. The things I used to say and think. I was a nutball.
I was sick with a fever over the weekend and couldn't really process too much, so as I was lying in bed I decided to drag out those old journals just for kicks. I always love reading them because 1. It's hilarious. 2. I genuinely learn more about the person that I am right now. It's like looking back on a young friend, someone I once knew, and my heart literally feels for that person. Seriously--if you have old journals I encourage you to dig them up, sit back with some coffee and try and smile fondly at yourself.
Girl 1: "Girl 1" is so mean. She calls me stupid + brat + tells me to shut up but I don't and I say you or make me. I hate her guts.
Girl 2: "Girl 2" is just like "Girl 1" but she's more mean! She even said, "I want to beat you up" to me. I hate her too.
Girl 3: "Girl 3" is just like "Girl 2" so I don't have to say anything because I would just be repeating everything.
Boy 1: He's a brat. I hate him. So much that--rrrrrr! I can't say it! <3 <3
Oh my GOODNESS! So much anger for a little girl, ahahah. And I literally drew hearts after writing how angry I was at the boy. Talk about a whackjob. Now I know it seems like I hate a lot of people, but who didn't get in fights with kids when they were young? It's funny because I never stood up for myself when I was little....but instead I would come home and just write out my feelings. While looking back it's easy to laugh at how I was, I'm kind of amazed at how I clung to words, even back then. I really think writing is an amazing tool for youngin's. It can be a really healthy way to take out frustration, or sadness, or that horrible and embarrassing teen angst you'll get to see a few journal entries later.
Just so people don't think I was an angry little girl, I also love reading this next part, because it was when I discovered the use of hyphens and when I thought I spoke like I was from 1776:
"Your excited I hope. I mean, your going to Georgia, I decided not to--but--guess who did--want to go--REBECCA!" I said.
"Yes I am but wihtout--" Vanessa started. "I'm afraid of--the flight!"
"I indeed," I said.
And that's the end of the passage...ahah, okay it makes like no sense and I don't know why I wrote in dialogue form but hey, I was like eight or something. And who says "I Indeed" -- really? I have never said that....oh gosh. Goofy.
And here's my favorite exerpt:
"I'm watching 'Brambly Hedge.' Rebecca just came in. I'm eating hersheys. 'Let me play,' I heard Christina say. My third chocolate. This morning Rebecca woke me up with a tickle on my foot."
Oh my gosh, my sister will probably yell at me for putting this up but I love it! This is how I remember my childhood.
1. Brambly Hedge--such a cozy little movie!! It's about field mice and they live in the coziest country homes and have winter festivals and eat pies. I know, it's ridiculous but it made me so happy.
2. The commentary on Hershey Kisses. When I was little I was chubby and had no idea. I love that. I had big, poofy curly hair and loved to eat and I was just...deliriously happy. I miss that so much. Sometimes I wish I could still have that instead of freaking out the minute I eat a french fry or oreo and being all paranoid about working out. Not that I'm crazy about it now, but back then I was blissfully happy. I was chubby and frizzy and so happy with myself that I didn't care. I never thought I was ugly--the thought never crossed my mind because at that stage I just...loved myself. I love that. I think even though I didn't know Jesus then, God was protecting me in a way. I found books and writing to be the best escape for me and I think that was God protecting me. When girls were mean to me, or through my parent's divorce, I could just cling to words and stories and it was like God knew eventually I would meet Jesus, but for right then he provided me with a little blessing to help along my journey. Just...amazing.
3. My sister tickling my foot. AHAH so embarrassing! I love it though because when I think of my life, I think of my sisters. We're beyond close. Yes we have our issues and fights and whatever, but I can honestly say our bond is unique. Rare. Special. From God. I pray and pray I never take it for granted because I really feel like it's one of a kind. Maybe if you have sisters you know what I'm talking about. I hope you do--it's awesome.
Anyways that's enough for today ahaha. Goodness. I don't even know if anyone will read this but I loved typing it out, it was fun! And it's good to have it on record in a sense, because years later I can come back to this blog and read about where I was right now. I like that. I like remembering stuff. It's like whenever I enter an air conditioned room. The smell of it reminds me of wet bathing suits and being eleven and summer and pool noodles and being with my cousins and little sisters in the sunshine until our parents picked us up. Amazing.
Love & nostalgia,