i want the smell of an air conditioned room and how it reminds me of being eleven and still wet bathing suits in the summer and joe's waterice staining my fingers cherry red
i want shoelace bracelets and frizzy hair, the friend of a book and it's nurturing ink-words that can't hurt, can't condescend but lift up up away when i shut my bedroom door at 5:30pm and drink a warm beverage and calories, they aren't even in my vocabulary.
i want little girls to have the same brain as they grow up so when they are eighteen and contemplating clothes that expose and drinks that leave their head and heart muddled they can say 'no no no thanks' and instead turn to a blue sky and feel satisfaction in that-
i want boys to grow into men who are actual men who love and it's okay and they know they are man enough for anything but still protect in the way that is beautiful, and when their eyes wander and mind lingers they feel in their heart they know in their heart what is right
i want jealousy to be, like, this thing i can drop-kick to the ground, slam my fist against it and watch it cower into the little animal i know it is.
i want my heart to never get bitter.
i want my natural hair color to be enough on days when i want to curl my toes and let the wind hit my face in a way that is refreshing.
i want to like my life in a way that lets me look at people's facebook pictures and not wonder, 'is it too late to switch lives with someone?'
i want to believe more than just half of what i say.
i want to know the future so at night when i can literally feel my heart working, pounding, when i can imagine my bloodstream flowing to my ankles, to the tips of my fingers i don't start breathing too fast and i can relax because at night anxiety hits and i think oh gosh oh gosh i could go at any moment, couldn't i?
i want someone to look at me and think 'this is what you have been searching for all along'
i want a man to fall in love with how much i am in love with Jesus.
i want to go back to when i was five and re-live my whole life with my brain right now, as a 21 year old, and i want to not care about that time i got pushed on the playground and cried because i felt like an idiot, and i want to go back to being 14 and tell that boy 'you actually are really great and i was just an idiot and scared of you' and i want to relive being 10 over and over again because that kind of happiness can't be bottled up and i want to remember standing on a Peruvian mountaintop and i want to maybe not go to New York City or maybe go back to that audition room when I was 17 and tell myself 'you are good enough you are good enough you are good enough'
I want to know I am good enough. Gosh, I think I want a lot of things.