Tuesday, February 15, 2011

b-b-break down

Tonight I went with my little sister and saw Tangled for the second time. I don’t care if I’m 21 and a college graduate—tonight I definitely reverted back to a six year old little girl. Sometimes a great story, a little love and magical music can absolutely brighten a day. 
Since leaving NYU & NYC my emotions have been on a literal roller-coaster. For one, it’s super weird with Rebecca (my other sister) in South Africa. I can’t text her like I normally would or see her or really anything but sometimes skype and that is sooo hard. I’m very grateful she’s blogging & her walk with the Lord is something that I am so honored to watch. She is like my older sister in so many ways and I can’t believe God blessed me with not only her but another amazing sister AND my mom. Just…wow.
But anyways. It’s been really weird these past few weeks and I feel like my heart is in such a strange and foreign place. Yesterday I went to the gym and ran out my frustration? I don’t know but whenever I feel in a weird funk running is DEFINITELY a good way to let out whatever it is I’m going through, so after running for awhile on the treadmill I came home and just completely felt…broken. Which is strange, because physically I felt amazing since I had just ran for probably a little too long, but then again I really felt God just completely saying to me “Nina, your flesh is WEAK. Your body will not last forever. Turn tome. Don’t turn to a treadmill or a book or friend, turn to me.”
Did you ever know the answer to a question but didn’t want to even face the question in the first place? That’s kind of what I’ve been going through. I didn’t want to turn certain things over to the Lord because that means I’d have to acknowledge them. Sometimes yeah, in the moment, it’s way easier to just ignore aches and pains and shove them away somewhere — but God is bigger. God is GOOD and God doesn’t want us to hide away our pain from him. He wants it. All of it. I am still learning this and I’ve been walking with Jesus for awhile now. 
I’m realizing this blog is getting a little personal and that’s kind of weird for me. But I think about the blogs I like to read the most and what I admire about them is the honesty the writer possesses— it’s refreshing. 
Anyway—I started writing this about Tangled and I started rambling, but hey! Rambling about God is always good. 
What I wanted to say with this blog was that I will always be a little girl inside. Recently I had a situation where someone made me feel less than I am but something I’m learning is to embrace the woman God has created me to be. I think everyone should embrace the person God created them to be because it’s easier to let yourself be loved if you love yourself first. I know that I’m a little girl deep down and that’s okay. I know that I’m the type of girl that cries at Disney movies because they are BEAUTIFUL. I know I’m a hopeless romantic and I don’t even feel ashamed of that.
And I know I have big dreams and I know God put them inside of me. I think that’s why I love writing and reading and watching films so much—I have so many dreams I can’t keep them inside. I don’t know what I’m saying. It’s 11pm on a Sunday night and I’m listening to the Tangled soundtrack and sitting next to my sister and my heart just feels so full. 
I miss Rebecca, too. Lord thank you thank you thank you for blessing me with women around me who are just…beautiful and amazing and strong. Thank you for giving everyone dreams and hopes and Lord, I pray against pessimism in this world. 
Goodness this post was quite sappy! But hey, a little sap here and there never hurt anyone. 

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